Wild ride and come down

Everyone gets days and sometimes weeks where everything is thrown around and life literally becomes a never ending roller coaster ride… This is one of those times unedited and without links…

The roller-coaster began last week with an Etsy convo that I sent to MaryMary about a video and then a phone call that my boyfriend’s father was in the hospital. I’ve never met his family. We’ve only been together for one month but it feels like four months.

I don’t even know what to write or how to say it. I feel love. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. I even shut down completely on Thursday night as did the man I’m dating. We’ve both been so overwhelmed for different reasons that it’s actually been a blessing in disguise to have found each other amidst the madness of our lives.

Such busyness presented itself last week that it was all I could do to keep up and respond, ignore, accept, dismiss and move onwards in hopes that the decisions I made panned out in a most fruitful productive way without loosing myself during the process.

I crashed hard on Thursday night. Actually shut down and felt nothingness, while a numbness ebbed into my being. I felt nothing for myself. Nothing for anyone and Jeff was feeling the same thing for different reasons that he was dealing with.

Falling in love during stressful periods of one’s life is never easy nor is it even normal. How is it possible that I can sit here smiling when just five minutes ago I was crying for the man who’s father is perhaps dieing tonight in the hospital. And this afternoon I attended a most joyous celebration; a jack and jill shower for my cousin who is getting married in two weeks time. I drove Jeff to the hospital tonight and met his mom. I sat in the family room and just drew silly stupid fish and flowers that didn’t make sense.

On Friday night I went out to celebrate my good fortune with one my tenants, Andrew and Jeff. We drank and were merry. I do drink on occasion mind you but do steer clear of drugs. And sometimes that makes me feel weird thinking that there is this video that was made that talks of being sober. I’m not sober all of the time. I am 100% sober off of drugs but do drink no more than someone who was never an addict. Some people who were addicts can drink and be normal users of alcohol.

I still do not know what to write and how to say it. Life is busy. My folks have been vacationing for a few weeks now and I’ve been looking after their commitments and showing apartments that they rent out and my brother just sold his house and moved into his girlfriends and he is storing all his stuff in my basement and garage until they build their new house and life is just so damned busy but exciting and happy at the same time that it was all I could do yesterday but sleep and sleep and sleep some more and be quiet within myself and surround myself with stillness.

And here it is 2:28AM on Sunday night which normally would be early for me but lately I’ve needed to be on a daytime schedule because everyone else is demanding it right now which really has affected my emotional well being but in a good, or bad way?

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

…and this is not a freak out. Do. NOT. take. this. as. a freak out and offer me your condolences.

On the contrary, this is me dealing with issues that we all face at some point or other during our lives. And there is an art show coming up and custom work that I need to finish.

Truth be told I just want to be having some sex and cuddling with my guy right now and not typing this but yet I keep typing.

Ha. ha.

If you follow my Twitter, Facebook and Buzz you’ll know what I’m talking about… 😉

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14 thoughts on “Wild ride and come down

  1. …and to add, the guy’s father is doing much better today :)

    …and I am calmer and more focused :)

  2. Oh yep I get it, this isn’t a poor you answer :).
    It is a common thing that life tosses us lots of craziness testing everything, and really showing us if we have figured out how to find a NEW normal, and to show us we do have the ability to just BE without anything else. No other substances to make us what we thought was numb, but actually it was adding something to the NOTHING feeling that us humans can experience.
    I am only an armchair therapist for sure, but from my own experience in life I can relate to the predicament you find yourself in here.
    Is there anything wrong with feeling nothing? I don’t think so. I think the nothing feeling is actually a pause. A pause necessary to process everything and put it in perspective.
    There still is ACTION in the act of INACTION. But of course it is the potential that is welled-up while the pause is happening. That potential “next moment” is really crucial.
    I am glad you accepted the pause. I hope you enjoy many more pauses and I will be waiting to see what “the next moment” has in store….

  3. I so admire your honesty girl! Sometimes its good just to get things out on paper (or the internet). Glad that there is a guy to love in the picture. You deserve it. All the best to you!

  4. LOL I saw “sex” in the keywords, and of course went reading for juicy bits. 😛
    I know what you’re feeling… everything tends to come in waves, and then life mellows out again. Sometimes, I wish I could coordinate these big events with people in advance; pull out ye olde desk calendar and say, “Nope, sorry bro, you can’t move this week… our parents are vacationing, and I just got 58 orders from my latest interview.” Just kidding, sorta.

    True love, on the other hand, is realizing all the cliches were just common sense. People say, “Follow your instincts, you just know” and they are right. :)
    I spent years forcing myself to “overcome” the “commitment-phobia” that caused me to ditch men when the first problems arose. I told myself that I was being immature, and that real relationships require work.
    But I was fooling myself, because healthy relationships don’t require constant work, just a tune-up or oil change every 30,000 miles.
    Once I found Joe, it clicked, because for the first time I felt comfortable with somebody, and there was no personality-clashing-drama. LOL

    So, basically, if you ever find yourself wondering “Is this love? Is this for real?” just ask yourself how you feel. :)

  5. Fantastic honesty! The reason I love and married my husband is because he has always been there to listen to my rants, ramblings and craziness whenever I need him. It is very healing to just be able to let it all poor out and then be done with it.

    P.S. Was exploring blogs of others who post to your blog and I am sad to say that Jennifer Mullin I believe has a virus. When I went to shut the internet window in which I was looking at her blog – a new window popped up for her blog and proceeded to open approx. 15 tabs. This happened until I had 5 windows with 15 tabs each.

  6. Many creative people tend to see things in black and white, with no shades of gray. And those are the passionate ones. I know many people who live there lives in constant shades of gray, unable to experience real passion. True, their feet may be a little more grounded at times, but what you have is real passion for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Hang in there. The only thing we all can do is live life moment by moment and lean on those that are there for you.

  7. You’ve got some fine “intestinal fortitude”, as they used to say when I would watch WWF wrestling…. lol… Seriously tho – Methinks you have passed the test…whatever test it was…!
    :)

  8. Yes, the pause and stillness is needed in life. I think it is the body’s way of telling itself to take a break from everything and just be still with oneself.

    And i agree with you Lynn that there is nothing wrong with feeling nothing. It’s a rather calming out of body experience.

  9. Satcy D – I will email Jennifer and let her know about the possible virus on her blog.

  10. Kathryn, it was the leaning on people that often alludes me.

    It is often our own perceived frailties and shortcomings in our younger years that are actually our strengths as the years progress.

  11. I built up a good gut when fighting Crohn’s Disease in my mid-twenties. Two surgeries later and my gut is a rock and in remission for the last 13 years. Knock on wood!

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