Monthly Archives: March 2007

The design of an imagined life becoming real – I need to pinch myself daily

I began a design project earlier this month for Scott Wallick. His wife Binita is a court reporter and I am designing and illustrating a logo and business card for her. Thus far our contact has been via email only. We have never met in person nor have we spoke on the phone.

Initially I had contacted Scott, who is the designer of the Barthelme Theme, in use on this blog. I was looking to barter artwork for coding work. We emailed back and forth a few times and he asked if I would be interested to do some design work. I said yes. And thus this leads me to today.

jessica_doyle_untitledSM.jpgWhether by stroke of luck or genius I am working this month in my chosen trade(s). I have had to pinch myself and sit quietly inhaling and exhaling preventing onsets of many an anxiety attack. What does this have to do with Scott? Well, simply put working in the design industry has in the past lead me to using drugs to get my work done on time. I am not using drugs this time. My brain is thoroughly being challenged right now to keep moving forward without regret of what happened in the past.

Much of the work I do in my life is not payed work. That is tricky. One needs money to survive. My non-paying gigs are as important to me as my paying gigs. This also causes internal stress of meeting deadlines and of meeting my rent due date for my apartment rental.

March has been a month of ideas, compromises, admitting I was wrong and above all else trusting that I am OK as human being and deserve good things in my life. It is easy, very easy, for me to retreat to my bubble when good things happen i.e. a new design client, MailArt, Astronutrition, pillow fight, dogs, cats, friends, new friends and old friends. I surround myself with that bubble for protection. The thing I haven’t grasped yet, is why I need to go in there when the good things happen and why when the bad things happen I want them worse. And why my emotions are so intense that I am not able to see beyond anything else but the emotion being experienced, itself. I cannot move from one project to next quickly until I am finished with the first.

Last night I cared for two sick people. It drained me not in a bad way but in the way that I don’t prioritize jobs over people. I prepared and then cooked a tomato chicken stew. Rene, a friend in my building came for supper last night as every Tuesday she does. She brings food from the food bank she cannot cook herself and I throw in some food I have and I cook a meal for us and pack enough for her so she can eat the next day also. She has serious ongoing mental health issues and is in the care of the government. Another friend is also ill at the moment. Very ill actually with the flu. He had been throwing up, has a fever and has been sick now for over a week. I brought him some meds the other night and last night packed up a fresh jar of stew to bring down to him. Boy, he is ill and you know what he was able to keep the homemade stew down without throwing it up. That made me so happy.

Yesterday, I mailed off MailArt five days late. I am running behind with Scott’s design. I am also working on making amends with people for things that I did or did not do over the past years…? I thought I would be healed by now from addiction. I am realizing that that is not so.

Today, my life feels very precious to me. Yesterday, three people told me I was very kind and am the first person to care about them in a long long time. There was a man I met on the street while walking to the post office. We had smiled and said hi and then had kept walking in opposite directions. We both turned around to check each other out at the same time and had a great laugh and then continued on our separate paths. Walking out of the post office I saw the dude looking in every store down the street. I yelled “dude!”. He turned and was walking, holding a piece of paper and handed it to me. He said I have missed too many opportunities to not have come back to find you. We hugged and it was nice. We’ll be going for coffee some day soon.

Late last night I sat staring at the computer and didn’t know where to start. I began to panic. I turned in for bed. I cried myself to sleep. First time a long time. Not because I was sad but because I know I am on the right path. I also got wind that my ex-boyfriend is alive and well in Thailand, from my friend Tomoko, Ian and Kai. And I love him and miss him so much.

What really broke me down today and caused the writing of this post, is someone called and bought one of my paintings. I sold a painting. There was no haggling, he offered to pay the full price I wanted for it. I am so grateful to be alive right now. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to know that how I am choosing to live my life is ok and that is pays to be kind, honest and transparent.

I don’t want to jinx myself by talking about good things. This scares me to talk about the good things. But without them I wouldn’t exist so I will continue living this way. This Blog and all of you really do keep me alive, healthy and doing what I love to do best, create with emotion.

*image credit – This is the painting that I sold today. Price sold for is $1250 Canadian over four months. Then he gets the painting.

Jeese you need to take a step

Jeese, you need to take a step back to step forward. Never stop walking. Never stop guessing. Never stop trying when all else has failed. Still, don’t you believe in redemption. Who knows maybe even kindness exists in your heart.

Jeese adjusted below

Jeese, you need to take a step forward to step back. Always stop walking. Always stop guessing. Always stop trying when all else has worked. Still, don’t you believe in redemption. Who knows maybe even kindness exists in your brain.

MailArt-001 is being mailed today

MailArt - Front of envelope

This is the front side of envelope with magical penny and a little tiny dude, who arms are wobbling under the weight of his daydream, sitting in a collapsed chair.

Mailart - Back

This is the back side of the envelope with cheerful springtime flower.

I am mailing this art stuffed envelope today to Rodrigo.

Here is the sneak peak of the art stuffed inside.

A pillow fight became me – How to get free bread and why you should skim those bulk emails from friends

And the feathers puffed out, floating about us.
Laughing inhaling we reacted with another soft thud.


Scroll down for vid. I am the one cirlced in yellow. I did not hit the cameraman with my pillow I hope. Beyond Robson has published World Wide Pillow Fight Club 2.0 – fluffier and more poofy. Peter lists the finer details, including the rules I don’t list in this post, if you might be interested in attending next year’s pillow fight.

I found the video of the cameraman I almost knocked over. If you listen closely to the video above, someone yells “Don’t hit the cameraman!”. I laugh and say “Where is the cameraman?”. He tapped me on the shoulder. He was directly behind me. I couldn’t stop laughing. I am circled in yellow on the video screen capture to the left. :)

How I came to be at that pillow fight.

Four evenings ago I attended The Crystal Method DJ set at the Commadore Ballroom, put on by Bacardy. That night Darren asked Junko and I to attend a surprise in front of the VAG taking place on Saturday March 27th. I have been laughing more lately. It was a great time to reminisce with Junko and Darren about our past journeys to the underground, above ground.

I had been emailed a link within a bulk email from a friend at 3:30am three weeks earlier. I peeked at messenger. Nobody was alive except for a few. I messaged every one of them.

Get tickets for free to see The Crystal Method right Now.

Darren responded and together we got three tickets.

By mid-morning it had sold out.

We ate sushi before the concert. Oh how I have missed sushi. I can’t believe I miss sushi. I am Canadian and I miss sushi. I’ve been doing the buy bulk and cook two or three days per week and refrigerate then freeze and serve when needed routine. Eating out is a luxury. Damn it tasted good.

And then the sun came out later in the evening.

Upon arriving home from the afternoon’s World Pillow Fight Club 2.0 Joy, myself, Soren and Curtis went to Lynn Valley with Roxy and Brodey. I was angry. I wanted to go to Granville Island to get free bread. This was the first time Joy and I have actually argued. So funny now. After arriving to the Canyon any lingering rain anger disapated as the sun came out while we were driving (I was in a car. OMG. My eco-footprint is ruined) across a to-remain-nameless bridge to North Vancouver.

The Lynn Valley Canyon is a little rain forest. Why I am writing like I am in Grade 7.

The Lynn Valley Canyon renowned for it’s quaint rain forest beauty. Focus gone. Thought stopped. Rewind.

Last free thing before I turn into bed. I got a shit load of Bread. We got a lot of bread after leaving the Canyon. Artisan loaves. Free. Granville Island. We gathered enough to feed five people for about 10 days each. Nothing wrong with the loaves.

Divergent illuminating things you should read and watch.

Womyn by Dale Mugford on Matthew Good This poignant article Dale wrote is a must read for both men and women. In it he writes of having a heated conversation about womyn with a cab driver, while on his way to his physical therapy appointment. Later he points you to statistics from Canada and the World on womyn who have or are in abusive relationships of some kind.

Howard Bloom Video; also, John Mackey’s New Paradigm for Business by Jecklin on Got a shot of inner fuel.

Banned Boobies by Cass King on Womyns’Ware

Word travels fast on the internet as it is timeless. Image and word are just that; a way to express yourself by communicating your thoughts, perceptions, ideas and foremost; your own personal experience while living on this planet.

When I write online I forget that I sit alone in front of a computer screen, tapping keys interacting with a digital organism; a non-human that will in turn, become part of your life experience. Isn’t it grand to have the power to choose, to click away or purposely ad your views. Through doing this, we all empower ourselves with knowledge.

All you are reading are words formed using pixels; a choice of personal reflection upon a time that happened once upon a time.

Continue reading

How your eco-footrpint is connected to sugar – your emotion and brain.

When your thoughts are controlled by substances that are short term acting… that is, the effects do not fade gradually and are short lasting, you’ll want more all the time. You will need to buy more all the time. It is a commodity. It is renewable at the cost of your mental health.

Ducks in the city - EastVanEsica 2007 ©Transitioning from one life experience to another can be among one of the strangest things I face every day. In the center of this transition lies the balance of one emotion to another. Contained within that is that little spark of thought. That thought needs to decide one way or the other every second we are alive on earth.

Getting stuck in the emotion can cause numbness, a state of non-being. Much of my waking hours I am in there, either moving faster than the central line or crawling a bit behind. Emotions come on intensely. They come in banging and knocking every second. They seem to be fighting with each other. Love, hate, happy, sad, fear and excitement. There are those brief instances of when the opposing emotion cuts the other out of existence. Subtle inside the brain is the change but outwardly I am awash with another emotion yet experiencing the same thing. A word from another, a sound… ok that’s it, sound. Visuals also. And there are those times when I walk the line. I cannot separate myself from my work when I am not at work. Nor can I separate my life from my work. I believe the two need to co-exist. Ever notice how animals take shelter from rain. We humans need to do that to.

The Go list.

  1. draw.
  2. write.
  3. ?
  4. eat.
  5. brush teeth – personal hygiene.
  6. garden.
  7. intimacy.
  8. work – i.e. see #1 and #2.
  9. cigarettes
  10. Pepsi

Pepsi is about to fall off the list. White Sugar withdrawal is not for the faint of heart. Good Gawd! I began drinking slightly more Pepsi this week. Geebisssss. Not functioning efficiently. White sugar should be eliminated from whence it was incarnated. Sugar. These little insane white tiny grains, particles of lust verses lethargy will die in shame. Wow. I am also refraining from buying any products containing aspartame. Holy headaches I used to have – just from chewing a piece of gum. I don’t buy gum ever.

I began taking pacific salmon oil capsules 7 weeks ago. I am noticing a big difference. I am taking calcium and vitamin D. I think those things are overpowering my need for constant mental focus or adjustment. Sugar fucks with your emotions to a degree I didn’t realize until recently.

When things become too good I can’t believe it. When things become bad I want them badder. I don’t want to label these things into another grouping of words that ultimately I’ll research until I’m blue, hysterical or quietly cursing.

The good the bad and the ugly.

The good.
Is really not what I want to write about.

The good is my eco-footprint is down from 4.3 planets to 2.4 planets for living in Canada as one of it’s poorest citizens. Amusing eh? I couldn’t help but laugh at this. I had ticked off almost the lowest possible choice in every category next to the none choice.

People living on the street in Canada are most likely to get the lowest eco-footprint score I’m guessing. Ever wonder why it is, that people’s emotions begin overtaking and consuming their body? It’s because of this! I feel sick that I can’t live using only 1 earth. It’s possible though. And it isn’t only the governments responsibility, it is our own. I think a lot of this is partly due to money and the way people use it, spend it and give it to large corporations.

Things I have changed and am progressing towards the switchover amidst “train of thought”.

  1. Choosing to not purchase Brand Name.
  2. Choosing to barter and trade skills for another’s services, product or money on occasion. I log a record. I am not evading taxes.
  3. Working from home

This is exciting. This is mental freedom for me from media and advertising buy non-human entities. And it feels good. I am not breaking the law. I choose not to drive or own a car. I walk. I ride public transit less than 10 Kilometers a week. My air travel time per year is an average 10km per year. I buy 25% processed food, eat meat once or twice per week and am generally healthy physically. Cutting down the processed food was more difficult than all others. And if you own clothes that ARE a little small for you consider loosing that weight a brand name put on you. A “brand name”. I hate pepsi as much as I love it. The same for GHB and cigarettes. I hate GHB because it made me who I could be. The effect was mesmerizing as my I became myself. I was in sinc with everything around me. I functioned with all the nine to fiver’s efficiently. This is no fucking joke. I could work my ass off. But it killed me.

All these things need money to buy. All of them. Money I will not spend to make myself a crazy emotional mushroom cloud. Boom – happy. Boom sad. Boom! retarded. Boom! illiterate. Boom! How can white sugar be legal and above that not taxed appropriately. I find sugar worse getting off than GHB. Different yet close. There is a link to sugar and sedatives. There has to be. And a link between sedatives and cigarettes.

What do you get when two artists collaborate?

As of this writing, Collaboration NOW has already begun. Rodrigo Pradel and I, Jessica Doyle will be mailing each other an envelope stuffed with art, of our own creation to the other, to further recreate and elaborate upon. We will be using the tools of our choosing, in each, our own respective mediums.

The end result will be X number of collaborative paintings, drawings and inkings for auction and sale online and in art spaces spread on terrestrial ground.

The Sneak Peek with magical penny for scale purposes only.

Rodrigo has not yet seen these inkings. They are new. Very new. Not yet to mailing stage new..

Following, from a total of five are three inkings. This series is titled The moral of the story:

Mother Goose is Loose (sneak peek) - Jessica Doyle - 2007

Whistling while sweeping eggs (sneak peek) - Jessica Doyle - 2007

Learning to Swim (sneak peek) - Jessica Doyle - 2007

And the other artists I’m hittin’ up are Fance of Wagonized, The Pastorof The Naked Pastor, Robert Bruce of Knife.Gun.Pen., and Candy Minx of The Gnostic Minx.

I am currently collaborating with Darren Lee of Deezone. Expect some sound and an animation short from this collaboration.

Note to Dee (zone) – the bathroom panels are on my drafting table as of this post being published. *muah*
Note to everyone – this post marks the beginning of Collaborate NOW, a new category, on Expect Updates following an asymmetrical regularity pattern for publish dates. It is the creative way.

Rain – 21.03.2007

Sun - EastVanEsica - 2007 - Gel pen on acid free black paper.Oh how I wish for the rain to cease. Why not rain, one day like crazy. Thunderclaps and lightening. Throw it down anyway you wish. Then, let us see the sunshine for a full two days. :) Two days, maybe three? OMG could you imagine if the sun came out for three days in a row?

This grey (gray) is messing with me. It is the same grey (gray) day in day out. Grey. How many shades of grey (gray) exist? Perhaps millions? A quadrillion!

In Vancouver we get one shade of grey (gray) and it is called rain. Rain, rain and more rain.

The sun breeched cloud cover two days ago though. So bright. So cheery. Then it went away. And won’t be back again, for another four days. rain. Rain. RAIN! Go away. Come again some other day.

Related – Rain from 15.11.2006.