LUCIDITY – full feature

by jessicadoyle on December 4, 2006 · 11 comments

I have let go of the chapters.

lucidityeastvanesicafull.jpg

This film accurately portrays the daily non-trust of myself. Three months ago I wanted to release this movie. Self fear and loathing took over. A relapse of a different kind ensued, that of self denial and anxiety.

This movie was filmed and completed as of December 2004. When I opened it up three monthes ago to ad credits and thus break it into chapters for easy internet viewing, I could only do the first chapter. This is the way I want it to be viewed. Those 10 monthes of acute addiction (3rd relapse) beginning in 2005 are not portrayed in this movie. But maybe, the idea of how I got there, is.

I have been sober of GHB for 465 days. A hundred days have passed since the last count. A hundred more may come to be.

To everyone who reads my site: Sometimes the self is the leading voice against you.

After the jump, Lucidity –

I compressed this film the best I could for internet viewing. Lucidity was a 2.2 gigabyte file. The Lucidity below is 50.8mb, ideal for internet viewing. Hit play, turn your volume up and enjoy.

Thank you,
Jessica Doyle – emotion creator

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  • http://www.astronutrition.com/blog Chester

    I love it!!! This should be entered in a film festival.

  • http://www.gotashotofinnerfuel.com Jecklin

    Yeah, Ms. Jessica, it is so good…you already know I like it but still…listen, your video draws me in and I won’t let go…in my eyes you are Queen of Web Video

  • http://jessicadoyle.ca Jessica Doyle

    Chester I hope to do so. I would love some collaboration on it though. I think having someone else’s eyes and editing expertise could do it wonders.

  • http://jessicadoyle.ca Jessica Doyle

    Jecklin ah *blush*. Thank you. Your comment means a lot to me as you are another talented videographer.

    I smile when I read your poetic in verse almost sung comment.

    thanks dude ;)

  • http://thescottenglishshow.com/show/ Scott English

    Wow. That was a really interesting and amazing look into your life. I hate to seem like I am drawing parallels by what I am about to say, but so be it if it is interpretted that way, it is not how I intend it: I had a love affair with Marijuana once. For me, it opened up parts of me that I had lost from my childhood… parts that explored and created and had imagination and wasn’t afraid, stifled or pushed deep down inside me. I miss that part of me. Many days I feel like the key has been thrown away, and I will never see that part of myself in its full splendor again.

    And that hurts.

    And it makes it harder.

    And it pushes that part of me down further, away from the surface.

    I feel such a tenuous link to what I can only imagine is an important part of myself… the part that just explores and creates and does. Sometimes I get so… just so lost about that.

    Sometimes people… persons that care about me ask me what is wrong… and I can’t tell them… I can’t.. I can’t verbalize… how can you tell them you aren’t living like you know that you can.

    But I have put the love affair behind me.

    And for better or worse… I move on. I struggle forward. Days don’t often seem easier than the day before… and I wonder if I can wait long enough… will I find the answer one day… a way.. without using.

    I don’t think so.

    I wonder if I have lost a part of myself forever.

    But I keep going on. And I remember.

    Thank you, Jessica.

  • http://thoughtsphilosophies.com Carolyn Manning

    Hi Jessica,

    The other day I watched Lucidity, then my ISP went down, then the thought of coming back to comment disappeared.

    Anyway, it’s a good testimonial and I admire you for making it. I’ve also had my addiction problems and I’m sure it was tough doing the film. Well, it would have been for me.

    Now, did I remember to subscribe?

    Carolyn

  • http://jessicadoyle.ca Jessica Doyle

    Scott – Your words are beautiful to me. You undertsand, I can see that it is not always possible to verbalize to those who have not experienced this opening and closing of the mind. I go on. I back sometimes. I look forward to.

    Today, I am thankful you shared your words here.

    Sometimes people… persons that care about me ask me what is wrong… and I can’t tell them… I can’t.. I can’t verbalize… how can you tell them you aren’t living like you know that you can.

    I think by writing it out, creating online or offline sharing thoughts freely opens their hearts and minds.

  • http://jessicadoyle.ca Jessica Doyle

    Hi Carolyn – glad to see you found your way here. Welcome. The actual filming was grand because I was shotting myself in everyday life just talking, trying to understand. The hard part was in the editing. The hardest part was to release.

    It’s released.

    I think maybe all of us can relate to addiction somehow whether we are inflicted or live every close to it. By being honest with myself and letting this film go I’ve felt this great weight lift off my spirit as of late.

    Those dang ISP’s… ;)

    Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts here.

  • http://range.wordpress.com range

    Hey Jess, I am at work so I can’t watch it right now, but I will later on tonight! I am glad that you were finally able to release it. Did it feel cathartic?

  • http://jessicadoyle.ca Jessica Doyle

    range –

    Did it feel cathartic?

    Purge and cleanse.
    Indeed it did.

  • Suki

    Okay…reality is harsh but here it is. Get over yourself. I am a former ghb/crystal meth addict (6 years, clean for 2)..manic depressive, masochistic tendancies, victim of child abuse years…the list goes on and on. You are an addict because you call yourself one. I moved across the country and started a new life..shed myself of my addict identity. Everything is not perfect but I’m okay. I’m not being a bitch but stop feeling sorry for yourself, suck it up and move on.

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