I am playing around on my site and probably will do so quite often as the New Year approachs, then begins. To everyone – please do not worry about me and let me know how worried you are. All it does is cause me to second guess myself and worry about you. Right now I am safe with my cat and surogate dog and am working on my apartment, blog and also in the process of contacting people about NYE who can help me if needed. The drug useage in my previous post happened when none of you know. Just like any other chronic desease, a relapse may occur. What has helped in the past is when I open up and begin writing HONESTLY. This is my blog. This is my life. And the addiction is not who I am just as when my chron’s disease was active, the chron’s was not who I was. They are both there inside me and I have the choice to be transparent.
There are times when we truley find ourselves alone. This is not a bad thing. It just is. The people who are normally in my life are not for one reason or other, not able to help me. Physically, some of them are off of the continent right now. Others live in another city unreachable by bus or skytrain. Some live on the other side of the continent.
I have some aquaintances :). I have been reading so much tonight after desparelty searching for my resource self compiled addiction resource binder. The fear had become silently overwhelming. I’m putting my coping skills to the test. I’m responding rather than reacting. If you are at all alarmed by this take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Daytox, Dual Diagnosis and my Family Doctor have given me the skills. I just didn’t think I would ever have to use them again ;).
So the aquaintances. They are people whom I can trust to be with, without being triggered. I know this. I have tested this. This is a very great thing indeed. Friday night (today) I’ll be attending a free event on fencing. I’ve decided to attend at a specificly set time frame. I have bus fare put aside for the event. I’m actually excited about going. It is going to be a black light spectacle. The people whom I know in attandance are NOT hard drug users and will not show me any, nor offer me any because they don’t use them.
NYE though, I need to do some research. I cannot attend any club event at all nor can I attend any event where people i know are taking hard drugs.
If I did attend a club event or house party it would end in these two scenarios ONLY.
1. Attend event – leave event and return home safely and fall asleep whether or not the consumption of drugs occured. 2. Attend event – leave event and return home an addict.
Seriously, I WILL NOT take that risk.
You know what, regardless of where I am physically located in the world these same scenarios could be occurring there.
I am not angry with anyone. Please believe me. My gut (instinct) is working at an all time high (no pun intended).