Today marks five years sobriety for me off of GHB.
I drew this dragon five months ago. I added the watercolour five days ago and the image just screamed chasing the dragon once the colours began popping it to life. It still needs more work mind you… Subconsciously, I still chase that illusive dragon when working, creating or even when alone thinking or researching. When what I’m working on, creating, thinking or researching climaxes, I certainly do, feel high and struggle to get to the end. I almost can’t contain myself at times and must run outside to smoke a cigarette and sadly, nicotine is the worst drug of all, as it doesn’t even make you high.
I silently research drugs, their uses and legalities. I consider it a hobby and when I feel the need to use a substance that most certainly will cause me angst, I read back in my journals about the gruesome detox and agony I suffered through for months when sobering up from GHB.
It’s not a pleasant experience to break out in painful large blisters and pimples all over your back, arms and legs and to lose feeling in your extremities and watch your fingers and toes go blue from slowed blood circulation as you reduce your dose of GHB slowly and by half each day for one week at home. It’s not human to recoil into an infantile state regressing to points in one life while awake or asleep when bad things happened only to have to vividly relive them again and again until you aged and moved onwards to the next abuse or trauma.
And I certainly don’t miss the need to dose every half hour at times and the need to overdose just to sleep for two hours at a time or the constant fear of knowing that I would die from sudden withdrawal without GHB running through my system if my drug dealer ran out of it or I forgot my bottle at home after leaving the house for that day. I would return home for the bottle. Always. You hit a certain point with GHB addiction where there is no turning back to just recreational use. Missing a dose can send you into convulsions. Missing a dose can stop your heart from beating. Missing a dose can take your breath away forever. While taking too much can make you fall asleep and go into a coma.
I do miss the first five months of the addiction; the time when everything was wonderful, my brain worked properly and life seemed easier even if it was only a charade.
And most of all, I DO NOT REGRET taking GHB or becoming addicted to it as there were times when it, was perfect.
Over the years people have said to me why not take a Xanax or a Valium to calm down. Are you kidding me? Really, offering a sedative to someone who was addicted to them for two full years (albeit the illegal kind) is like offering a recovered heroin addict a T1 or an alcoholic a just a small shot of whiskey.
So, chasing the dragon is akin to being amongst the living.
Chasing the dragon is a work in progress. Thus far the mediums used are Faber Castell Pitt Artist Pens and Winsor and Newton watercolour on Arches watercolour paper. It measures 8×10 inches (20,3cm by 25,4cm). And I do not ever smoke inside. My household is a strict non-smoking and scent free home.
This is the second in a series of five paintings for RunDeeZone. The first Footprint is posted here.
The Medium – Kroma Artist Acrylic on Arches cold press watercolour paper
The Size – 8×10 inches
The Fabulous Client – RunDeeZone
Missy’s gotten herself into the habit of traveling into the garden to lick water droplets off the rainbow chard leaves after a rainfall or watering. I’ve been harvesting the chard for about six weeks now. It will continue growing well into the fall of the year.
Along the side of the foundation in the backyard I planted herbs. This is the dill with a few yellow pansies in the background. It’s about 16 inches in height now and is close to flowering. I think I’ll pick off the flowers and dry them as the whole plant is edible. By picking off the flower blooms you’ll force the plant to continue growing both taller and fuller. the flowers on the dill plant are where the seeds are created. I’ll likely keep one or two clusters of flowers and allow them to turn to seed and harvest those seeds in the fall. [continue reading…]
I have not been able to write lately. In actuality, the thoughts in my head are so hurried and are far outpacing my ability to even jot them down in a coherent manner for you to read most days. So, that leaves me with drawing, gardening and working on my top secret e-commerce site.
I’m having trouble following directions, understanding them and thus implementing them.
I’ve got about 25 (maybe 2,500) major projects on the go all at once and until they are done my finances slowly slip and slide and miraculously carry me through. I’m not in debt and refuse to go into debt or even to use credit cards. My bills are all paid. I don’t know how I do it sometimes, but I do.
Family and friends and people I don’t know are coming at me from all directions and truth be told I’m close to screaming. Add to that mix, a third break up since January and I’m really through with dating all together. I just can’t bring myself to continue dating someone when we are not physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually compatible and most importantly in love. And I’m fully aware that not everything will be perfect, but I do believe in love at first site and I do believe in getting my major needs met when in a relationship. And I know that if I’m not happy I’ll go looking elsewhere. And that, is hard to admit. [continue reading…]
Over the last few years I’ve realized one thing and that is that Canadian shipping costs are amongst some of the highest in the world. Canada Post is a crown corporation and not subsidized by our government.
There is nothing that I can do about our shipping charges except that of learning everything there is to know about them.
And as such, after a good talk last week with the clerk at the Post Office I realized that I’m able to charge a little less than what I have been charging. It wasn’t that I was charging too much… by any measure my shipping charges were reasonable by Canadian standards. But seeing as the majority of art that I sell travels south of the border into a country with some of the cheapest shipping rates in the world, I really needed to rethink and figure out a better shipping system that is more inline with what Americans are charging.
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I feel as grey and calm today as the weather dripping from the sky outside.
My Great Aunt Theresa passed away yesterday. Theresa was like a grandmother to me. And She was like a Mom to my Dad and his four siblings after my Dad’s Mom passed away when he was five. His father never remarried and Theresa became the surogate Mom to his five children along with raising her own four children. She was a generous and beautiful woman.
When someone dies you can never tell how you will react or when the tears will flow or even if they’ll come at all. They came in waves for me after the phone call from my dad early yesterday afternoon. I sat on deck and simply cried.
Tonight will be difficult and filled with emotion but it will be happy at the same time to see my family, some of whom are traveling from very far away to attend the funeral. The last time we gathered on my Dad’s side of the family was for my cousin Marc’s wedding which was only one month ago.
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