Four Years or So to Go

In October of 2005 I began taking Diazapam, better known as Valium. Having become suicidal from my detox from GHB, diazapam relieved the 24/7 anxiety, lack of focus, fear and shame associated with most, if not all drug detoxification’s. Valium alleviated my symptoms. At 10mg’s a day I entered into another addiction. This one prescribed.

Seven months, nine tapered milligrams and countless crazy withdrawal effects later I, Jessica Doyle on June 12, 2006 will be free of Diazapam.

Memories have been surging up through the fog in my mind along with emotions almost too much to contain since quitting GHB on August 26, 2005. I have ceased trying to contain them. The memories are coming forth following a timeline. This timeline began long ago as a child. It progress’ as my [tag]sober[/tag] day count progress’. During treatment I recall talking to my councilor saying “I feel as though I’m 12 years old”, then “…17 years old”, “…27 years…” and re-living vividly, events, as though I was there, experiencing them again. As the memories good and bad push forward to the present, my past is accepted and put to rest.

Most addicts during detox revert back to the age when they emotionally stopped developing because it was at that point, they begin using substances to control their symptoms, whatever they may be. I used GHB for two and half years. Simply put, it controlled my symptoms to the extent where I could function in society as a student and later, an Art Director for a local Magazine.

At 32, there are about four or so years left to reckon with.

This is a much softer post in tone than I normally would write.
Today though, it just happened to be 29 degress Celcius
with the sun shining in Vancouver, BC.
I put on my bikini after walking home from group
and got my hands dirty, digging in dirt.
The garden is growing,

I’m as happy as pie!

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9 thoughts on “Four Years or So to Go”

  1. Thanks, and yes I’m having a beautiful day. It’s gorgeous outside. I Will be gardening outside tonight on the deck. Hope you are havin’ a good day too out East :)

  2. Jessica,

    I have also had troubles with my own demons. I was glad to see you thrive and prosper so creatively! Telling your story is sure to help others!!!!!

    Thank you

  3. We all seem to have those hidden ghosts in the closet don’t we?

    Nice to meet you Jo and thank you for reading my blog :)

  4. In my former job, I saw several people under the influence of GHB. For some reason THAT particular drug became very popular in my little town. Hence, I don’t see how you were able to function at all out there?! I haven’t been able to find the posts about the near-death-experiences, though … could be more there to enlighten me about what was going on.

    On a different note; that part about that we stop developing emotionally is SO TRUE. I wasn’t aware of that … but I came to that conclusion on my own. I quit 1993, and I don’t think I’ve caught up YET [2010] LOL…

  5. I sometimes wonder if we ever catch up.

    I was able to function because when I was high it was my normal. I didn’t get high anymore and was simply maintaining what my brain and body perceived to be normal :(

    I haven’t really shed light on the near death experiences. One day I’ll write about them or share my journals pages that I wrote that both lead up to and followed after them.

    So glad to hear you quit!

  6. I have just found your beautiful blog and art!
    I am truelly so thankful that you gained the courrage to walk in the light…you were made on purpose, with a reason, you are beautiful and extremely talented and thus your purpose!
    May you continue to be strong (I am Christian) in God who will strengthen you, praise Him for loving you!!!!


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