Fish illustration and some thoughts in no particular order and why I give up…

chart, fish, drawing, illustration, jessica doyle, whismical, skatchebook, fabriano quadrato journal, pilot Gtec C4 pen, watercolour

Why is it that when you really like someone you get all crazy and can’t contain yourself and blurt out the wrong things and repeat yourself, asking the same questions over and over from sheer excitement because you do indeed like the man. These last few months have been nothing but extraordinary for me and I’m desperately trying to plant my feet on the ground again which over the last week has happened in a most intense and disastrous way.

I need downtime and traditionally January through to April have been the months when I steel the time to be alone or in one on one calm atmospheres to create, paint, write and choose to be home more often than not.

I’ve lost the ability to write openly and freely here on my blog because everyone knows about it now, especially here in my hometown, and I’m doing my best to come to terms with this and kicking myself for allowing said outside sources to dictate what I could and could not legitimately write about last year.

chart, fish, drawing, illustration, jessica doyle, whismical, skatchebook, fabriano quadrato journal, pilot Gtec C4 pen, watercolour

Have you ever found the honesty, respect, integrity and intimacy you’ve been searching for in a man only to have it hit you in the soul so blatantly hard that it makes you step back and go is this f#$%ing real? Then your wall falls down and you are so vulnerable and cold and shaking and needing warmth yet terrified to let someone else take control. And then they take control and you hurt and shake like nothing you have ever felt before because they choose to leave and do the opposite of what you hoped for?

I’m just over seven weeks smoke free #Quitsmoking um… yeah and ohhhhhhhhh so grateful that I stopped smoking for myself and for no one else or I’d likely be smoking again given the life circumstances that have arisen and that I seem to have found myself in and facing over the last seven weeks.

I haven’t been a man’s girlfriend in a very long time and I’d like to know what that feels like again for real. This isn’t really a finished blog post or even one that makes complete sense… but…

You should never trust so blindly or simply give up. Plain and simple… really?

Jessica Doyle sexy artist

I give up. And yes, giving up is a choice and this doesn’t mean that it’s a negative choice. It’s just a choice to change direction and reevaluate why doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is an exercise in futility.

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8 thoughts on “Fish illustration and some thoughts in no particular order and why I give up…

  1. Hi Jessica, I’m not one of those people who believes things always work out for the best, and when they do they only become “for the best” after viewing them from a great distance. But I do like to think things get better, despite, or in spite of it all. And I feel they will for you. Giving up isn’t always negative, especially when you redirect your energy to something creative.
    Having said all that, I love the fish. The detail is amazing as always, but the water colour outline gives him a wonderful dimension.

  2. that is such a lovely photograph of you!
    such a tender dance to love openly and freely
    yet honor oneself. wishing you peace and love, light and art!

  3. Sometime mid-fall it dawned on me that I had given up.

    I listen more now. 

    And I follow.

    My life has taken on a quality of profound peace. My relationships have changed dramatically, as well as have deepened. Tensions long held in my body have unwound. Even my business has grown. (Well, it has.)  My definitions, and what I thought I knew of things, are not what they were. 

    Giving up has been a God-send. Following is such an inwardly quiet state that sometimes it is easy to start paying attention to here or there; but it is also surprisingly easy, and much more interesting than the dull, banal, mind-numbing mantra:  “never give up”. I doubt most people who repeat that really know what they are talking about. I suspect not. You can’t, until you do it. It is not what people think it is at all. Not what I thought it was, at least. I have realized that I am in good hands.. It is neat to know intimately what this lyric is about: 

    Fortune presents gifts not according to the book. (Dead Can Dance, of course. Great song.)

    :)

  4. Jessica, you’re my souls sista! I know exactly what you’re saying!!!! You need to give up, but just for a while, regroup and when you feel you can, try it again! And don’t let anyone influence your blog, it’s YOUR blog! And I love how honest you are, don’t change that for anything! Lots of love to ya!

  5. I
    can relate to what your saying. I’m getting ready to begin a new life
    as the old one died (sort of) when my back did. I was and always have
    been a very physically active kind of guy. Two herniated disks and one
    bulging and hitting my sciatic nerve has
    caused me to give up my old ways of doing and thinking and trust that
    what will be will be. To let go of the supposed control I do have and
    focus on what I really can try to shape. (sometimes its harder than
    others) eg I lost my previous girlfriend in part due to my mood swings
    caused by pain and frustration. I would wonder for a long time after who
    is going to love me now, now that I’m slightly disabled and can’t do
    all things I used to do with potential dates, dancing, rollerblading,
    and the like. I’ve learned to think what I can offer, I’m bright
    enough, good sense of humor, caring, compassionate, and I can still walk
    even long ones on a beach. Is the glass half full or half empty, I’m
    glad to still have a cup I can re-fill. “I give up. And yes, giving
    up is a choice and this doesn’t mean that it’s a negative choice. It’s
    just a choice to change direction and reevaluate why doing the same
    things over and over again and expecting different results is an
    exercise in futility.” I applaud your choice to look for new
    directions and try to do and see things in a new way. Sometimes when
    your not looking things, they have a way of finding you. P.S. Don’t
    know if you remember me we chatted 4 years ago never met as I moved
    back to Calgary. well I’m back as the wait list for surgery here is a
    year less than it would have been there. Its very humbling to have to
    rely on your family when you’ve been independent for so long.

  6. “It’s just a choice to change direction and reevaluate why doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is an exercise in futility.” Wise words. (And I love this fish.)

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