Sometimes people place fault, pass blame or simply fabricate something wrong with a person(s) when they want to leave a certain situation. Rather than trusting their own judgement, their [tag]cognitive[/tag] behavior tricks them into thinking they lack the ability to leave on their own merit. This simple idea had never entered my mind until yesterday sitting with my councillor in her office. I had been speaking to her about my attendance at Daytox and my thoughts that those employed there were tired of me and that I was picking up wierd vibes from them. How ingenious my mind has become at mangling causality; I have simply outgrown the services Daytox provides, save for the Benzodiazapine support group. Daytox and those who work there have done no wrong nor harm to me.
Why would I even think that they are out to get me? Where did I learn this [tag]behavior[/tag]? Why did everything slow down within my councillors office while she was directly speaking to me about this? The words left her mouth travelled into my ears and my brain understood. What the fuck? I actually reiterated “Yes, I think you could be right.” A little voice inside was quietly protesting “No, no, don’t believe her” but, I did. Time literally stopped.
All of a sudden I understood. What do I understand? I have the right to choose. I have been afraid to choose. I have the ability to choose not to attend Daytox without fear of being punished. Who would punish me if I don’t attend? No one at Daytox. Then who? It’s all in my mind; an [tag]allegory[/tag] developed and finely tuned over time to protect what’s mine. Whoah!
[tag]Anger[/tag] has a way of mysteriously seeping from humans. Out of fear, we react. We could scream, we cry, laugh, lie, hit, freeze, chase, shun or even die in the face of fear. Fear is our reflection in the mirrior. [tag]Fear[/tag] is assuming you have lost control. Fear is akin to addiction. [tag]Addiction[/tag] mothers the child lost. And being lost is lonely.
This lightbulb switched on yesterday. How can something be learned and understood so instantaniously? It almost felt like taking a [tag]drug[/tag] for the first time. I still feel the efftects today. Thank you Councillor A.
I left her office and proceeded to walk home. I walked and walked down streets through parks and an apparently abandonned mini amphitheatre that appeared to be used for worshipping oranges. There were orange peelings everywhere. It bordered a busy thouroughfare called Clark Drive and was close to a skytrain station. I sat down to rest creating stories up about the citrus loving people who come here to worship the God of Orange. I smoked a cigarette then continued exploring my way home using the northern mountains as my guide I diagonalled through the East Side.