Monthly Archives: December 2006

The morning after the collapse

After seven hours sleep I feel ok. I just woke up about 20 minutes ago and it is the first time in a while I didn’t wake up panicked. I keep reassuring myself there is no shame in honesty; none. Before I went to sleep last night I felt fear and a sense of calm; a sense of peace. One of the things about urges and triggers is to get away from them, do something else and the urge will pass. I feel doing the same during an anxiety attack helps also. Whatever last night was, is not now. I am still Jessica and I am alive.

I want to thank my blog today. When I use this blog to share, kindness tends to present itself. It is a place where I can write out my struggles, my thoughts and create art. I’m learning that I am not so different from anyone else.

My mom used to say growing up “just put it out there“, “give it to god” and “let it go“. There are times when this seems impossible. Life only seems impossible at times. Saying “NO” and asking people to respect your boundaries is as heavy as a mountain to say. Setting my boundaries has begun anew today.

NYE 2007 – addiction sheds its disguise

I am playing around on my site and probably will do so quite often as the New Year approachs, then begins. To everyone – please do not worry about me and let me know how worried you are. All it does is cause me to second guess myself and worry about you. Right now I am safe with my cat and surogate dog and am working on my apartment, blog and also in the process of contacting people about NYE who can help me if needed. The drug useage in my previous post happened when none of you know. Just like any other chronic desease, a relapse may occur. What has helped in the past is when I open up and begin writing HONESTLY. This is my blog. This is my life. And the addiction is not who I am just as when my chron’s disease was active, the chron’s was not who I was. They are both there inside me and I have the choice to be transparent.

There are times when we truley find ourselves alone. This is not a bad thing. It just is. The people who are normally in my life are not for one reason or other, not able to help me. Physically, some of them are off of the continent right now. Others live in another city unreachable by bus or skytrain. Some live on the other side of the continent.

cosmicfencing.jpgI have some aquaintances :). I have been reading so much tonight after desparelty searching for my resource self compiled addiction resource binder. The fear had become silently overwhelming. I’m putting my coping skills to the test. I’m responding rather than reacting. If you are at all alarmed by this take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Daytox, Dual Diagnosis and my Family Doctor have given me the skills. I just didn’t think I would ever have to use them again ;).

So the aquaintances. They are people whom I can trust to be with, without being triggered. I know this. I have tested this. This is a very great thing indeed. Friday night (today) I’ll be attending a free event on fencing. I’ve decided to attend at a specificly set time frame. I have bus fare put aside for the event. I’m actually excited about going. It is going to be a black light spectacle. The people whom I know in attandance are NOT hard drug users and will not show me any, nor offer me any because they don’t use them.

NYE though, I need to do some research. I cannot attend any club event at all nor can I attend any event where people i know are taking hard drugs.

If I did attend a club event or house party it would end in these two scenarios ONLY.

  • 1. Attend event – leave event and return home safely and fall asleep whether or not the consumption of drugs occured.
  • 2. Attend event – leave event and return home an addict.
  • Seriously, I WILL NOT take that risk.

    You know what, regardless of where I am physically located in the world these same scenarios could be occurring there.

    I am not angry with anyone. Please believe me. My gut (instinct) is working at an all time high (no pun intended).

    Adapted from Anonymous – Do you respond or react?

    My comments after the story.

    I walked with a friend to the newstand the other night and he baught a paper, thanking the newsie politely. The newsie didn’t even achnowledge it.

    “A sullen fellow isn’t he?” I commented.

    “Oh he’s that way every night,” shrugged my friend.

    “Then why do you continue to be so polite to him?” I asked.

    “Why not?” inquired my friend. “why should I let HIM decide how I’m going to act?”

    As I thougt about this incident later, it occurred to me that the important word was “act”. My friend responds toward people; most of us REACT toward them.

    He has a sense of inner balance which is lacking in most of us; he knows who he is, what he stands for, and how he should behave. He refuses to return rudeness for rdueness because he would no longer be in command of his own conduct.

    Nobody is unhappier than the constant REACTOR. Their sense of self is not rooted inside themselves where it belongs, but in the world outside them. They allow outside influences to control them, and they, in turn, lose control.

    REACTING may give them a feeling of satisfaction, but it is false because it does not last and it does not come from self-approval. Criticism depresses them more than it should because it confirms their own secretly shaky opinion of themselves. Snubs hurt them and the merest suspicion of unpopularity in any quarter rouses them to bitterness.

    Peace of mind cannot be achieved until we become the master of our own actions and attitudes. To let another determine whether we shall be rude or gracious, elated or depressed, is to relinquish control over our own personalities. Utimately, our personalities are all we possess. The only true possession is self possession.

    I recieved this story while in treatment for addiction and mental health concerns. This season has been as joyous as it is difficult for me. Decisions are damn hard to make. Speaking my mind is even harder. Being completely honest with myself has become a burden; all of which are directly influencing my choices – reactions. Addiction is as real to me at this moment in time as it was one year ago and a year before that… It’s getting harder to say no. I’ve given in to myself twice. I have used twice. When is not important. Just the shame I feel in using and wanting more. I did not use GHB. I used Extasy.

    The one choice that saved me this evening is love for myself and hope that the next choice I make will be for love of myself again, nothing else, nothing less.

    Being honest with myself is the first step.

    Stench on my pants

    Vine - EastVanEsica 2006The stench of manure wafted upwards, entering my nostrils as the garbage bag tore along the bottom seam. I heaved it to the ground, looked down and frowned a mishchievious smile, cursing the rotton plant matter I was carrying. Then thanked the gods that this black bag held itself together, before leaking dark brown liquid, until outside of the apartment building. A burgundy vehicle had just pulled up to witness the event. One of them laughed, asking if I was carrying a dead body. I stared at him then looked down and grinned back “No, just some rotten plant matter from my deck.” He lifted his eyebrows and walked with the other three to inside our building.

    I had lugged this garbage bag moments earlier from four flights up. The freeze Vancouver experienced a few weeks back wilted and killed off any other living greenery that was still growing. I still had flowers… not anymore. The pansies are beginning to grow again, as are the leeks, the onions, parsley, tyme and oregano. The crocus’s are rearing their heads all confused thinking it is February when it is only the end of December. I’m getting quite a kick out of the perannuals that die and grow, then die and grow again regardless of how many times they are killed during the year by nature or when I pick them to eat.

    Yes, this bag could have made decent compost except it was mixed with non-organic matter and my container for compost was full. This whole process of burying the dead matter has been re-juvinating enough for me to start menstruating two days early. The full moon hasn’t appeared yet. I am a ware-wolf; a menstruating ware-wolf. I am a single menstrating ware-wolf ocassionaly hauling rancid manure to the dumpster who enjoys large glasses of pepsi on the rocks accompanied with one king size players extra light cigerette. Dammit.
    Continue reading

    Puzzled Stiletto Shoe

    Stare at the Flower Staring at the Cactus on the Shoe

    Title – Puzzled Stiletto Shoe

    Medium – Ink on Fabriano Paper with some colour added in Photoshop

    Artist’s Statement from EastVanEsica
    Stare at the
    flower staring @
    at the cactus
    on the shoe

    Update – This drawing initially lead to the creation of another drawing which I posted to the Blog Herald, entitled Echo Chamber Drawing. Bloggers in particular will get a kick out of it. 😉 Myself, I do not enjoy reading the same topic over and over again on many blogs unless the blogger has added her own voice and opinion to the topic and/or includes some new found facts. The happy face and cacti have been carried over that drawing.

    Cooked – then I ate it.

    Rediscovering that it was periods of time during schooling growing up, maybe… anxiety disorders arrise from lack of healthy interaction in pre-teen thru adolescent years. Adults who experience non-rational, mean, plain unkindness or lack of respect as a human being, as kids continue on

    What is the feeling of abandonment. Does it feel like hell. Could it feel freeing for someone else? Have you ever waited for anger to rear it’s head. Sitting quietly, then almost violently it catches you, spins you around, then throws you oblivious-to-direction only to be caught again. *You know, learning this anger mangement release in healthy – I hate that word. What does healthy actually mean; are you healthy? Healthy is an ideal that does not exist. Healthy is only relevant to the one experiencing the feeling of Health. I think too many words these days have been adopted by mass media, twisted and burned into a fragmented, forced upon ideal we all had to digest raw. Fuck. When I got angry growing up most would just laugh. My reaction to anger as an adult, modestly has clothed itself into a smile. Why do I have to smile all the time. Yea-t now the laughter begins. As soon as anger envelops me it is torn smitherines by laughter or sheer silence.

    Could this actually fucking be the discovery that a great way to deal with anger is to create with it any way you want.

    Local Fact – Vancouver has been experiencing freak natural one hit wonders during the night while we sleep. The latest victom was no less, beloved Stanley Park. Um. Why are all you people giving money to Mr. Park, that just recieved a natural mother natural blow of wind, and high seas. His veins roads mind you are in great dis-repair and urgently need to be fixed. However what I don’t understand is the buying of more trees to fill the park. What if you just let the public go in and plant a tree if they want. As of tonight the park has earned 40K from private donation to replant trees. I like trees don’t get me wrong. My favorite tree in the park across from me was felled after the storm; chainsawed down by man to the ground. Wouldn’t a death by mother nature be a natural way to go from the living to the dead. This causes thoughts of carrots. Yanking carrots out of the ground, rapidly cutting, slicing off the beautiful green leafy stems, left to wither on the ground, only to be devoured in our mouthes with rock hard calcium deposits. Folks that was a murdered carrot, cooked and then, I ate it. Oh help me god!

    Sometimes things happen that are awful in life. It can’t be that bad to remember them. This time around though the anger and I will subside.

    *unedited ’cause it just makes sense.

    He and I ran so far away

    Ever get the urge to begin again? These urges tend to arrive unbidden. The urges could make you smile. They possibly are relevant and more real than once you perceived them to be. Do you run away? Or do you bunker down for the long term and take a stance for what you believe in? And what is it that we believe in, as individuals and with those relative to your life?

    This belief system we have all learned through living, is something I question everyday. Is there such a thing as calm; such a thing as calm within the mind; per-say a quieting of thoughts, a quieting of self-talk in the head. I search for the ultimate calm. The ultimate awakening of doing. Just doing with no thinking, no intrusion, no afterthought, no questions and no repetitive noise. Maybe odd to you in the fact that in many ways I am not you. Nor am I your mother.

    Transition of one life to the next life is a testament to your ability to adapt, accept and in allowing yourself to experience emotion without thinking about it, could be, the greatest gift you give yourself.

    Recently my boyfriend, Eric left our home to experience his life elsewhere. I miss him so much. I get scared to share these experiences while they are happening. Been true in real life as it is online. My instinct is to share but for some reason (note the mind works in mysterious ways), there is a questioning Jessica inside of my head! I’ve reached a boiling point and feel like bubbling over coating everything in my world with a cascade of memory so that I may do the so-called moving-on-thing that most do after a relationship ends or changes.

    The thing is, I’m having trouble prioritizing. P.r.i.o.r.i.t.i.z.a.t.i.o.n. Prioritization is a particularly dreadful word to me. It carries a connotation of record keeping, taxes, rent, food and pretty much all else associated with monetary financial one needs to live. How do you as a person wrap your head around the need to earn a living. Why do we need to earn our right to life. Isn’t it possible to simply live without the daily naggings of money. Fuck. Now I sound like the woman who needs a man to live. LMAO! Truly this thought is causing me to bend over laughing. What else can I say but, dammit!

    Purley there are thoughts that come unbidden to my head and I like to write them out, giving some train-of-thought to a topic I may be writing. Juan, feels differently though. 😉 He has some strong opinions of me. Here are some of his thoughts from the comment he left on the Birthday Post recently.

    You illiterate free-loader, you cannot see the sun set and rise simultaneously.
    Simultaneously means…

    This is possible when one is flying in an aircraft and looking out the windows and also when one is dreaming, Juan from Montreal :). I have experienced both. I hope someday you can to. I am illiterate when it comes to foreign languages other than french and very basic Spanish which I do understand. I can read, speak and think in English. I actually pay for my website and am not free-loading if that was your intentional meaning, SpamJuan. That is what I will call you. SpamJuan. Has a nice ring to it.

    *The words written about I ran so far away on YouTube.

    He sang this walking upstairs to our apartment on November 10, 2006. He has since run away. His date of departure from our home on December 16, 2006.

    I love you Eric.

    This video is not edited in any way shape or form.