In the days before BLOG

In the days before blog I wrote pen in hand
onto paper scribbles
to later understand. They came furiously, many at a time;
unadultered, unedited I present you this ryme…

Written two years ago in 2004 near the end of march
and yes, there exists a Pandora’s Park.

An orange cast highlights from the west
Engines sound in the distance
as eagle’s make their nest.
From the treetops I view
the snow tipped northern mountains
are a beautiful shadowed hue.
The sky baby blue
the tree’s near amber
their leaves foliage soon to be anew

Oh, springtime I love thee so
Warm me and guide me
enlighten me
help me
Put me back together… to
find the love that I let go.

Did I let go of love? Or did love let go of me? It is 6:28 in the evening and right now I have to pee. I am thinking about David Carson… a designer… hoola hooping.

Mmm… Does David Carson like to hoola hoop? I am smoking a cigarette thinking about GHB, pot and E.

The dog just loudly started snoring – I keep smelling whiffs of unwanted cologne. Beautiful where are you now?

People helped me to get better because I wanted out of this despair, Eric, Angela, Darren, Junko, Mom, Dad, Grammie and Stephen. I feel like I’m falling back into it. I’m spiralling into the abyss. I don’t see an end. I used to, not so long ago knew I would escape… or rather my body and soul would finally amalgamate.

I used to be compassionate and now I don’t care. Mark understands he knows what it takes. I wish Eric was better. I wish he was calm. I’m tired of seeing his long sour face… tired of going to bed sad. Just fucking tired. He wants to die… he doesn’t want to go on living… what am I to do… can I be so forgiving.

I was growing and growing then it all suddenly stopped one night at the Lotus followed by a sexual romp. I get focused when he’s not here but it takes me so long to calm. It’s not working anymore. I want out. I want to stay. I want to cry and scream in shame. My life, life, life is to full of strife.

If I show him something beautiful he gets angry because he can’t see it. The only time he loves me is when I’m miserable (out of spirit).

Are we playing a game
a war of love and hate
I became cold today
I became sad today
I fell out of love today
I lost my wings today.
I played today for a little bit
hoola hooping so as to not take a fit.
Ah… Dido
Ah… Underworld
Oh… beautiful angels
Demons run scared.
My hearth is nearly bare

I cry out
is there anyone there?
I need out
This is just not fair

I’m starting to pout
because I am full of doubt;
it’s raging in despair
at the corner I’ll be sitting
looking out past the glare.

I know you A’sick
and it’s very contagious
You helped me I now know
It wasn’t outragious
to think I could
help you I would.

But maybe I’m dunb. I’M NOT FUCKING DUMB!

Oh… the sky grows lighter as the earth grows darker. Is it time for me to move on? Is it time for this to end? He asked for my measurements one happy evenin’.

I have forgotton how to breath.
I can speak of nothing beautiful
nor of nothing sacred
He speaks of despair
I know not what to do.
Is it time to just let it all fall apart.

Keeping control is not the answer
The answer is I have no control. I have given up control. I love again.

Thanks Mom you just called at the right time. :)

My love is gone
I am but a withered thorn
decaying amongst roses
blossoming alone
I die.

Fighting with words I shall devour you.

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