Finding passion without becoming addicted or why six years on it’s not any easier

2012 calendar desktop monsters handmade aliens pretty whimsical etsy

I wrote this blog post earlier this year in May but hadn’t published it. This seems to be a common occurrence as I write a lot but don’t publish them. And with 95 blog post drafts sitting anxiously I thought well, now is the time to edit and publish. Anyhow, I recently celebrated six years sobriety of off hard drugs on August 26th so while perusing the drafts I re-read this one and thought it appropriate to share with you.

For the last six years I’ve been searching for something that doesn’t exist. A something that perhaps exists in everyday life but doesn’t exist in the nether regions of one’s psyche. One can never return to the past nor can they return to the future.

While I may think of chemical drugs almost everyday I know that if I consume them it would spell the death of me as I’d fall so far down the rabbit hole that I would not return as the drug means more to me than life itself and more than everyone and everything else in this world. I knew this, and understood this, when cleaning up from addiction in 2005.

And I miss the freedom of living in a larger urban center and of being free to not wear a bra and being free to not look like the rest of the population surrounding me. While it seems tuff at times to live in a small town… yes, Saint John is a small town even though it is officially declared a city… it is still a small town by modern standards; and a very conservative small town at that. And to see fashions that were in style in Vancouver in 2007 rearing there head here right now is mind boggling as it’s nuts to think that it takes four to five years for fashions to make their way from West to East.

I was talking with my cousin a few days ago who is four years older than I. We are both relatively single and do not have children. We are also both self employed and creative although her creativity is a hobby while mine is my main source of income.

I can remember at age 12 or 13 visiting with her and her showing me the many drawings that she drew and being inspired by them. I don’t know if you know that Rochelle. But I’ll never forget the amazing ink drawings you rendered as a teenager and how you told me to keep drawing even when I didn’t feel like it while we stood in your bedroom. I’m fortunate to have had people in my life who inspired me creatively at a very early and tender age.

As I near middle age now, I wonder if this is how it’s supposed to be. While I don’t enjoy being single, I do long for savageness and wild abandon. I miss it to be honest. I feel repressed here in Saint John and while I have sex on very rare occasions, I do miss the damn connection that comes when you finally meet the right person. I’m sick and tired of dating. And this isn’t to say that I’m looking to lay just anybody. I’m not addicted to sex but I am human and I hunger for physical contact but MUCH more than that I want a life long commitment with someone.

I may never have children and that is not okay. So six years on it’s not any easier. And that is the truth people about addiction. It never goes away, but you can use it to your advantage and work with it, molding it into inspiration to continue living and striving for the life you want.

Handmade by me 2012 Desk and Wall Calendars are listed and ready to ship in the art shop now. Pictured above are the 12 months from the desk calendar.

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4 thoughts on “Finding passion without becoming addicted or why six years on it’s not any easier

  1. That’s a really heartfelt post. Touching, actually. A lot happens in six years really. My life has completely changed. In fact I was only discussing this yesterday with friends. Recently I’ve been worrying that I didn’t think more carefully about my education choices as a teenagers and I wish I had the chance to go back and say to myself ‘think REALLY hard’. But the funny thing is, I DID think really hard about what I wanted to do back then, and in reality- logically- if I was any other person my life would have turned out completely as planned and very VERY different to the life I actually got. If I went back in time there would be nothing I could say to myself to do differently as back then I couldn’t see how blessed I would be in the future… It was a really haunting moment. I finally accepted that I am exactly where I need to be, and even though it’s not what I expected, or even dreamed of, it is utterly divinely perfect and I wouldn’t change any part of it.

    If that’s one lesson I could pass on by touch I would.

  2. I want to type something profound, but Lianne pretty much summed it up: We are exactly where we’re supposed to be (at this moment), even if we aren’t 100% satisfied with where we are. And life keeps going… sure you’re getting older, but you honestly could meet your future partner tomorrow on the sidewalk.

    So far, you have done so many things to be proud of, and more importantly, you’ve lived. You haven’t sat around waiting for things to happen… you’ve received a degree and worked as a designer, moved across the country by yourself, become a self-employed artist, bought a house, become a landlady, run a successful blog, inspired other artists, and continue to amaze people with your talent and insight.

    You have so many years ahead for even greater adventures, and I’m sure a man will play a role in them. :)

    Who is completely happy with their life choices really? We always look back with regrets, and “what ifs”, and unconsciously measure our fulfillment by comparing our friends’ lives to our own. Facebook is terrible in this regard!
    I gag whenever I read a Facebook that says: “I’m happily married to a wonderful man, mother of 5 children, passionate about God, sewing, and serving my community. My life is blessed!” I’ll bet…

    If you read between the lines, that woman longs for something… an individual identity perhaps? LOL

    I should stop writing before my reply grows longer than your post…. but all of us are in this together, wanting and dreaming and working and reaching for things that we fear aren’t destined for us. But we keep believing that maybe they might be….

  3. Not easier after six years, no. That’s how much drugs destroy. Even after six years you’re still climbing up the mountain. The big difference is: you’re well on your way now. Six years ago you lay deep, deep down under ground. As you said, the drugs meant more to you than life itself. It may seem as if life hasn’t gotten that much better. But I think it’s important to see yourself in a better perspective. You’re so strong to have come such a long way. Being so far up the mountain already. You could have been dead. But you’re not. You’re fighting for a better existence. See how strong you are? No, it’s not easy. And it will never be. Because now you don’t have drugs to take you outside of your problems anymore. But you see, facing these difficulties is exactly how you can measure how far you’ve come. I don’t know you, but I think you rock for being such a strong woman. I’ve read your blog for a year now, I think. Ran into your work on Etsy, was inspired and started to follow you. And I’ve seen you’re a fighter. It’s good to fight. That’s how you’ve come this far. And love will come. Not when you search high and low for it, though. Or when you really ache for it. That’s the irony of love. It doesn’t come when you need it most. But I think that’s a sign telling us we need to love ourselves more first. I’m sorry to throw such a cliché at you, but I have found it to be true for myself. Be strong! And I can’t wait to see new art coming up on this blog. You’ll make it. And so will love!!

  4. Thank you Jessica, this is a powerful and touching commentary. Thanks for sticking around Saint John and bringing a little bit of the outside world here.

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