I may not be online at all over the next couple of days

Edit – I will be online – the world is not my slut. Thanks Jecklin.
The shit has hit the fan and is flying out of control. This weekend was the last straw. I cannot live in this atmosphere. I cannot work with all the noise. I cannot listen to the drug talk. I cannot! I am fast becoming the person I do not want to be. I can’t live this way. I am making some very difficult decisions over the next couple of days and I am feeling scared because the good things in my life have had to take a back seat while I am coping with reality offline and seeing things for what they really are in my life. I can’t stand the TV on. I can’t stand the stomping and doors slamming. I am a prisoner in my own home.

Please say a prayer for me.

These are the good things. The following are clear and honest in my mind.
I will continue Blogging.
I will continue freelancing as a designer.
I will paint and draw.
I will complete all the work I have said I would do.
I plan to continue gardening.
I plan to keep my apartment in Vancouver.
And I plan to make enough money to do it by myself.

I am so tired of this you guys. I am so tired of the drama that is in my life.

It is not often that I will ask for help. Please send good strong thoughts my way. I need courage right now more than ever to speak firmly, honestly and remain calm while doing so. I will not continue to jeopardize my mental health and secondly my financial well being any longer.

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9 thoughts on “I may not be online at all over the next couple of days

  1. I’ll make some Reiki-time for you tonight and also tomorrow morning. 9pm tonight. 9am tomorrow morning. Pacific. About 15minutes. I know it might sound strange, but I’ve become a schedule kinda guy.

    You’re strong. You’ll be fine.

  2. Jecklin – Thank you.

    All my gut says is that something is wrong. Drugs or suicide won’t fix this. As much as I want them to fix it, I know, neither will. And the knowing of that makes me so sad. Something that worked for so long, won’t anymore. 20 years of using substances.

    Many people during my lifetime have tried to fix me. And truth is, I wanted them to fix me. I don’t think I ever needed fixing. I needed encouragement. Drugs gave me that. This has nothing to do with my personal family. I am talking about society, about education, about teachers in relation to what I learned which shaped my ways of thinking. They are what broke me. They helped in nurturing it along. Not all of it was mental but a lot of it was backwards and falling down.

    I came online to learn and grow and share. I have met truly great people here and there and everywhere. I love public conversation, art creation and writing. That is not an addiction. That is a passion, right? and it is my job.

    I bought a lottery ticket tonight. And it looks like I am also online as opposed to the title of this post.

    My roommate is moving out tomorrow. :(

    All you people who believe in me online and offline – I believe in you too. Thank you for sending me good thoughts and strength.

  3. Hugs Jessica, you’re going to be in my prayers and thoughts from now on, you can get through this and alot more, your strength is reflected in your words…don’t stop believing in the most powerful person you know, YOU.

    Z

  4. my pastor from back home…david hayward aka naked pastor….i saw you linked to his website and came here and realized you live in vancouver. sweet !!! so do i!!

  5. Techz – thank you. *hug* Techz I am doing my best. I am just now realizing that the blur between online and offline when you are a blogger is closing. I have real friends online as I do offline. And you all are giving me strength and I feel it or I wouldn’t be writing words right now.

  6. You’ll make out alright.

    Write things on your list that you know you can cross off, the accomplished feeling helps a lot.

  7. Jessica, you are definitely on my thoughts this week. I’m so sorry things are rough, continue to be rough. I learned during my recent bout of near-suicidal depression that even when I felt I had no support, there were friends if I just put my pain out there and somehow the support appeared. I hope, even if it is just to think good things for you, that you’ll find this note of support (and me) helpful.

  8. candice – I like “Write things on your list that you know you can cross off…”. That seems to be one goal I can do. Thanks for the suggestion. I am doing alright today.

  9. J.tony – went to see you on your blog. Gald to see you made it through your bout of depression. I believe spring’s arrival is he;ping people to grow new leaves and draw strength from eachother. Your note of support means everything to me. It’s ok to take comfort in another’s struggles I believe. It is what makes us human.

    And thank you everyone for you kind words and support.

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