Mindfulness and reaction time

I want to control my own mind.

Think about that sentence.

Before the addiction there was anxiety. The addiction came after. What does this mean? I am nearing 18 months of sobriety from GHB addiction. Is this important to write out; to meander upon and discuss with oneself? Thinking it out does NOT work for me. I need to be executing. After reading (edit – I’ll add the links for this after I eat supper)

At 19 months an addiction lost feels like this:

It feels like a close realistic dream. I remember that person. I think about her. It seems real beyond conscious recognition. I have been fighting this lately. When things become good. fear evades and scrambles the viewfinder. I am that person and not that person. The past to present only through memory. It’s all in the mind you know. And it really is. The pulls-sets up for speeding up your emotions. Heightening reaction. Is this how normal people feel? Are your emotions that strong? I am dead serious. Because I cannot remember being this insane; an insanity of the brain. A stain that just won’t wash out.

To combat addiction do this

I have begun actively exercising. The weather is warm. Walking is good.

I walked 10K this past weekend. Sun was-soo good.

I fit into my clothes again without purchasing new clothes to compensate for my weight gain during last year. Goal achieved. Guesstimated savings – 200 per month. I don’t remember when the last time was that I purchased clothing from a retailer of new apparel.

At 29 I began only purchasing new clothing that was wear proof, that is; would last a longer amount of time and not fall apart at the seams or have any buttons fall off during the first year of ownership. I like clothing. You can purchase clothing that outlives trend, reaching classic style.

I, am my mind.
You, are your mind.
My mind to your mind.

mindfulness?

or

mind-melding?

Weird things happen to addicts. Even weirder things happen to normal people so it seems.

Reflection upon those things won’t kill you either. I nearly killed myself using GHB. I wanted to kill the person I became. Addiction isn’t pretty and it isn’t fun. Getting there was damn fun. Once there in the midst of it all you’ll say good bye to your whole life and become the drug you sought after all. The drug isn’t you. But you can be the drug. I used drugs or alcohol for 18 years because it worked. It worked so damn well I became it. Damn that makes me angry. I don’t know who that person is and she recorded it as I do today. It is really the only way to come to a conclusion of any kind pertaining to one’s psyche and two, self.

To be a human being, is to be one.

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5 thoughts on “Mindfulness and reaction time

  1. This is a thoughtful piece. I identify with that thought process- I am 23 months into my recovery and looking back at that person. This is a timely read for me. Thanks.

  2. I’m glad you took something from it Sandy. Hope you are doing better everyday! And thank you for reading :)

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