In life we either get it right or we don’t as there really isn’t an in between nether world that we can climb into when things aren’t going the way we want them to. However, I tend to crawl into that purgatorial space when the creative bug hits and begin drawing the creatures that float around in it, in an attempt to make sense of what was, what is and what could be or write, right here, on the blog.
And it isn’t that things are going bad right now, they are however at a stand still of sorts and testing the limits with the timing being off and locating the on switch seems to be out of reach and dangling in front of my fingertips. I have to laugh at that because what else am I to do when it comes to men?
I decided to put my online dating profile to rest a couple of weeks ago and haven’t logged in since. I’d much rather meet a man in real life and talk with them face to face as between both Facebook and Plenty of Fish the men I’ve met through those sites are not what they make themselves out to be.
There was the man who after five or six painful dates simply couldn’t say more than “Well, uh”, “What do you want to do?”, “I’ll have whatever you are having” or “Whatever you want to watch is good with me”. Conversation was extremely painful and the thumb rubbing and clenched jaw and darting eyes and feel sorry for me look on his face at all times made me want to silently scream. I’m sorry, but always agreeing with me on everything is a complete turn-off. He was not man enough for me. But this next guy was too much man…
This guy seemed nice enough on the first date but on the second, third and fourth, the warning bells went off as he couldn’t sit still, kept dodging his eyes away from mine and when asked any sort of direct question and would not answer the simplest of questions and responded half the time with only questions by turning the conversation back to me. He promised the world to me and many high paying creative jobs but really he only wanted to dig into my brain and learn everything I knew about WordPress and working online and more than that get into my pants which is fine when you both want sex (who doesn’t) but when one person says no, then it must stop. And when a woman says they are sick and have been throwing up and want to cancel and you still invite yourself down and travel to see them and then lift their legs from their flat laying down position and jolt them over onto your own when when you crash down on the couch… well that is just douchebaggery. And having to pee every half hour 24 hours a day/night is a sign of disease or drug abuse or something. And when you ask why he needs to urinate so much and the man won’t answer to say why he’s peeing all the time there is a huge red flag that waves goodbye. And then lecturing me on smoking and asking for a smoke to smoke yourself is hysterically hypocritical.
BUT what makes me sad is when you DO meet someone and because the timing is off it stalls and can’t or won’t begin and I know this isn’t making sense, yet I’m thrilled that I am meeting people in real life who seem to enjoy just who I am without the need to point out the imperfections or judge me on past actions, income level or age and who aren’t stalking, harassing or begging me for help with Photoshop or WordPress.
And there is one man whom I met recently and had the pleasure of getting to know over the course of five weeks. Nothing ever happened between us physically and nothing has become of what was. I smile knowing that I’ve leaped forward in getting to know a man just for who he is without getting seriously involved immediately. But I’m left wondering what could have been and left thinking why things happen the way they do. He is one of the most intelligent men I’ve had the honour of spending time with while he was renting a room here in the house. He spoke his mind, was genuinely kind and while we disagreed on many things, the conversations just kept going irregardless of our opposing tastes. He loves his family, pets and loves to eat at home rather than eating out and works with his hands in trade and is down to earth and loves the outdoors and has a fantabulous smile and eyes.
He is the kind of man I see myself with and although nothing may come of the intense crush I have on him (although I secretly hope something will) I did learn something very basic over the last few years and that is this… I will no longer date men who are afraid of commitment, afraid to be honest, afraid to show emotion, who want to keep me a secret, who promise the world after two dates, who don’t want to meet my friends and family, who are mean, intolerant or racist, men who can’t look me in the eye, men who can’t accept that I work at home, men who don’t keep their word, men who belittle me and most of all men who who can’t be men because they inwardly hate women.
But I will keep putting myself out there and meeting men in person until the timing is right.
And boy I wish the timing was different so I could get to know this guy more. As time goes on I want someone that shares my values and core morals much more than someone who has everything in common with me. Common ground is a bonus but it certainly gets boring if your values, morals and future ideas and goals don’t add up.
The photo above is of two wooden beads that I painted recently using acrylic paint and varnish. They have since sold. I’m hoping to paint more soon!