The Baby Story – dog farts and sperm banks

…for *wagonized xo

There were two times during my life where I found myself wanting to have babies. The first time was during the year 1999. The year before all was to end. The year we were all taught technology was destined to fail; all digital clocks would turn to 01/01/00 reverting back to the year 1900. How could we have been such suckers.

Did you have a Y2K plan? I had a plan. Go up north and live on the family plot of land. Why not, throw a baby into the migration to. I had been married one year. I had survived death two and a half years before. I felt positive. I felt happy. I had been lied to. In the fall of that year, I found the Y2K rumours at their nastiest.

I look to pass blame on people for things that were my choice to make as an adult. It began at 12 and continues on today albeit much milder in form. Maybe it means I’m growing up.

I wanted to have a baby. I was clean, not smoking cigarettes, married, and was calm most of the year leading up to autumn and generally stable, happy, off the birth control pill and waiting. **Dude just wanted to see it fly in the air. OK. There goes some blame. Seriously, it caused anger back then. I wanted a baby. Then I realized this was not going happen. Other interests and desires seemed more attainable. I was running a business with a fellow NBCCD graduate. We were doing well. We had items for sale in boutiques up and down the Eastern Coast of North America.

I look upon this time in my life as a happy memory. I’m writin’ these words and it’s like bubbles of past floating instantly popping. A whole decade has passed. I began smoking. I began having sex with multiple partners. Consensual and great! You see, these times were not only good, they were as real as any other human experience we all could live through.

I wanted to have a baby last year. Then I realized this was not going to happen. Do I want a baby right now? Certainly – I would have to visit a sperm bank in Canada.

There are only two sperm banks in Canada. This fact shocked me upon reading it for the first time. Not too long ago 40 existed. Start paying the men who donate or you will eliminate a large population of people who seek treatment to become pregnant. There is a running joke I have going with my family: The only way I will ever have a baby is by going to a sperm bank. If things keep going this way, infertile humans will need to travel abroad to purchase sperm. I wander if men sell their sperm on eBay. Imagine what the ad would look like? Imagine how a Google ad would read !

Healers often believe that one is like, what one thinks.

A baby right now… I just finished looking after a sick doggy for three and a half weeks. Who-ah! Female dog farts are horrendous. Silent and rank linger-ers wafting, coating oxygen. She farted so much. After a while the apartment smelled of rancid dog meal in a can. She’d let one go while sleeping, would wake up, sniffing turning towards her furry bum, scramble up from her dream and saunter 10 steps away; turn and stare at the invisible stink emission.

I have no clue what I’m doing for the first time in my life. I’m ***addled. Very first time. Underwhelming. All consuming. Distaste for the negative in life.

*Thank you for asking wagonized.
**To the Dude… if you happen to be reading this, it was a lot of fun! *hug*
***I had no idea what addled meant Robert. Honestly, I was confused.

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