967 days later…

Memories accumulate over time interlacing overlapping each other causing fog to form at the base of one’s understanding. We see people in passing who at one time understood us; perhaps even loved us and whom we used to love to. They dwell between the nether regions of our souls; a place dark perhaps distraught from years of neglect and solitude.

When you see what it really is
that is what you’ll “get”
Got it?

I don’t know why I saw her tonight. I don’t know why she was there dancing. I couldn’t understand the memories that surged yet understood why and how they became.

We ingested copious amounts of drugs together. We partied days at a time. Not hours. Nor evenings. Days. 72 hours? 3 days turned into weeks for me. Months. Years. Passed.

It broke tonight. The craving for intoxication. Annihilation. Emptiness. I saw her and all that was is. All that will be was forgotten.

Nine hundred and sixty seven days later I remain sober of GHB.

Fuck, the last two weeks became stupendously hard for me and I don’t know why. It was all I could do but work, draw, write, sleep, not sleep, be, not be, freak silently while the cravings raced over me, through me and around me. How can this be? How!!! Talking to someone here in this freaking city is irrelevant. People here in this small town have no clue. NONE.

So, I will talk to you. You who will not judge, nor react. You who will accept. You the unknown, the present tense of life.

It melted away tonight. As quickly as it hit, two weeks later it melted, evaporated. It’s been a long long time since I’ve craved like this. Maybe the longest it has ever lasted since I quit. The whole of the month of April, 2008 has nearly strangled me with… the words just don’t exist to continue writing right now.

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15 thoughts on “967 days later…

  1. I am so sorry to hear the last month has been so difficult for you. I have never experienced anything close to that. I am so glad to hear that you have come through it, and hope that you find some way of rewarding yourself, or acknowledging that you have had another victory.

  2. I wish I had been feeling better and was able to stay with you last night. Like colorfuldayz has said I have never experienced any thing remotely close to what you have been going through. All I can do is simply be a friend. I certainly have a better understanding why seeing and old friend got a comment. We’ll have to hang together again soon.

  3. Hey Jessica, keep strong. When you are in the bad patches, know that it can only get better. Sending you good thoughts via telepathy.

  4. We’re still here for you… hope things get better this month.

    I know about memories and what they can bring up – I ran into an ex-gf a few years after we had broken up and spend weeks thinking about her – took me a long time to get over that. Eventually I did..

    I know addiction is different though..

    hang in there –
    m

  5. Colorfuldayz – You know how things climax and then a calm surrounds one’s air. That is what happened. I’m grateful to know the difference now and must remember to do a day count every now and then. The last day count I did was in August 2007.

    The reward is I’m alive and enjoying another Spring :)

  6. Brian – I’m glad you are feeling better today. That makes two of us. The woman and I chatted for a bit and that was it. It was one of those anomolies of life that seem to have the sole purpose of closure.

  7. Matt – the simple act of writing it out lifted the burden off my shoulders.

    I’ve had those ex bf’s find me on facebook. Love that block tool they have.

  8. best wishes to you Jessica. hopefully may will be a month that we both thrive and grow like the flowers out. i still wonder if someday the idea posed in Eternal Sunshine might be put put by a pharmaceutical company.
    here’s to creative catharsis.

  9. I can’t imagine what it is like for you because I’ve never had an addiction… but I have seen those who have had and I have attended their funerals.
    For every weak moment we emerge stronger. When you get to be my age (45) you start to look back and wonder where the hell life went. It slips away so fast. So does the memory of old boyfriends!

  10. There are times in life when it is so dark and hard. And things seem to be as bad as they could possibly get, and yet you can’t see how or if an outcome might prevail that is not worse then the present.

    And in those times of doubt, just think that one day, in the not to distant future, you could be randomly surfing the net and find a stunningly brilliant collection of thoughts, ideas and art, presented digitally to the world, by some crazy, and gloriously talented girl from Canada. And you will know that it’s not all bad.

    At least that has been my experience.

    I hope you start to feel better. And Thanks.

  11. Helen, this makes sense to me to quote you “For every weak moment we emerge stronger”. We certainly do.

    This made me laugh, “So does the memory of old boyfriends!”!!!

    I have been single for 18 months. Life is good at 34 years of age.

    Nice to meet you!!!

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