Sober since August 26th, 2005.

This is me 11

Today is day 200. I’ve been clean of GHB for 200 days. I’m proud of that fact. I used once three weeks into my sobriety and re-committed again. I had two glasses of wine this past weekend on Saturday night and have re-committed again. I find myself hitting a tuff spot. It’s not that I want the G back but I find myself searching for something, anything to change or alter my state of mind. This feeling is familiar to me, 20 years familiar. Truth is, it feels like my life has been cycling in three or four year cycles. I’m in the down time right now. More than ever I know it’s crucial to keep going and focus. Focus being the elusive enlightenment I crave the most.

This is me 21

My ex-husband used to say, I would look for problems when there was none to be found, only happy in a tumultuous non-routine life. Today, f@#$! Am I searching for someone to blame… You betcha! Who in their right mind wants to blame themselves. I’ve been blaming myself most of my life! I don’t understand why it’s not ok to talk about addiction and/or mental disease. If sites like http://www.recovery.com talk about it all the time, why don’t we?

But who is saying it’s not OK? Is it you? Or is it me? Is it an ideal created by society? Such as what fashions are OK to wear and what ones are not?

I’m so tired of hiding the crazy side in me. It’s agonizing. I am so scared of what people will think? OMG! I have to let that go. I don’t even know who these people are. Are you one of the ones who will judge me because I’m crazy and like to wear orange pants on occasion? OK this is making me laugh. It’s been difficult to write by hand lately in my journal. I have this online journal now. I’ve been swaying back and forth, to and fro to write or not to write about what I want to write about online. Well – decision made.

This is me 3

This is the web space I payed for. Money. f@#$. See I’m censoring myself. For who?

Fuck I feel better. There.

On to business. There is this project I’ve been planning to undertake for the past two years perhaps, of typing into the computer all of my journal entries, so they are digitized. I will be able to edit them better that way. Who knows, maybe I’ll be the next James Fry. A Million Little Pieces, whether non-fiction or not, is only so, in the eyes of the beholder reading it. This book held my attention for five days until I finished reading it! He understands.

Another book I could not put down was “Addicted – notes from the belly of the beast”. It is a collection of short ‘true’ stories of writers lives and the addictions they have succumbed too, lived with, recovered from or are still dealing with.

The more one reads, reaches out, talks about the more one understand and accepts. Knowing I am not alone in my struggles and joy is inspirational.

Perhaps, drug use and the creative mind go hand in hand?

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5 thoughts on “Sober since August 26th, 2005.

  1. Ok, I’m a little behind times, but I’ve been reading your entries and it’s like you have looked down into ME and my experiences and thoughts, and that’s what you are writing about. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t need to compare yourself to James Frey (my favorite author of all time), you are doing just fine on your own with your own style!!!! I, for one, would be waiting in line to buy a book written by you! By the way, I am Taursy, 29 yr old female/addict/recovering addict/fellow crazy person. HA!

  2. Thank you Taursy for the kind words about my writing. A complement is always welcome. Someday I hope to pucblish some writing of mine through LuLu. They are a self publishing internet company where people can publish their own books to be bought one at a time by the buyer. They print on an as needed basis. I’ve signed up to publish with them. And hope to fulfil that commitment to myself soon.

    I’m glad to hear you could relate to the content of my posts. I don’t feel so alone. Good luck to you and hope you come around more often.

    Cheers to being crazy!
    Jessica

  3. Hi there, the whole thing is going perfectly here and ofcourse every one is sharing facts, that’s really excellent, keep up writing.

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