My last weigh in at the doctor was a whopping ???lbs. Woot to me eh? So who and what can I blame my 32 year old bodies shape on? Paxil, Pepsi and a creative mind’s favorite word, procastination. At this moment in time I want to say I would still like to be a part of the diet, however I am not going to set a goal. I am just going to live and let living be my guide.
Doing things to fast causes me to backtrack into the recesses of my mind. I began this diet very fast and very furiously. I was in hyper mode. LOL. Anxiety was ruling my daily activities rather than doing I was thinking and re-thinking myself into oblivion. I took a break from posting to The Diet and would like to resume posting to it today and hopefully in the least, write bi-weekly updates.
I have been active but not as physically active as I was before. My mind has changed from that of an anxiety ridden mind to that of a I can’t keep up with my ideas now mind. The paxil has done a good job of controlling my anxiety. I miss though anxious moments of thought that would drive me to create with all those ideas I have. My brain works pretty good. Lot’s of ideas. Procastination has become a way of life over the last couple of monthes in the sense that it is very very difficult to organize my thoughts coherantly and get them out. Maybe the paxil has relaxed me to a point where nothing matters anymore physically. Without physically acting on my mentally engineered ideas, how the hell am I to lose weight, write, paint…
Six monthes ago I was put on a waiting list to be tested for ADHD. Yes, adults can have ADHD. In college I was teased as being the “what could happen to your child if not treated for ADHD early on in life poster adult”. LOL! I find though the more mentally healthy I get the more confused I get at the same time. Many things are still black and white to me. I still hold my breath literally. I still bounce between trusting myself and questioning almost every moment of every day as to whether what I am doing is what I should be doing. I don’t have the urge to use GHB. I do however crave the focus it gave me to bounce around completing many tasks and creating many ideas without forgetting small details. It is why I began taking it. My GOD what could this have done if I had had this in junior high when my coping skills began to fail, when everything around me became good or bad, judged, forbidden or swept under the carpet. That was then though. 20 years later knowing what I am capable of, but not being able to completely harness it’s power instantaniously still haunts me.
People do not begin taking drugs because they are illegal or bad. I can’t say that enough. They begin taking them because they work at least in the beginning when you assume you are still in control only to wake up knowing something is not quite right. The assumtion is the killer. And the authorities thinking that human beings will not naturally want to alter their mind woith substances both legal and illegal is foolish. We have been doing it for thousands of years. Why do you think raves were so popular and perhaps still are in some places today. So many things have become demonized in our modern culture that just having fun even has rules now.
I smoke cigarettes. I attempted quitting last week on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I began smoking again. Nicotene is a stimulant. A stimulant. I think it is possible that some people could benefit from both prescribed stimulants and depressants to be normal. Can I say that?
Can I say this? I miss my anxiety sometimes. It drove me. It kept my weight within normal range for all of my life until this year. When I excercise now, regardless of the activity I do; it makes me feel high. The endorphins are too much for me. Within a half hour of excercise I am high. Maybe excercise scares me now because it makes me high. Many addicts become addicted to excercise for this reason to a point where it is full-fledged addiction. I’ve been to other side.
On a humourous note a fatter bum is a better bum, for sitting on, than a boney bum.