The thoughts in my head are culminating into a divergent rant about ADHD, relationships and e-commerce

lilac tree sunset saint john nb canada

I have not been able to write lately. In actuality, the thoughts in my head are so hurried and are far outpacing my ability to even jot them down in a coherent manner for you to read most days. So, that leaves me with drawing, gardening and working on my top secret e-commerce site.

I’m having trouble following directions, understanding them and thus implementing them.

I’ve got about 25 (maybe 2,500) major projects on the go all at once and until they are done my finances slowly slip and slide and miraculously carry me through. I’m not in debt and refuse to go into debt or even to use credit cards. My bills are all paid. I don’t know how I do it sometimes, but I do.

Family and friends and people I don’t know are coming at me from all directions and truth be told I’m close to screaming. Add to that mix, a third break up since January and I’m really through with dating all together. I just can’t bring myself to continue dating someone when we are not physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually compatible and most importantly in love. And I’m fully aware that not everything will be perfect, but I do believe in love at first site and I do believe in getting my major needs met when in a relationship. And I know that if I’m not happy I’ll go looking elsewhere. And that, is hard to admit.

I’m learning to cope though. However, ADHD is getting the better of me most days and it’s making me feel miserable and out of control when it comes to trying to keep pace with what needs to be done and completed. And it’s only me doing the yelling. I’m the boss and I’m ruthless on myself. I must learn to say NO. Yes?

And when dating or coding or programming gets thrown into the picture I lose myself completely and can’t seem to find my way out again. I feel trapped and being in a relationship or stuck in a stupid war in FTP shouldn’t make one feel trapped or obligated to learn? Should it? Shouldn’t it make you feel good and make you want to be a better person and find your way out of the metadata!!?

I don’t talk about ADHD much. It was my final diagnosis about five years ago. I don’t take anything for it, choosing to adjust my lifestyle instead and go med free on the advice of my doctors, because there was a good chance I could have abused the drugs available to treat me. I find this so frustrating at times. I want the prescription drugs. I want my brain to function so that I can complete tasks. It’s soooooooo hard. I want my doctors from out West. There is no free treatment available for women with ADHD in New Brunswick while there is, in British Columbia.

I remember the look on my doctors face when I told her I was moving back east and she says happily “Oh, to Nova Scotia?”. I reply “No, New Brunswick”. She looked at me with very sorry eyes as we both knew treatment here for adult ADHD is limited to those with lots of money.

But I have you and that to me is wonderful!

Can I just cry? Right now. Right here in front of you and say you know what, I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve been given to work with.

I’m eternally late with everything and I’m grateful that the people, clients, customers, friends, and family who have chosen to work with or love me over the last few years realize that while I’m lightly lopsided and can easily land a job or contract and look like I’m having a great time as I’m a good talker and have a great smile, I’m not always capable of seeing things through or sitting amidst throngs of noisy people without a little guidance, a gentle push or simply a big hug to know that you understand.

I really need a vacation from my life. I’m working my hardest to be able to travel in the Fall. When I look at my bank account all I can do is laugh at the balance but hope that the crazy work that I’m doing and the decisions I’m making will in the least make it a bit easier for me, my brain and my heart in the near future.

And a big PS – I am grateful that you are in my life even if for only one second, one day, one year or for a lifetime. Please, don’t ever think that I’m not.

The photo above is of a sunset from two weeks ago setting over the lilac bushes in my backyard. That, makes me happy.

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21 thoughts on “The thoughts in my head are culminating into a divergent rant about ADHD, relationships and e-commerce

  1. Jessica, sorry to read you’re having a rough patch. I had no idea you suffered with ADHD – you certainly do a good job of raging against it and have always struck me as one of the more focussed individuals i’ve had the pleasure of stumbling across (on Buzz initially). Without wanting to patronise, there are bound to be these dips and it’s great to read of the strength you get from your ‘community’. It’s something I can relate to a great deal – I recovered from 2 mental breakdowns and a Bi-Polar diagnosis with the help of friends online and using social media tools like AudioBoo to record a daily diary. I’ve no idea how i’d have coped without my Tweeps :)
    Don’t be too hard on yourself – sounds like things have just built up a little. Oh and good work on not hanging onto relationships for the sake of it – I find it hard to imagine you not finding a kindred spirit sooner rather than later – people with passion converge eventually.

  2. Jessica . . . . life can get a little rough at times, just remember to breathe and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don’t be afraid to lean on friends and family when you need to. Sending you a big hug.

  3. Sometimes ya just need a good rant to get it all out! I hope you are feeling better (even if just a little). Though I don’t have adhd, I can relate to so much of what you are going through. Life is hard, no doubt.

    Breathe…get to a meeting…and pray.

    (((hug)))

  4. Life/time is way too precious to waste on a relationship that is not right. When we’re honest with ourselves, we do know when it’s right or not …. I’ve always trusted my heart/gut feeling, and never remained in a lousy relationship. I’m better off on my own then… This time, I’ve just been fortunate enough, finding the ideal.

    Didn’t know that there were treatment drugs for ADHD. What are they?

    Even though I understand you’re going through a somewhat rough time, I couldn’t help but smile about the «war in FTP and getting out of the metadata»… There are times when I wish my own mind was like a HD where I could clean out the temporary files.

  5. I think you are so brave to think out loud. You are no different than most of us, just trying to put one foot in front of the other every day. I’ve found even when I’m in the midst of clutter with a thousand things happing at once, it’s where I am meant to be. That’s what gives me peace.

    And then you let it go….

    xoSherry

  6. Short comment- you are busy. Lovely writing from an open heart. My husband has ADHD so I understand but I believe that even though people with adhd have trouble with the completion of the plan, they are the great visionaries in our lives. Without my hubbies vision and headstrong, almost reckless faith in us, I would never have even began our most interesting and successful projects.
    I also secretly think creativity is really just brain damage- that is why we all have a little trouble sometime! all the best ;)

  7. Hi Jessica, I am constantly inspired, uplifted and awed by you. I don’t think that there are any answers or advice to give, but know that you’re not alone, even if our circumstances and problems are all unique, and that seeing how you struggle with life, love and everything, while still creating brilliantly wonderful artwork, makes a somewhat eternal pessimist a bit hopeful. You are an amazing woman. Thanks for sharing.

  8. Sadly, I completely understand what you’re saying… and although I’d love to tell you, “It’s okay to take a break and relax your brain.” it’s never quite that simple.
    Even if you managed to earn enough to justify taking a vacation, will you be able to quiet the restless thoughts in your head, without burying them in work?

    Your mention of ADHD has given me a bone to chew on… wondering whether I might have a similar problem, but I won’t book an appointment anytime soon. If ever.
    Besides, if we were all taking drugs to regulate our chemicals and make us all “normal”, how would that impact our unique personalities? Would we even recognize ourselves?
    They always say that artists “are tortured souls”… perhaps being crazy and unable to function normally is the price to pay for creativity and vision.

  9. Of course you can cry! But we can’t hand you tissues… The thing I love most about your blog is that you’re a REAL person. You’re not always telling me to be “blissful” and telling me I should learn to love people. Thanks for that! :)

  10. Hi, Jess. The temptation to run right over there and give you a big hug is one breath away from grabbing the car keys. I’m not going to spout all the usual platitudes, or say other chipper things, because I know that they usually just make things worse. You and I are kindred spirits in many ways.

    So instead, I’m going to offer this:

    Thank you — for inspiring me. Thank you — for being who you are and sharing all of the facets that make you who you are. Thank you — for the happy fishes and the pink penises and the bright sunflowers that make me smile when I’m having a day that’s a little darker. You often brighten my world and you don’t even know it. I hope sometime I can return the favour.

    Hugs,
    KJ

  11. I understand the feelings that you seem to be feeling. How grateful you must be to have your art to channel some of this into when you feel so overwhelmed. I don’t have ADHD but I have Bipolar 2. I take meds. I’m grateful for the meds. Have you been checked for Bipolar cause it sounds kinda manicy to me? But I am not a doctor so what the hell do I know. It’s just a thought. Thank you for trusting the people that care for you enough to share these feelings with us. Thanks for not giving up. I know sometimes it’s hard not to just give in and give up.

    Know that you are cared for,
    Helen

  12. Dear Jessica, you need to take some time to rest and breathe. Even if it’s just a 15 minutes in your day, but you need some peace and balance. I’ll be praying for you.

  13. Jessica, I know all too well what you are going through…I too have ADHD. In fact, I wasn’t diagnosed until about 6 yrs ago, when I was already an adult too…It was like I was always wondering what was wrong with me…why I never seemed to have a concept of time. It has made working a regular job pretty much not possible. It has been hard on my life and my marriage has suffered due to my not being able to work and be on top of everything like ‘most women’ can.

    As for the meds…well, I have personally chosen NOT to take any…I also have other health conditions like diabetise and high blood pressure to take meds for and I just didn’t want to add to the list. I also felt that I’d like to manage this on my own it isn’t easy but I am trying! I know what you mean about your mind racing full of ideas just pouring out and not knowing where to start or even end…but it is important to make yourself slow down.

    There are some good things about ADHD that I’d miss if I took meds…the ‘superfocus’ in which I’m able to create brilliant things or write an insightful journal. I have learned not to let the ‘super focus’ consume me though. I have learned to look at the time…which before I never did! lol! I have learned to only do one thing at a time until I am done. I especially have learned NOT to leave the kitchen while cooking…even if I’m only boiling water or eggs! lol! I have learned to recognize when I need to just stop and walk away from the madness! I’ll admit, it isn’t easy to do these things and I’m not always successful but most of the time I am! If you ever would like to talk about this more or have any questions for me you can contact me on my blog or e-mail listed here. I wish you all the best! Cre8tvlyyrs ~ Gina

  14. The True Vows by David Whyte

    All the true vows
    are secret vows
    the ones we speak out loud
    are the ones we break.

    There is only one life
    you can call your own
    and a thousand others
    you can call by any name you want.

    Hold to the truth you make
    every day with your own body,
    don’t turn your face away.

    Hold to your own truth
    at the center of the image
    you were born with.

    Those who do not understand
    their destiny will never understand
    the friends they have made
    nor the work they have chosen

    nor the one life that waits
    beyond all the others.

    By the lake in the wood
    in the shadows
    you can
    whisper that truth
    to the quiet reflection
    you see in the water.

    Whatever you hear from
    the water, remember,

    it wants you to carry
    the sound of its truth on your lips.

    Remember,
    in this place
    no one can hear you

    and out of the silence
    you can make a promise
    it will kill you to break,

    that way you’ll find
    what is real and what is not.

    I know what I am saying.
    Time almost forsook me
    and I looked again.

    Seeing my reflection
    I broke a promise
    and spoke
    for the first time
    after all these years

    in my own voice,

    before it was too late
    to turn my face again.

    (Hope this helps Jessica. Love and Peace to you always–Noelle)

  15. There’s nothing like a good cry sometimes. I’ve been following your blog for a few months now and am always inspired by your honesty and your work. I struggle with a neurological condition that strips me of my memory, my ability to communicate effectively, and my energy. My work has suffered, my relationships have suffered, and my own sense of self-worth has suffered. The thing that keeps me going is that God promised in His word that He is my strength when I am weak, which gives me a sense of purpose again.

    Hang in there. Breathe and pray.

  16. Hey Jessica,

    I came across your site while searching for some others that had used one of Sarah Neuber’s Themes. I have recently launched my own e-commerce site using one of her themes and thought you might need some help (I sure did). Anyway, check it out and let me know if I can help.

    Eric
    http://www.flavoredtee.com

    ps. Love the post, very brave of you to open up like that.

  17. FYI from a 45 yr. old self-diagnosed add (no ‘h’)female who’s life might have been SO different with a proper diagnosis!! If only they understood that girls and ‘gifted’ students are just as susceptible to having chemical imbalances as boys were(back in the 70′s), my record would probably have only 1 or 2 felonies instead of 11. My IQ was 140 at age 16, with a 97% percentile rate(meaning that 3% of the population that was my age and in school tested smarter than me). You’d think that that much intelligence would naturally guide me to achieve a lot, but all I strove for was to be ordinary enough to fit in with everybody, and drugs became my way to be social. 28 years later, I shoot a half-gram of meth every day to self-medicate. Let it be noted that I’ve never had to resort to any thievery, robbery, or lying in order to obtain my ‘meds’, and if I were to be portrayed on “Faces of Meth”, there would be a notable increase in it’s use by the general population. period. Too bad I’m the exception, not the rule…..Long story short, I know the recovery stats(single-digit success after 5 years, so now I just hang out with armed bikers and hope the end is swift in 2012. Luck, mary

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