The End of Mania

When you believe something so strongly no matter what it may be; it is bound by mind to exist. Recently my dreams have become so deviant, encompassing so many areas of past, present and future times that they come into my conscious reality of day to day life. Have you ever woken up screaming? Last week this happen three times. My eyes opened wide, my mouth opened sending a shrilling shriek into the air as I sat up. I had known I was dreaming and knew I begun screaming in the dreams. What was uncommon about them was, they were not per-say nightmares. I learned today that they are called night terrors from the nurse at Daytox.

I’m not sure how many of you think about death. Not so much suicide but death itself. What happens? Why? How will you be remembered if at all? Could anything have been done to prevent your death? Death crosses my mind every day. There has not been a day in recent memory where it has not entered, existed for a brief moment or more and then exited my mind. This has been common to me for over 20 years.

Everyone says you are the adult – you make the decision. But what would you do if somewhere along the way you lost the ability to choose? The simple choice to take a shower for instance can take me up to a week to make.

I’m going to present to you, two lists. One list is of words and phrases people have said, written or used to describe me and some that happened to me. In the list that follows I’ll present another group of words that people have said, written or used to describe me and some that happened to me.

FIRST list

creative, full of energy, beautiful, soft, I love you, sincere, sensitive, you are an angel, daughter, lover, sexy, seductive, good, open-minded, multitasker, smart, pretty, nice, smile, blue eyes, indigo child, empathetic, sympathetic, artist, alive, hoola hooper, gardener, love of animals, delicate, dancer, full of energy, never stops, always listens, day dreamer, crazy, ambitious, original, can laugh at problems, find solutions, dream, hyperactive, surreal, snoookles, older sister, leader, commented on, adored, loved, drugs, a lot, loves life, expansion of the mind, inebriation, intoxication, addiction, searching, answers, guiding, teaching, learning, crying, soft, tears, happy, over achiever, seductive, ideas, hope, music, E, GHB, pepsi, gentle, fuck me, stamina, pornography, confident, floating above cities, hovering among willows, why, three, writer, emotion creator, film maker, art director, graphic designer, picture framer, mat cutter, colour, typography, poet, excellent memory, attention to detail, walking, woods, ocean, beach, forever, wife, girlfiend

SECOND list

mistake, hate, ambivalent, relentless, effort, mangled thought patterns, Generalized anxiety disorder, ADD, ADHD, obsessive, compulsive, hair puller, skin picker, you’re the devil, trichotilomania, tendency, day dreams, lost, kicked, hit, beat up, rape, loner, nerd, are you a boy, anorexic, boy you’ve put on weight, fuck you, throttle, 24 hour, partier, workaholic, smoker, pot, cigarettes, MDMA, GHB, dumb, failure, thoughts are dumb and crazy, incoherent, belligerent, angry, sad, depression, loss, death, cut, scratch, pick, eat, don’t eat, drunk, she’s blacked out, arrogant, overdose, confused, reject, low, rumors, girls hate, pornography, catholic, bad, quiet child, abruptive, shut up, be quiet, evaporate, go away, leave me alone, throw up, pass out, die, kicking, men, force, woman farce, suffering in silence, too long, how old are you, why, sex, three, stop, bad, memory, hyper, pepsi, pain, gut hurts, chrohn’s, addict, overstimulated, hate advertising, never, divorce, unsure, can’t decide

Tomorrow I go see the doctor at Daytox. I spoke up today in the grey of Vancouver day to address all these words of mine to the nurse and councilor. There are two many eggs in my damn basket right now. I’m so grateful to everyone who has helped me over the past 6 months. The professional list is long. And in their lies the mania.

Over the past 6 months I have seen:

Addictions Doctor
Councilor A
Councilor B
Family Doctor
Psychiatrist
Nurse A
Nurse B
Councilors C, D and E

I travel to three different locations to see these people, attend their groups and get therapy. Only three times have any of them communicated with one another about what is going on with me. I’m not getting a clear answer. So now tomorrow I am going to Doctor C who is at location one. Then I go to See councilor A at location two in a few days. I then go see councilor C the day after that who at the recommendation of Councilor D and Nurse B will get all parties involved to plan out a new treatment plan. A couple of days after that I go see the Family Doctor at location three whom hopefully will have heard from Councilor C from location one. Councilor B is gone for while right now and that’s why I have councilor C. And there is supposed to be a new location added to the list. Location number four where I will meet ‘specialist’ psychiatrist. OMG!

FUCK. LOL. and good night! Something Councilor D said to me is “You do always have a way to laugh about your problems” You know in the end that is true. It makes me happy. But when I’m not laughing I’m dieing.

Any comments would be welcome!!! Is anyone out there in a similar situation?

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