Monthly Archives: March 2006

Thinking

Tomorrow I will begin attending a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy class or CBT for short. It will be on thinking.

I’ve thought many things I’ve wanted to say
Said many things I did not mean
I remember things most menial
but forget the rest

To be looking at someone and seeing their mouth move hearing the words coming out but not being able to ‘listen’ to them and hence respond or keep listening I have mastered the “art of nodding” as Gabor Maté mentions in his book Scattered Minds.

Simply put CBT is the idea that thoughts control your emotions. Therefore if you have negative thought patterns running wild in your head you are more than likely not going to feel well in some way or another. Wikipedia has an excellent overview of CBT.

CBT – here I come!

Black & White

Grey is sometimes difficult to think of within oneself. Grey is the so-called Happy Medium when all is ok. Grey is a shade mixed using black and white theoretically. Black is the absence of colour where white contains the full spectrum of all colour. Once in grade three my dad helped me build a motorized colour wheel. I painted on paper the primary colours of red, blue and yellow and also the secondary colours or purple, green and orange in their respective places. I attached this piece of paper to the metal disk with glue. I painted the box, the disk was atached too, black. I flicked the switch and voilá it began to spin faster and faster, the triangular colours disapearing until only white appeared. I, was fascinated.

Colour is underated sometimes. I sometimes actually fear to wear colour, as to not stand out in a crowd. Walking down the street if you look here in Vancouver people of all ages and colours wear most the colour black. Why is that? Could it be they are afraid also of wearing colour? If the theory holds true and black is the absence of colour, perhaps deep deep down they know!

Ironically, 6 years ago when I was co-owner of By the Light of the Moon Productions (see resumé), Melanie and myself discovered that not all black fabric is created equally. All the black we bleached to create patterns on was intitially dyed with a colour based black fabric dye. Be it green, pink, blue or yellow we didn’t find a black fabric that upon bleaching did not leave patterned shades of grey behind. This process of dying cloth is actually a reverse process of removing dye from already coloured fabric using bleach called shibori. It is a kind of reverse Tye Dye. The process of Tie Dying involves rolling, bunching or shaping your fabric with elastics or string and then dropping it into a vat of dye. Shibori uses this same process except it is a vat of bleach.

Wow – where did this come from? Click here for colour fun! I have not thought of nor painted or dyed fabric in quite some time. And to have it come to mind tonight has rather fascinated me to use that word again. I had begun this post with the intention of writing about feeling of opposite but equal power such as love to hate or crazy to dull.

Back to fabric. I have some silk dye and resist tucked away in the closet. Maybe it’s time to dig it out. Hmmm, I could also use it for batik. That would require the purchase of some paraffin and beeswax. You heat equal amounts of each wax into plug in pot or old fryer to keep it at an even temperature. Using Chinese bamboo brushes dip into the hot wax and paint on your fabric. This wax will dry rather quickly. You should be using 100% natural cotten, linen or hemp fabric for the dye to set. Anyhow the lines you draw with the wax will create a barrier that the dye cannot be absorbed into.

NOTE to SELF
I will come back to this. I’d like to write up some quick and easy tutorials to have and to share with you. I’ll upload some pics also. It’s almost 2AM in the morning.

It never ceases to amaze me that I’m most creative in the peace of night. Maybe it’s the shades of coloured greys that calm my mind.

After Midnight

12 minutes after 12. Missy snores in her basket squeaking, her fuzzy little kitty paw hanging out. She is adorable.

Surprise

Dee last night messaged me – writing he had a surprise for me.

Tonight the surprise called and later walked through my apartment door. Lala’s in town and gone the saddened frown of not understanding the distance separating us spiritually. Sorries were said and hurts explained. I listened. My eyes glistened. I did not know then what I understand now.

I love you Dee and Lala!

This one’s for you! Created with 600 or so stills… and music composition by me also.

dream.mov

ps – it’s 5.5mb – be patient

Working

So, in the beginning there was a bang and it blasted all into existance. This bang made it’s way through time and landed in the Waves Café on Main St. Bang boom went I and thus this bang boomeranged and hasn’t quite landed again.

I landed a gig today. I met the programmer guy and he has work for me to start today. I’m off to Accupunture and then to see Doctor B, both at Location one.

This new reality has not set in for me who until just before noon today only had 2 weeks worth of E.I. left and no job.

The End of Mania

When you believe something so strongly no matter what it may be; it is bound by mind to exist. Recently my dreams have become so deviant, encompassing so many areas of past, present and future times that they come into my conscious reality of day to day life. Have you ever woken up screaming? Last week this happen three times. My eyes opened wide, my mouth opened sending a shrilling shriek into the air as I sat up. I had known I was dreaming and knew I begun screaming in the dreams. What was uncommon about them was, they were not per-say nightmares. I learned today that they are called night terrors from the nurse at Daytox.

I’m not sure how many of you think about death. Not so much suicide but death itself. What happens? Why? How will you be remembered if at all? Could anything have been done to prevent your death? Death crosses my mind every day. There has not been a day in recent memory where it has not entered, existed for a brief moment or more and then exited my mind. This has been common to me for over 20 years.

Everyone says you are the adult – you make the decision. But what would you do if somewhere along the way you lost the ability to choose? The simple choice to take a shower for instance can take me up to a week to make.

I’m going to present to you, two lists. One list is of words and phrases people have said, written or used to describe me and some that happened to me. In the list that follows I’ll present another group of words that people have said, written or used to describe me and some that happened to me.

FIRST list

creative, full of energy, beautiful, soft, I love you, sincere, sensitive, you are an angel, daughter, lover, sexy, seductive, good, open-minded, multitasker, smart, pretty, nice, smile, blue eyes, indigo child, empathetic, sympathetic, artist, alive, hoola hooper, gardener, love of animals, delicate, dancer, full of energy, never stops, always listens, day dreamer, crazy, ambitious, original, can laugh at problems, find solutions, dream, hyperactive, surreal, snoookles, older sister, leader, commented on, adored, loved, drugs, a lot, loves life, expansion of the mind, inebriation, intoxication, addiction, searching, answers, guiding, teaching, learning, crying, soft, tears, happy, over achiever, seductive, ideas, hope, music, E, GHB, pepsi, gentle, fuck me, stamina, pornography, confident, floating above cities, hovering among willows, why, three, writer, emotion creator, film maker, art director, graphic designer, picture framer, mat cutter, colour, typography, poet, excellent memory, attention to detail, walking, woods, ocean, beach, forever, wife, girlfiend

SECOND list

mistake, hate, ambivalent, relentless, effort, mangled thought patterns, Generalized anxiety disorder, ADD, ADHD, obsessive, compulsive, hair puller, skin picker, you’re the devil, trichotilomania, tendency, day dreams, lost, kicked, hit, beat up, rape, loner, nerd, are you a boy, anorexic, boy you’ve put on weight, fuck you, throttle, 24 hour, partier, workaholic, smoker, pot, cigarettes, MDMA, GHB, dumb, failure, thoughts are dumb and crazy, incoherent, belligerent, angry, sad, depression, loss, death, cut, scratch, pick, eat, don’t eat, drunk, she’s blacked out, arrogant, overdose, confused, reject, low, rumors, girls hate, pornography, catholic, bad, quiet child, abruptive, shut up, be quiet, evaporate, go away, leave me alone, throw up, pass out, die, kicking, men, force, woman farce, suffering in silence, too long, how old are you, why, sex, three, stop, bad, memory, hyper, pepsi, pain, gut hurts, chrohn’s, addict, overstimulated, hate advertising, never, divorce, unsure, can’t decide

Tomorrow I go see the doctor at Daytox. I spoke up today in the grey of Vancouver day to address all these words of mine to the nurse and councilor. There are two many eggs in my damn basket right now. I’m so grateful to everyone who has helped me over the past 6 months. The professional list is long. And in their lies the mania.

Over the past 6 months I have seen:

Addictions Doctor
Councilor A
Councilor B
Family Doctor
Psychiatrist
Nurse A
Nurse B
Councilors C, D and E

I travel to three different locations to see these people, attend their groups and get therapy. Only three times have any of them communicated with one another about what is going on with me. I’m not getting a clear answer. So now tomorrow I am going to Doctor C who is at location one. Then I go to See councilor A at location two in a few days. I then go see councilor C the day after that who at the recommendation of Councilor D and Nurse B will get all parties involved to plan out a new treatment plan. A couple of days after that I go see the Family Doctor at location three whom hopefully will have heard from Councilor C from location one. Councilor B is gone for while right now and that’s why I have councilor C. And there is supposed to be a new location added to the list. Location number four where I will meet ‘specialist’ psychiatrist. OMG!

FUCK. LOL. and good night! Something Councilor D said to me is “You do always have a way to laugh about your problems” You know in the end that is true. It makes me happy. But when I’m not laughing I’m dieing.

Any comments would be welcome!!! Is anyone out there in a similar situation?

Technorati WHAT ping post?

OK, this emotional adventure is becoming quite amusing to me. Rather than getting upset I will LAUGH :) Bahahahahahaha! At this new escapade I’m endevouring to understand or at least implement.

What is understanding though? To understand something one must first be stimulated through one or more of their five senses in order for it to be recognized by the brain. In college in 1992 at the NBCCD instructors told us that a person only remembers a logo once it has been seen seven times. The same could go for anything I suppose. Once you recognize the logo, smell or sound it becomes a memory. That memory thus has feelings associated with it. Hmmm. Advertisements play on those feelings. They shock you, love you or scare you into supporting, buying and using there service or product.

So in essence Technorati What ping post is my way of advertising to you. Get it? I don’t yet.

Have a look for yourself! I’m in there. Somewhere!

Raw emotion – distilled into water?

There lives fear everywhere. It’s installed in us when we each are born. This installation learns. In it’s truest and earliest form, fear was an instinct. An instinct such as hunger, and the need for warmth when it was cold; fear kept you safe. Fear is no longer fear. It is Phobic.

I need to think on this longer. I’ll post more later today.

Green Stop Sign

I thought on this longer and became more phobic. Fuck. Now at 20 minutes to midnight I can say I feel calmer. Where did the phobia begin today? Yesterday. And Yesterday’s fear was carried over from the day before’s fear. So now that this fear has been cubed and diced where does that leave me? Laughing. Phobic fear is just that – phobia. It is irrational in most peoples eyes. However, when experiencing phobia one can become quite disabled.

I could not function today. I woke up this morning screaming out loud from a lucid nightmare. It’s not often that I’ve screamed myself awake. Today I did. And yesterday for that matter I had another disturbing dream. These dreams are so vivid and lucid. I’ve not yet manged to completely control them. The dreams I’ve been having since cleaning up 203 days ago have been all consuming at times involving people, places and experiences from my present and past. Inter tangled enlightenment’s of the soul perhaps? There are messages my subconscious is attempting to make conscious to me. This could be called the link between the soul and the body. The drawing to the left I drew after one such dream. I had been hit in the head by an usher at a wedding with a green stop sign in the dream, as I began to walk down the isle as a bridesmaid without bouquet in hand.

When the two (soul & mind) work as one, a person is in the ‘NOW’. There is no past, nor future, just the moment, he or she is experiencing. Having experienced these moments of complete clarity with and without drugs, I must say they are both beautiful and unexplainable in words. I have attempted to draw and paint them. However as soon as I would think – POOF – the moment is gone and I’m in the past or the future again.

The past is to depression what the future is to anxiety. The best way to know something is to experience it. Once your brain experiences it, whatever it may be; the brain will remember that experience with the emotions you felt during that experience. The brain doesn’t know the difference between past and future. When you get up in the morning say, and drink your coffee you probably associate waking up and being more alert with the coffee. Your mind is craving that feeling not the coffee. It’s a hard one to wrap your head around eh?

Now to take it a step further… When someone becomes addicted to a feeling what happens?

Their brain pretty much short circuits and rewires itself in such a way, that it needs the feeling or it will go into withdrawal. The extent of withdrawal would be dependent upon how much the brain needed the feeling to feel normal. Most addicts would say that they don’t get high anymore, that they are in fact just maintaining a normal so they don’t go into withdrawal. The ‘high’ has become normal. And when the normal cannot be achieved the brain along with the physical body begins to go down, down, down to what the average person would call normal. Are you still with me? So picture your worst, sickest, saddest and angriest day ever and multiply it by lets say 10. That is what real “normal” feels like to an addict when they withdraw from a substance.

After withdrawal all that the brain knows is raw emotion. Happiness times 10. Sadness times 10. Anger times 10. Fear times 10. Disgust times 10. You feel every emotion times 10. Your senses are heightened beyond what you ever thought possible. Light hurts your eyes. Traffic noise hurts. Advertisements sicken you. Colour stands out. A hair tickles your back and you jump! Bad memories cloud your mind like they happened today. They feel like they are happening right now.

But beautiful little things begin to happen gradually. I remember looking down at my paintbrush about 10 days into detox and just watching the water drip off the tip off the paintbrush into the rinse can. The sound fascinated me. Somehow my brain had blocked out all the other noise and distraction and all I heard and saw was the drip. I cried. I was happy. This was a moment with no past nor future.

I would recommend to anyone in search of understanding rent the movie What the Bleep? and also check outDr. Masaru Emoto’s website! The research he has done with water in how it affects every one of us in relation to our emotions is brilliant. We are, remember 90% water.

The days I watched these three movies will be forever with me. My brain I hope will remember the feelings generated by their visual, auditory gift. Drinking a glass of water has never been the same after seeing Dr. Masaru Emoto’s video.

You know, fear is the exact same as excitement. I’m terrified on a roller coaster where another person is excited beyond belief.