I have not been able to write lately. In actuality, the thoughts in my head are so hurried and are far outpacing my ability to even jot them down in a coherent manner for you to read most days. So, that leaves me with drawing, gardening and working on my top secret e-commerce site.
I’m having trouble following directions, understanding them and thus implementing them.
I’ve got about 25 (maybe 2,500) major projects on the go all at once and until they are done my finances slowly slip and slide and miraculously carry me through. I’m not in debt and refuse to go into debt or even to use credit cards. My bills are all paid. I don’t know how I do it sometimes, but I do.
Family and friends and people I don’t know are coming at me from all directions and truth be told I’m close to screaming. Add to that mix, a third break up since January and I’m really through with dating all together. I just can’t bring myself to continue dating someone when we are not physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually compatible and most importantly in love. And I’m fully aware that not everything will be perfect, but I do believe in love at first site and I do believe in getting my major needs met when in a relationship. And I know that if I’m not happy I’ll go looking elsewhere. And that, is hard to admit.
I’m learning to cope though. However, ADHD is getting the better of me most days and it’s making me feel miserable and out of control when it comes to trying to keep pace with what needs to be done and completed. And it’s only me doing the yelling. I’m the boss and I’m ruthless on myself. I must learn to say NO. Yes?
And when dating or coding or programming gets thrown into the picture I lose myself completely and can’t seem to find my way out again. I feel trapped and being in a relationship or stuck in a stupid war in FTP shouldn’t make one feel trapped or obligated to learn? Should it? Shouldn’t it make you feel good and make you want to be a better person and find your way out of the metadata!!?
I don’t talk about ADHD much. It was my final diagnosis about five years ago. I don’t take anything for it, choosing to adjust my lifestyle instead and go med free on the advice of my doctors, because there was a good chance I could have abused the drugs available to treat me. I find this so frustrating at times. I want the prescription drugs. I want my brain to function so that I can complete tasks. It’s soooooooo hard. I want my doctors from out West. There is no free treatment available for women with ADHD in New Brunswick while there is, in British Columbia.
I remember the look on my doctors face when I told her I was moving back east and she says happily “Oh, to Nova Scotia?”. I reply “No, New Brunswick”. She looked at me with very sorry eyes as we both knew treatment here for adult ADHD is limited to those with lots of money.
But I have you and that to me is wonderful!
Can I just cry? Right now. Right here in front of you and say you know what, I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve been given to work with.
I’m eternally late with everything and I’m grateful that the people, clients, customers, friends, and family who have chosen to work with or love me over the last few years realize that while I’m lightly lopsided and can easily land a job or contract and look like I’m having a great time as I’m a good talker and have a great smile, I’m not always capable of seeing things through or sitting amidst throngs of noisy people without a little guidance, a gentle push or simply a big hug to know that you understand.
I really need a vacation from my life. I’m working my hardest to be able to travel in the Fall. When I look at my bank account all I can do is laugh at the balance but hope that the crazy work that I’m doing and the decisions I’m making will in the least make it a bit easier for me, my brain and my heart in the near future.
And a big PS – I am grateful that you are in my life even if for only one second, one day, one year or for a lifetime. Please, don’t ever think that I’m not.
The photo above is of a sunset from two weeks ago setting over the lilac bushes in my backyard. That, makes me happy.