Life beyond Death after Indignity and before Google

Indignity can stem from not doing the things you want to do. You begin taking on someone else’s creation when you are not whom you are. Really, don’t you think that when you are feeling out of sorts and not choosing to be who you are then don’t you think it’s rather unbecoming of your personage you portray to the world. Why lie about who you are?

From time to time we all wonder why; that is, why we are the way we are. I have. I combat this thinking by doing.

I’m battling just that by creating art digitally rather than by traditional means by way of paper, paint and ink. I’ve been delving into photoshop breaking new ground, mixing up what I was taught long long ago in college. It feels very good to do what they said not to do.

Have you ever done that? Felt giddiness overtake you when you… fuck I just added giddYness to Google dictionary while trying to spell check it. Now, every time I spell check giddiness with a Y it will be spelled correctly. For that matter I won’t even know that I spelled it wrong for the little red dotted line that shows up underneath a word that needs to be spell checked won’t exist on giddyness anymore.

The thought of writing anonymously crosses my mind more than once every day. There is a an energetic side to me that needs to purge by way of words things often left better unsaid. Although, over the last couple of years I have had people write saying thank you for being so open and saying the things I could not say.

And I think… I haven’t said everything, all those things I want to say. Time will tell when they will be said.

I picked up the book 2012 on Friday and have begun reading.

I felt a kinship immediately Daniel Pinchbeck. However, my taught feminine psyche holds back and does not release this other side of me that I had found. Perhaps when need be, we do realize our authentic selves only through death. Up to that point we practice life. Beyond that point is after life. They call it death.

When my grandmother died she had said to my mom in the hospital that she was ready to go to heaven. I don’t believe in heaven. I believe in an after life. She was also talking her long dead husband and son saying she was on her way.

Words I’ve been pondering:

sex, love, family, success, money, life, death, orgasm, paint, fabricating, production, penis, indignity, trust, relationship, single, one, two, three, ignorance, bliss and lust

There is a ……………… part of me that still questions the validity my own digital art. I don’t know why or where I picked up the notion that manipulating a drawing of one’s own on a future date by means of computer from it’s original traditional creation on paper is wrong.

I.really.need.to.let.that.go.

Poof!

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19 thoughts on “Life beyond Death after Indignity and before Google

  1. I’ve just returned from drinking one glass of water to add links to this post. Upon re-reading it I decided not to add links. The thoughts are there and they can each be searched from within my blog for further understanding by using the search bar provided below… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. I would say that whatever you want to create is right – regardless of how you may have been taught – or what others want “art” to be…

    And the interrelationships between words is always thought provoking – I rather like the intersection between bliss and lust – opposing, but not – similar, but not…

    M

  3. just dropping in!
    beautiful header, great blog…this post really echoes something i wrote the other day.
    your art is wonderful!
    i know how it feels to over analyze. it’s strange how much of what we’re taught is really counter intuitive. we have to block those voices out.

  4. Matt – for a long time I thought it inappropriate to go back and work on drawings of my own from years ago, recreating them or adding color digitally. And last night it culminated into knowing that it is OK to pick up a drawing from 2004, scan it and add some color to it digitally.

    Some of these drawings I’ve been working on were drawn right before I became very ill and perhaps that is the deeper realization of my own limitations and fragilities that was indeed persisting my thoughts unconsciously these last few weeks.

    I have a print out from when I was in treatment in 2005/06; the word bliss is one of the highest states of being a human can attain via meditation.

  5. Hi akula – We seem to have to unlearn many things as we grow or we will stop evolving into higher states of awareness.

    When I think about this I think about HollyWood and how many more times than one they recycle what was previously done. I go to a movie theater once per year and no more.

    Nice to meet you and thanks about my art :)

  6. The computer is but another tool for an artist to use. Yes, let go and do what you need and bollocks to everything else. Great post.

  7. Jessica,

    You are an excellent writer. I love reading your blog!

    Your digital work is fab and don’t even think about giving that up. The computer is a tool, albeit a newer tool. I’m sure early photographers felt the same sort of guilt.

    Cheers, Jen

  8. I may become very unpopular with these comments (wait, that would mean I was popular to begin with, dammit).

    There is nothing inherently wrong with using new mediums. It’s healthy to explore new things. Here are my two bits. Your regular pieces have a human touch. A realness if you will. The photoshop stuff loses some of that. Not that they are not good. Sea Urchin is very, very good. Some others I would chaulk up to a learning experience. Some of them have conflict issues. Example….Day Dreams (I know this isn’t what it’s called but it’s the blog title). The lines are so organic and the photoshop isn’t organic looking at all. Personally, I think the original pencil is a stronger piece. The Mushrooms are another one. They are detailed and simple (in a beautiful way). The colour takes away from them and dominates the space. Maybe, again my opinion only, the pieces that are totally photoshoped or totally by your human hands work best instead of mixing them.

    From what I have seen of your work, here, etsy, and flickr, your best work is acrylic on large canvas/board. “In Search of” and “Self Portrait” are fantastic. They come from a different place than your current work. I feel comfortable saying this because I can see the same thing in my work also. I don’t know if this makes sense or not. It certainly isn’t meant to be negative.

    As an aside, maybe you should have a limit on the words someone can add here to keep people like me at bay. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    peace

  9. I remember being told, “heaven is what you believe it is”..I can tell you this..Hospice could tell you stories about dying people and who they see.
    Very interesting..My father told me his father was coming for him..at first I was frightened, but at peace when I thought about it..Nice thought..someone you love waiting for you to cross over..

  10. Jen – I’ve been using a mac since 1994 mainly to create commissioned work or in design and layout for magazines, brochures etc… Using it to create my own work is beginning to feel freeing of, what used to be.

    I guess I could call it Catholic Computer Guilt or CCG :) haha!

  11. ROTFLMAO! haha Matt!

    It is love isn’t… it…

    I’d love more if I had a MacBook. My poor Powerbook is going on 5 years old. It’s a hard worker.

  12. hfedd – when I own my own home (later this year or early next) and have my own space again I’ll be looking forward to painting large. For now I am sequestered in a small 12×12 foot room that needs to house both my studio and bedroom not too mention computer equipment, art supplies, packaging materials for shipping, clothing etc.

    …and never any limit on what someone can write in my blog comments. You are more than welcome to comment away! I like reading them :)

  13. Got to love the mac!

    Both the post and the comments have been interesting to read… There are times when I have been glad that I haven’t had a lot of formal training and others when I wish I did. The training would have given me a skill set that I may not be able to figure out on my own.

    As for going back to older work, hell when are we ever fully happy with a piece? I know a bunch of my paintings I look at and see things I want to change. Some because I think there are errors and others because I have a different take on the subject now. My work is changing… my view on life is changing. Looking back at my old pieces, I know I would not create them the same. Some I don’t think I would do at all.

  14. Brian – your comment was a refreshing read. Over time i realized that I wanted immediate satisfaction from my art… taking days, even weeks to create something was frustrating for me.

    As of right now I sit on let’s say 12 years worth of art work all at varying stages of completion. I say 12 years because 12 years ago i graduated from college and began working professionally then. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with it all and other times I know exactly what to do.

    And to quote you:

    Some I donโ€™t think I would do at all.

    I HEAR YA!

    Life has a way of adapting to our art. Or should that read:

    One’s art is an adaption of life.

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