Monthly Archives: April 2006

Kingdom of emotional temper tantrums

Over the past couple of days http://jessicadoyle.ca has been enduring some changes, perhaps not visable to you the serf but boy they were visable to me.

Between communicating with my host Web Strike Solutions and King Dee, Princess Jessica got her head into a tiffy and threw such a hissy, it only befits recording it poetically.

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Erotic Art – Where did it go?

To all those folks who visit JessicaDoyle.ca for the erotic art content from AmeaNet or anywhere else; It will, be back soon.

Never fear vagina’s and penises are near!

Above is one of my favorites to keep you occupied visually until my image galleries are fully functioning. You can click on the RSS orange icon beside the Erotica Category in the sidebar for a live feed update. Cheers!

Edit (May 17, 2006) – two images had to be removed due to their inclusion in a painting compeitition.

Saying Thank You to Chaos & Form

Chaos_and_form

During the past couple of months I have learned more about the back end of the internet than I ever did while enrolled in the Electronic Media Design Program at Langara College. That is not to say I didn’t learn anything; all education is invaluable. The year I spent there was full of curriculum and instructor changes, and we, the students felt the brunt of this shift in ideal from that of a creative mandate to a more commercial laden curricula by third semester. Most of the time what you learn doesn’t get put to practice until after the education.

We, as human beings have learned through years of being plagued by the media to complain. We have not however mastered the art of saying thank you as we tend to remember only the negative over the positive experience. How could one say thank you when all around you is negative? Simply put, you change and adapt to a new environment of your own choosing. It will save your life. I write again It will, save your life.

It’s hard to imagine that becoming an addict could save your life. For me looking back at that time it did. I’m not saying become an addict it will solve your problems, that just happened to be what I chose to do.

How angry I became the other night while checking my site stats and clicking on the links that you, the reader click out on. One of them happen to be The Electronic Media Design Program. I clicked it. I was not ready for what I read on the curriculum and instructor pages. I wanted to write a nasty email to than saying “How could you? Be wary of past EMD students coming back to haunt you”. This was Saturday Night. I did not write the letter. I harbor some negative energy towards the director still who didn’t know my name while there for the year 2004 (there are only three classes of 16 students maximum and many only had five or six students within them in total giving the program 40 students at any given time).

This is not a slander post towards an institution of higher learning. It is my remembrance of a time when my classmates and I endured some fowl, non negotiable curriculum changes. Will I approach them and ask why? Yes, I believe I will. Enough time has passed and my anger and resentment are cooling. I chose to save my life again, by becoming sober. I’m going to respond rather than react to this new information I found. The new students entering the program look like they will be getting a great curriculum and that in itself makes me happy. They will not endure the upheaval we did.

While immersed in the EMD program the following instructors made an impact on my studies (using their first names only) Heidi, Don, James, Ivana, Mac, Denise and Haigue. Your encouragement and thoughtful comments/criticisms helped me grow into who I am today. I will remember you. Thank you. And thank you to my classmates who never gave up when faced with a lie.

Perhaps that is why we the students aptly named our graduation Chaos & Form. I rendered the text grid for the poster. It can be seen at the top of this post. Click it!

One divided

What is our habitat as human beings on this earth? We seem to flourish even in the harshest climates buiding anthills to thrive around. While visiting New York City in 1995 my jaw dropped as I looked out, then down, at the multitudes of people, cars and rooftops, from atop the Empire States Building. Everything was orderly. People walked on sidewalks and crossed the street when walk signs blinked they could. Cars, buses and trucks beeped their way through the gridded landscape following eachother staying to the left or right of the streets. Grey, tarred and dirty roofing material reached as far as it could to the sky.

Collectively this panorama began to appear indistinguishable from itself save for a few buildings that had treed rooftops or nominal architectural characteristics. A lone red firetruck honking chaotically pushing through traffic broke the sound and patterned landscape every now and then. The people though, remained invariable, appearing as ants adhering to the paths set afore them. The odd one would lurch into traffic disobeying the common law, unique amongst the others, he divided himself from the nest.

Eric left today, sleeping bag in hand, going camping up to Harrison Lake with Ian, Tomoko and a few others. I had been invited. I chose not to go last night and told him so today. He said he was disapointed and I did too. I’m not upset at Eric nor anyone else. This is my own choosing. Fuck. I am one divided within myself. I want to be sober but be fucked up. I want to draw and work on the web. I want to dance, feel freedom in my head. But, by choosing to be alone have I lost out instead?

Everywhere I look there are drugs and alchahol. In recovery, people and instructors both, talk of them. They laugh about the good ‘ole days. What the fuck is that! I’ve been going less and less to Daytox and Dual Diagnosis. I sometimes feel it keeps me sick. So where exactly do I fit in? This is the functioning addicts manifesto not an addict on the street nor a fully functioning human being.

I’m not for nor against the use of drugs. I believe people should have the right to choose what they put into their own body. While in treatment, a client is to abstain from any drug use unless it is prescribed medication. But what about the addicts who could have only an addiction to one particular drug? In my case GHB excluding the pepsi and cigarettes. Every now and then I would like to have a glass of wine or a toke of pot. Not all addicts are addicted to all substances! They say in treatment “Why take the chance?” To me being sober is no different than functioning as an addict. My symtoms are the same. My reactions are too. My likes and dislikes are pretty equivalent too. As summer encroahes the northern hemisphere I wonder where I’ll be. I’m transitioning right now. I transitioned from addict to sober… what will it be next? Sober to question mark?

New York City was an idea in my head. After 9/11 the idea was dead.

I want to execute my ideas not kill them.

Beta ba bye

Saying good bye can mean many things. It could signify the end of a relationship or job. Good bye is said casually at the end of the day and sometimes in the morning. Good bye’s can be difficult and heart wrenching. Sometimes they are even enlightening, a new beginning; letting go of the old to welcome the new. The words good bye can be shortened down to bye or changed to ba bye or even see ya.

Today www.jessicadoyle.ca will be saying good bye to it’s beta version. Bye.

During the next few weeks sparks will fly and alarms will sound
In front of your eyes it will metamorphize
Muahahahahaha

Well, perhaps, if your computer malfunctions, sparks could fly setting your smoke detector off as you try to extinguish your cat’s tail which had ignited from the sparks who is madly running around on your computer desk now setting everything ablaze!

Simply put, jessicadoyle.ca beta will be taken down permanently on Saturday, the twenty second of April 2006 at the stroke of midnight Pacific Standard Time. Say your farewells to all the art! boohoo. Click on the eye… for one last view.

But, never fear
the third creation’s near
it, will be alive, in the comin’ weeks!
the Emotion Creator speaks!

Cheers!

Line Walking

Ever feel like you are walking on a line, similar to a path, but it’s a line, unending in time. On either side there lies choices; each opposite of the other; to be or not to be. To get off this damn line one has to make a choice. What if the ability to choose paralizes you emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually. All it takes is a single hesitation for the onset of paralyses. To hesitate causes fear.

Continuing along the line stumbling here and there small choices get made and some larger ones. As you walk you see the past and future as memories and ideas respectively. Where is the present you ask yourself? The present is when a choice is made and you step off the line. Sometimes you will fall. Sometimes you will jump. Many times you will step back on the line because the line is safe.

In the brain, time does not exist. Time is only numbers, a way to record what happened and what will be. The present is reality and your reality is, whatever you choose it to be.

A week into being sober my boyfriend says to me singing “Break on through to the other side”. I was furious and grumpy already. However, his wit struck a chord; I knew the song but not what it meant, nor did I know all the lyrics so I looked them up. I also looked up what they could possibly mean. Here is a great explanation written by Andrew Johnson. Tonight, I walk the line.

You know the day destroys the night
Night divides the day
Tried to run
Tried to hide
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side, yeah

We chased our pleasures here
Dug our treasures there
But can you still recall
The time we cried
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side

Yeah!
C’mon, yeah

Everybody loves my baby
Everybody loves my baby
She get
She get
She get
She get high

I found an island in your arms
Country in your eyes
Arms that chain us
Eyes that lie
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side
Break on through, oww!
Oh, yeah!

Made the scene
Week to week
Day to day
Hour to hour
The gate is straight
Deep and wide
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side
Break on through
Break on through
Break on through
Break on through
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

—Jim Morrison, The Doors, 1968

Reality is different now without drugs. Nothing is constant.