Ever get the urge to begin again? These urges tend to arrive unbidden. The urges could make you smile. They possibly are relevant and more real than once you perceived them to be. Do you run away? Or do you bunker down for the long term and take a stance for what you believe in? And what is it that we believe in, as individuals and with those relative to your life?
This belief system we have all learned through living, is something I question everyday. Is there such a thing as calm; such a thing as calm within the mind; per-say a quieting of thoughts, a quieting of self-talk in the head. I search for the ultimate calm. The ultimate awakening of doing. Just doing with no thinking, no intrusion, no afterthought, no questions and no repetitive noise. Maybe odd to you in the fact that in many ways I am not you. Nor am I your mother.
Transition of one life to the next life is a testament to your ability to adapt, accept and in allowing yourself to experience emotion without thinking about it, could be, the greatest gift you give yourself.
Recently my boyfriend, Eric left our home to experience his life elsewhere. I miss him so much. I get scared to share these experiences while they are happening. Been true in real life as it is online. My instinct is to share but for some reason (note the mind works in mysterious ways), there is a questioning Jessica inside of my head! I’ve reached a boiling point and feel like bubbling over coating everything in my world with a cascade of memory so that I may do the so-called moving-on-thing that most do after a relationship ends or changes.
The thing is, I’m having trouble prioritizing. P.r.i.o.r.i.t.i.z.a.t.i.o.n. Prioritization is a particularly dreadful word to me. It carries a connotation of record keeping, taxes, rent, food and pretty much all else associated with monetary financial one needs to live. How do you as a person wrap your head around the need to earn a living. Why do we need to earn our right to life. Isn’t it possible to simply live without the daily naggings of money. Fuck. Now I sound like the woman who needs a man to live. LMAO! Truly this thought is causing me to bend over laughing. What else can I say but, dammit!
Purley there are thoughts that come unbidden to my head and I like to write them out, giving some train-of-thought to a topic I may be writing. Juan, feels differently though. He has some strong opinions of me. Here are some of his thoughts from the comment he left on the Birthday Post recently.
You illiterate free-loader, you cannot see the sun set and rise simultaneously.
This is possible when one is flying in an aircraft and looking out the windows and also when one is dreaming, Juan from Montreal :). I have experienced both. I hope someday you can to. I am illiterate when it comes to foreign languages other than french and very basic Spanish which I do understand. I can read, speak and think in English. I actually pay for my website and am not free-loading if that was your intentional meaning, SpamJuan. That is what I will call you. SpamJuan. Has a nice ring to it.
*The words written about I ran so far away on YouTube.
He sang this walking upstairs to our apartment on November 10, 2006. He has since run away. His date of departure from our home on December 16, 2006.
I love you Eric.
This video is not edited in any way shape or form.