The Physical Withdrawal VS the Mental Withdrawal

There are no words to describe how I’m feeling these last few days. The physical withdrawal from nicotine was easy. The mental withdrawal is not so easy.

I’m feeling drawn to use substitutes and am not eating enough. Oddly when most people quit smoking they begin eating more. I’m the opposite. I try to control something, e.v.e.r.y.thing…

The first few days I had this low grade anxiety which was tolerable. It’s turned into a massive tight chested fight for my dignity. My concentration is nil. Nada! I really don’t know where to turn. My ADD is rearing it’s ugly head badly and I’m depressed and anxious and tired of reading that it will pass and to do something else instead. I’m sleeping more than I’m awake right now.

And I never did seek treatment after being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This diagnosis was the final one as the GAD, PTSD, Addiction and OCD are all but symptoms of ADD in adult women. How’s that for a mouthful. And most of us aren’t diagnosed until our mid-thirties.

I have an appointment to see a councilor (not free) on Friday and I’m going to make an appointment with my family doc (free) and call West (not free) to get my medical files sent (not free) here.

And really, this struggle is ongoing for me. Most days are good but the last few months have been hard. And yes, I did buy a house but it’s a rent to own agreement. I’m not rich folks… my income is small. I just go without and I don’t know anymore what the reason is that I quit smoking. I regret it because it’s turned all the little molehills into mountains within my mind.

I’ve re-read that book “Easy Way to Quit Smoking” 5 times? It is super easy to quit but not for someone with Mental Health issues.

I feel like my brain is missing it’s jolt. ZAPP… now you can concentrate for an hour uninterrupted. Go be a productive human being Ms. Jessica Doyle.

I must be one of the few people who actually loves to smoke. Frack!

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14 thoughts on “The Physical Withdrawal VS the Mental Withdrawal”

  1. And the little image is from a site called QuitNet. You can punch in your info into their wizard and it’ll figure everything out for you.

    I’m crazy but I’m not that crazy you know… xoxo

  2. I don’t know what to say to you Jessica to help, really don’t. I am at a loss. I wish you had someone there for you who could at least try and distract you, or help you, love you.
    Have you tried hypno therapy, hypnotism, meditation?

  3. Hey Lorrie

    It’s the daytime hours that seem to be the worst. I could take it or leave it in the evening. I just woke up about 20 minutes ago and I’m feeling shakey and my chest is tight again.

    There are a few people in my life who support me in my decision and they are people who love me.

    I’ve got an appointment with a councilor on Friday. I’m hoping to be able to find a women’s support group to join of some sort just to have somewhere to go and talk openly. I knew where to go in Vancouver. I’ll learn where to go here to.

    I’m still smoke free but I’m not going to kick myself in the ass if I smoke. And i won’t kick myself in the ass if I don’t smoke. It’s a double edged sword. Writing helps a lot so I’ll just write and package some orders today for shipping out… and maybe work in the garden 😉

  4. You know, I’m going to be totally honest and tell you that I don’t think the nicotine cravings or the psychological cravings EVER go away…. completely. They just become less important. I knew someone who had quit smoking 20 years ago who told me she still gets cravings. And my grandfather quit in 1954 but he told me he still reaches for a cigarette in his shirt pocket sometimes. And I’ve heard similar stories from many people.

    In fact, I was just going through our hurricane supplies and found a baggie of about 20 nicorette pieces that I had so thoughtfully included in the hurricane supplies. And after two years, it was all I could do to walk outside and put them in the trash.

    Just thinking about nicotine right now makes my skin tingle – and that’s how cravings always manifested for me. And I liked smoking too, a lot, so when I think about having a cigarette in my hand, I want that feeling again.

    But now, cigarette smoke smells really, really bad to me (it never did when I was a smoker). So when I think about smoking a cigarette, ugh, I feel gross. That’s what keeps me from smoking. Plus there’s the nice feeling of not being chained to something – of actually being in control (I still think of myself as an addict, just one who’s winning out over my addiction).

    So, yes, it really does pass, for the most part, probably differently for everyone. But, this might sound a little weird, but I say, don’t try to distract yourself from the cravings. Just fall into them. Feel them, fully, and just ride them out. Because if they never go away, and maybe they do for some people, but consensus seems to be that most people still get cravings, you have to learn to live with them.

  5. Hang in there, Jessica…sometimes life is just plain hard. Writing and working in the garden sound like good options. I know I throw myself into writing, painting, and walking outside in nature when I find an obstacle I don’t think I can get through. It seems to help a lot.
    Sending strong and positive thoughts your way!

  6. Jessica you are my hero – because you are trying. I never smoked but I could drink diet Coke by the gallon and same for Cherry Kool aid-why I have no idea. I used to get awful PMS and though undiagnosed I am convinced I am ADD – my son is diagnosed with and suffers from alcoholism, smokes, chews tobacco, but if God we grant a miracle and rid him of all of that people would see he has one of the sweetness hearts/ I know. We humans are a quirky bunch : D

    Keep trying – it’s all we can do.

  7. I have tons of friends with ADD – there are lots of ways to cope and none of my friends have taken anything for it. some smoke some are just hyper. It’s a blessing not a curse.

    You just never learned to handle it without other substitutes – smoking, etc can be the thing you use instead.

  8. Though I have never been a smoker, I have been “addicted” and have felt that terrible anxiety and depression that comes along with quitting. I admire what you are doing and wish you all the best! Hang in …one minute at a time right?

  9. Weeding the garden can be a huge help….there is something about tearing the nasty buggers out that feels sooo good! I haven’t smoked in years but I remember. I live with someone who’s been smoke free for about ten months…I lost count of how many times he tried and I was put through living hell….I’m still not sure how we managed not to drive each other over the edge through it all. But…here we are ten months smoke free. His eyes’ sparkle again and his skin looks better…he’s just ever so much healthier (is that a word).
    ADD….have it….OCD….have it….I think all of us that have art in our heads have it. It’s what makes us so fascinating to all those math heads that don’t! You know…the ones that know how to read google analytics!
    Draw your butt off….pull weeds….go for walks….take up yoga! One day you’ll be putting your head down on your pillow at the end of a great day in your new home and realize….wow, I didn’t think about ‘it’ all day and you’ll fall asleep with a silly grin on your face. hugs to you, k

  10. your honesty is your best quality. i love you for that! hope this day is easier for you..

  11. I definitely can’t say that I can understand what you’re going through… but dammit, I am cheering you on and LOUDLY. I wonder how much of your energies can be redirected toward your artmaking? (Might make for some dark anxious stuff, which could be pretty dang cool!)

    The counter you have going is great — love that it keeps track of the money and years you’re saving. If you’re motivated by stats like me, this will be terrific incentive.

    Keep at it. I send you my most earnest clean-air vibes :)

  12. Ya know I was a smoker for about 14 yrs. Then I got pregnant and put them down without a second thought. I was smoke free for four years. Then one day when I was having an OMG I want a freaking smoke they were right next to me in my friends purse. So I picked it up and smoked it. Honestly, it didn’t taste to great. But the psychological fulfillment of having the cigarette in my hand and doing the motions of smoking was enough to keep me picking them up now and then. Until now and then turned into buying my own and smoking a pack a day again. So the cravings don’t go away completely, but your control over them will get stronger. You just have to walk away EVERYTIME you see them and want one. Don’t ever tell yourself, just one puff…because that is a lie, no matter how much you mean it at the time. It takes five years to really beat an addiction. If you can make it five years, you can make it the rest of your life. Five years isn’t much if you think about it. I know it seems like a monster right now, but you can do it. Just employ the help of family.

    Last week my husband walked up on me smoking and he said to me. So is this the one? The one what I asked. The one that causes you lung cancer. I said NO and looked at him crazy. He went on to say ” You should think about that. How many cigarettes does it take to get lung cancer. Every time you light a cigarette think, is this it?” I told him not to be an asshole and when on with my smoke. Then later when I went for a smoke I caught myself thinking over what he said. Every time I smoked I thought about what he freaking said. And well, I don’t want to die from lung cancer. Hell I don’t want to have to deal with having lung cancer. Screw that. And so on the third day I gave them up. That was five days ago today. I still get this odd sensation when I think about cigarettes though. It’s like losing a comforting blanket. But fear keeps me from going to the store and buying a pack.

    I believe everyone has their own personal angels. I’ve decided to ask mine for help not to smoke ever again. When I have a craving I immediately start talking to my angels. “Okay guys help a girl out right now, cause day-um!”

    I wish you the best! I love your work too! I’ll be checking back frequently.

  13. Hi Latonia! Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. Sadly, I am smoking again. And gladly, I will set another date to quit. It’s true that we all have different reasons for quitting and I hope that soon enough the right reason will hit me on the head and I’ll quit for good.

    I made 3.5 weeks without a cigarette.

    Thank you about my artwork :)

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