The guilt arrives in waves. For many this guilt is something you may never experience. It could be something you experience daily.
It’s a form of anxiety associated with earning money. That’s the only way I can describe this; that knowledge that one is beginning to earn more than poverty level income and entering into the middle class dream.
I mean, I’ve never had to deal with earning much money by Canadian standards or budgeting in larger amounts each month.
All I want to say is dream, then think of that dream and make it a reality. This dream has to do with money and making money in a way that is healthy, self gratifying and brings happiness or emotion into the world; a contribution.
I don’t know why I make art or write or publish it online for you to read. All I know is that each and every day I get up, drink a Pepsi and go outside to smoke a cigarette, come in, cook an egg sandwich or grill cheese, take some vitamins and sit down at the computer and type and click then get up and walk around, pick up some paper, package some orders, get dressed or shower, chat with a tenant in the kitchen, walk to the post office and back or answer some email, go visit Mom and Dad, talk to a friend on the phone, watch some TV, have a glass of wine with a friend, talk about being single with that friend, draw, stare at the blank piece of paper staring at me then ever so quickly dab the first mark on that page then wonder is that the right dab, the right colour, the right anything… what will it be…where am I going with this, oh look – that mark made something hmmmm happiness get up walk away from the dabs to check shop, renew items, calculate daily spending online and what risks I’m willing to take today, perhaps answer some email, and again set goal of the zero inbox, read tech stuff to keep up with new advancements in technology, order larger quantities of packaging supplies, remember to keep receipts for cleaning supplies (to claim for housekeeping expenses) separate from art supplies, decide what will or won’t work with my business, think about ad for room rental, jump into another site, another OMG get off the computer, cook some supper, cook enough food to last two or three meals and maybe a lunch, sign up to new sites online to reserve my username, update blog and check for new plugins, update theme, update computer software, check web hosting, check expiry dates on flickr, mediatmetple, tweet, facebook, thank customers, package, renew items in shop to stay at front of search within category of 500,000PLUS items… wonder if it works but it does, and so does facebook etc… apply for jurying, apply to art sale, adjust art listing, renew renew renew, answer email, convo’s and facebook messages, wish people would only contact me in one way via my email, REALLY wish for a site that would manage all my sites preferably within the dashboard of my own blog, wonder about uploading art to other e-commerce sites for sale and decide to create my own e-commerce site instead, and I do wonder why the men I fall for are not emotionally available, then think you know, I’ll stop typing as this needs to end, right now.
That was just one day and not all days are like that. I do take time off but the one thing I’m lacking is a budget to go out with. It’s just not in the cards to spend extra money on going to a club or eating out at a restaurant, buying clothing or other trivialities. That’s not to say that I don’t and it’s not only about the money but to be honest I’d rather be home spending money on art supplies and having sex with them on paper.
The original Sundried Illustration featured in this post has since sold to an art collector in the Untied Sates. Beautiful Archival prints are available in the art shop.