I find myself travelling outside to the deck. I stop. I look forward to a horizon of mountains and cloud. All that I knew has changed in an instant. Really I don’t even know what questions to ask. Is there any questions I can ask to the world. I asked. The clouds and mountains remained. The city lights are still shining. My home is quieter than it has ever been tonight. Silent memories ebb out of the walls from where the furniture used to be just five hours ago. Roxy is here. She is the dog I am caring for, for three and a half weeks while her owner is in Winnipeg visiting family for Christmas. Missy is here with me although hiding in the studio closet curled into stored blankets. Roxy got out of the vet hospital two days ago. She almost died from a pancreatic attack. A full week she spent in intensive care. She is happy, eating special canine food and has been prescribed metronizidol.
Missy is a little confused. I have have dog-sat Roxy on two previous occasions. Feline and canine seem to get along just fine.
I am at odds at forming thoughts. Everything happens when you least expect it. The bed is gone. The desk is gone. I have left before, a long long time ago. The memory of that day six years past became an awkward reversed reality of packing and stuffing bags and boxes. This afternoon he opened the door, walked over and sat down beside me. Fuck. He is physically not living here anymore. He left today. I cried. ohhhh. It hurts. This feeling in the centre of my chest. It aches, it feels good, it cries, it quiets. It fades away. It begins anew. I wish the mountains could talk to me right now. I am alone. I can only imagine what is going through Eric’s mind. He looked so scared yet determined to do this. He made a decision. There was no talking about it. I knew deep inside there would be no talking about it.
This reality I find myself in is in flux. What is constant to human beings? Love is constant. I asked him to be good to himself. I said I would be good to myself. That is what I am doing. I don’t know the answers. I don’t want to know the answers. Another day maybe. I miss him. I wanted to help him pack but couldn’t. I felt desparate, then confusion. Then moments of clarity, of why things begin and end. Overwhelming sensations of loss gripped my being. Anger was very quiet. I am ok. I am alive. I began thinking of hurting myself, but that is just dumb and those fleeting thoughts of a behavior that is no longer a part of me, I said goodbye to today. There is no reason for me to hurt me. Neither one of us did anything wrong or right. We lived together, we loved eachother, we shared and cared and grew with one another.
My heart hurts. I love you hun.