I have been pondering the term addiction in how it relates to my pschy and life. It has been a while since I wrote of such. It has been many days, weeks even monthes since my last cap of GHB. The 26 of August will mark that one year has passed since I chose to live. This fact causes me to ponder am I better or worse off for that matter, could I be masking still what is inside that needs to be discussed or even just left in the dark to receed into the unknown human landscape we call forgotten memories?
It does not feel like it was yesterday to me. It does not feel like it was me, who experienced the disease of addiction. That holds true for Chron’s disease; was it me laying in a hospital bed talking to death everyday? Do people catch, get or develop a disease to communicate with the other side unknowingly, for that matter could we conciously choose to get sick? Do we choose to get better? Is better being alive and not ill? I am alive. I am not addicted to GHB anymore. But is it better? Is it better knowing that when you are sick you got attention or that when one is sick you know how to get attention? Or is illness and disease a symtom of life not death. Could it be that when we are sick we communicate life. Everything we do in life is to avoid death.
Think about that: Everything we do in life is to avoid death.
What if we accepted death to live. We all know deep down inside we will die. You will die, maybe not tomorrow or in five years but you will. What happens though when one is sick, wraught with disease would you say they are choosing to be sick or maybe they had no choice in the matter. Could we, be choosing to meet death head on to see what the other side offers?
Would you choose to do something that could potentially kill you? Would you smoke a cigarette? Would you jaywalk? Would you shoot yourself? Would you eat spoiled food? Would you consume drugs to discover other parts of your brain? Would you work or live in a city? Would you eat highly processed food? Would you choose to do all or some of these things for money?
Did you smoke to get cancer? Did you ingest substances to become an addict? Did you eat to become obese? Of course you did whether or not you like to admit it or not. You are the ones who are like me. You know what could happen or you don’t and it hasn’t happened. All you know is that you smoke, you take drugs or eat. You could know that you are dependant upon smoking, the ingestion of drugs or certain foods. What you don’t know is what the effect these choices are doing on the inside. What are these things doing to you? What do your lungs look like? How is your brain looking? Does your heart beat ok?
I can see pictures of other people’s lungs ravaged by cancer simply by searching for them. I can also see what the possible effects of smoking did to these lungs over the years. I can see other people’s brains reacting to or having had been exposed to different substances. I see the obese unable to walk. Maybe the potential cause of a disease is irrelevant. It could be that to treat the disease you show the person what it looks like in them not someone else. Give the addict a brain scan. Give the obese person a heart moniter. X-ray the smokers lungs. Seeing, or meeting other people with the same disease can be wonderful and can help knowing you are not the only one with said disease. This will only go so far to changing people’s minds about quitting smoking, adjusting their eating or drug habits.
The only thing that truly causes me to not ever want to ingest GHB again is the memory of my last night using it before I finished tapering on august 26, 2005. That’s it. Can you beleive that? One memory of death and life talking together within my brain… didn’t save my life nor did it kill me… they just talked it out and in the morning life won.
And why is it illegal to take certain drugs when you can legally over-eat or even skydive or fish for crab in Alaska? You only know what something is doing to you when you talk to the other side and only then are you able to choose.
Writing out questions unedited is a way to perhaps discover answers within ourselves. The only thing I will do now is go back over the post and add in relevant links, an image and corect any obvious spelling or grammar errors I see.