Monthly Archives: May 2009

Whilst driving home on Saturday night I hit this stillness of noise

Let me elaborate:

The roads in Saint John are not for the faint of heart. They are twisting, potted, patched and pitted with most yellow and white lines missing or faded beyond recognition. Decades of shaded grey tar and layered pavement speckle the streets, avenues and thruways of this industrial seaside city. If you are not familiar from whence you are going you will get lost or in the least damage your car during your trek.

One learns quickly and avidly takes delight in swerving into oncoming traffic so as to not hit a monstrous gaping hole in the road and becomes adept in the management of not looking ahead to far while driving which in turn circumvents everything one was taught when learning to drive as a teenager.

I can remember the driving instructor saying “Jessica, look ahead 3 telephone poles and follow at least a car length behind the vehicle in front of you for every 10KM of speed you are travelling.”

LOOK.

At 11:00PM on Saturday night I was driving home on the twisting winding Old Red Head road after deciding not to take the new, improved, speedy highway as the old road is vintage and just plain to damn cool to not drive upon when I hit this patch of blazing black freshly paved surface. No bumps. No more swerving. No more orange pylons marking where the road had washed out or deteriorated. I slowed right down to 20 clicks. I smiled deeply looking at the moon upwards in the sky and staring at the glittering sea to the left and with the looming gigantic science fiction inspiring Irving oil refinery in front of me… Wow! Inspiration. Juxtaposition. SILENCE.

Brain on Overload

I almost wanted to pull over and just listen to it all. It was so quiet on that road that night. As quickly as it began it was stolen again and I resumed the road war to get home along Bayside Drive. Holy shit that road is in rough shape.

On a side note:
I’m 14 days smoke free today!
I get the keys to my new house on Thursday!
I was visiting my good friends Lisa and Jillian that Saturday night!
And I’ve been gardening!

OLDisNEW Thursday – Circa 1900 Folding Metal Corkscrew

Just a quickie antique corkscrew for this week’s OLDisNEW feature…

This corkscrew is solid metal and clicks into place when fully opened.

Opened Size – 4 1/2 inches /// 11,5cm
Closed Size – 2 3/4 inches /// 7cm

And this folding metal corkscrew made the front page of Etsy a few weeks ago! You can view alternative pics of it in the listing.

OLDisNEW antique circa 1900 folding metal corkscrew on the front page of Etsy

The Physical Withdrawal VS the Mental Withdrawal

There are no words to describe how I’m feeling these last few days. The physical withdrawal from nicotine was easy. The mental withdrawal is not so easy.

I’m feeling drawn to use substitutes and am not eating enough. Oddly when most people quit smoking they begin eating more. I’m the opposite. I try to control something, e.v.e.r.y.thing…

The first few days I had this low grade anxiety which was tolerable. It’s turned into a massive tight chested fight for my dignity. My concentration is nil. Nada! I really don’t know where to turn. My ADD is rearing it’s ugly head badly and I’m depressed and anxious and tired of reading that it will pass and to do something else instead. I’m sleeping more than I’m awake right now.

And I never did seek treatment after being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This diagnosis was the final one as the GAD, PTSD, Addiction and OCD are all but symptoms of ADD in adult women. How’s that for a mouthful. And most of us aren’t diagnosed until our mid-thirties.

I have an appointment to see a councilor (not free) on Friday and I’m going to make an appointment with my family doc (free) and call West (not free) to get my medical files sent (not free) here.

And really, this struggle is ongoing for me. Most days are good but the last few months have been hard. And yes, I did buy a house but it’s a rent to own agreement. I’m not rich folks… my income is small. I just go without and I don’t know anymore what the reason is that I quit smoking. I regret it because it’s turned all the little molehills into mountains within my mind.

I’ve re-read that book “Easy Way to Quit Smoking” 5 times? It is super easy to quit but not for someone with Mental Health issues.

I feel like my brain is missing it’s jolt. ZAPP… now you can concentrate for an hour uninterrupted. Go be a productive human being Ms. Jessica Doyle.

I must be one of the few people who actually loves to smoke. Frack!

Secret #5 – Stop Smoking

Twenty years have come and gone since I picked up my first cigarette and smoked it. I like it you know.
the taste the feel, the way it filled my lungs and how it circled upwards twirling into the air once exhaled. It has always visually entranced me…

About three years ago I stopped smoking indoors. Yes, the amount I smoked decreased somewhat but that’s not the fucking point. And yes,
I’m somewhat grumpy
somewhat heaving
somewhat lazy and mourning
and saying good bye to a companion whose been by my side
for two
decades

The fallacy of smoking is that it’s wonderful for a person like me who moves from one extreme to another… the harder it is to do something the more I’ll find a way to continue doing it
braving sub-zero temperatures…

72 hours ago I put out my last cigarette.

And for all you Etsy sellers and yes this is on my mind you demonizing little forum writers… not all smokers, smoke inside and not all smokers touch their artwork with smokey hands. I am/was diligent with washing my hands and keeping myself clean.

And maybe I’m lashing out right now. It’s been so quiet. All I want to do is cry but all that does is make me sad and want to curl up into a little ball and sleep. My focus sucks. My creative energy has all but gone into the fog that’s rolling in from the bay outside. My chest feels heavy and I know it’s only because for once I’m getting adequate amounts of oxygen into my lungs. But you know what I want that vile cigarette.

I bought a house this week! Happy! but here I am crying like a baby about a cigarette. Why today is it bugging me so much!

I quit in 1997 for 13 months after my appendix ruptured and was literally rotting inside me. I had morphine to cope with withdrawal so smoking didn’t really matter when I could pump drugs directly into my blood stream.

I quit in 2003 for 19 months using Zyban. Mmm what to say about that except Zyban mentally can mess with your psyche pretty bad. Be for-warned.

I quit for 2 days in 2006. On the third day the DEA raided my office in Vancouver, BC, Canada. Yeah, so I relapsed and began smoking again. Fuck that I said. I want my crutch and I want it now. Those men have rifles pointed at me and there arresting my friends.

so here we are in 2009.
72 hours into quitting and I’m honestly fine.
Are you reading between those lines?
I read a book called “Allen Carr’s EASY way to quit smoking”.
I think it slightly hypnotized me. Needless to say I’m damn lonely right now.
NOT one of my closest girlfriends is a non-smoker.
THEY ALL SMOKE! 90% of the females aged 25 to 45 where I live, smoke.
And guess what!
The men don’t unless they are aged 45 to 65.
WTF?

I’ll tell you though… physical withdrawal from nicotine is NOTHING! It’s a wee little blip in time. It can’t even kill you.

It’s nothing compared to the wee seizures, bone chilling shaking extremities, skin eruptions, low blood pressure, hallucinations and psychosis from GHB withdrawal that can actually kill you dead.

OLSisNEW Thursday – 1927-1932 Westclox Baby Ben De Luxe – Tick Tock

This manual wind up alarm clock was manufactured by the Western Clock Company between 1927-1932. It was manufactured in Petersborough, Canada and sadly very little is known about the Canadian Westclox factory.

Westclox Baby Ben De Luxe specs:

  • Height: 3 1/8 inches
  • Width (base): 3 1/16 inches
  • Dial minute track diameter: 2 1/16 inches
  • Weight: 12 ounces
  • Polished Nickel Finish

The front of the clock face has darkened considerably. Other than that it works good, ticks and the alarm does ring when set. It had belonged to my Great Uncle George who passed away in the mid-eighties.

And If you enjoy reading about clocks, I contributed to a clock with history to Little sister Checking the Time on the Star of the East blog. Go and read this blog. It fabulous. Back in October 2008 I was commissioned by Esther and Estella to do some design work for them to.

The Baby Ben clock is listed in the shop!

Tick Tock!

OLDisNEW Thursday – Vintage Road Signs

I love old paper and have been known to take apart a book or two to get at certain sections contained within that book to use as an art supply in collage or to draw upon. There are 13 actual pages from the Civics and Government section printed in the first edition Readers Digest Great Encyclopaedic Dictionary printed in 1965.

These are NOT reproduction pages.

  • 5 7/8″ by 9″ or 14.8cm by 22.9cm
  • 13 full pages printed on both sides
  • Many illustrations
  • Civics and Government terms in alphabetical order with descriptions

You can find the Roads Signs paper in the shop.