Category Archives: ADHD

A Note on Censorship, Stats and Personal Well Being

Funny, all my google referers have disappeared from my stats.
I feel more censored at home than anywhere else on earth.
And I am well.

Ever get to that point where you need to have a good long freaking cry. Just crying for the sake of crying to feel good afterwords. Not unlike laughing hysterically yet you are crying instead.

I am working harder now than I’ve ever worked in my whole life. I am working hard custom picture framing. I am working hard at drawing and painting instead of using drugs. I am writing. I find I am censoring myself. I am finding it hard to believe that I am doing all this.

I find it hard to believe that people can influence me the way they do. I find it hard to believe that I am in charge of this blog. I find it hard to believe that even though Google or WordPress hates me I still get 400+ visitors a day.

I get that urge to go crazy sometimes. Occasionally that hits HARD and I love it!

So I have this Etsy shop. And it’s damn hard to have an Etsy shop. It’s a lot of trial and error. I’m considering opening an X-rated Etsy shop because I can see the other side of the coin. Bling!

A long time ago I wished I could be in on that median. I wanted that happy medium so badly that everyone else had. I got it. I had it good. Now… single for just over one year and living with my parents, in debt up to my yin yang and I’m feeling kind of destitute, yet very creative at the same time. Men just seem to piss me off lately. They are all ogre like. Not all. I’ve met my share of female ogress’s. hahahahahahaha

Maybe that’s it.

😉

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How do you clean your mind?

I began, a few moments ago, thinking about how I wished I could remove my brain, throw it in the wash with detergent and later dry it outside on the line in the crisp autumn air.

I can’t literally do that though and that fact irks me especially after a day like today.

I am only able to wash my skin if dirty, exercise if fat and eat if hungry. The mind is different and yes, every one of those things affects the mind indirectly but they cannot immediately rid it of dirt.

This got me thinking about drugs and how I crave them during moments of high stress. Yes, moments, for the urge can pass to instantaneously fix the sleepiness, stupidness or inattentiveness. On days like today though the moments turned into hours and the 15 minute break worked for about 15 minutes upon my return to working. I know, I know there will be days like these.

I wish I had that little bottle on days like these. I wish I had my magic potion. I wish I could sip it into oblivion and be unaware of my own existence, only conscious of other’s insistence.

Today I found two pennies.

No measurements, no stats and the diet continues on after a brief hiatus

My last weigh in at the doctor was a whopping ???lbs. Woot to me eh? So who and what can I blame my 32 year old bodies shape on? Paxil, Pepsi and a creative mind’s favorite word, procastination. At this moment in time I want to say I would still like to be a part of the diet, however I am not going to set a goal. I am just going to live and let living be my guide.

Pepsi - thanks for trying

Doing things to fast causes me to backtrack into the recesses of my mind. I began this diet very fast and very furiously. I was in hyper mode. LOL. Anxiety was ruling my daily activities rather than doing I was thinking and re-thinking myself into oblivion. I took a break from posting to The Diet and would like to resume posting to it today and hopefully in the least, write bi-weekly updates.

I have been active but not as physically active as I was before. My mind has changed from that of an anxiety ridden mind to that of a I can’t keep up with my ideas now mind. The paxil has done a good job of controlling my anxiety. I miss though anxious moments of thought that would drive me to create with all those ideas I have. My brain works pretty good. Lot’s of ideas. Procastination has become a way of life over the last couple of monthes in the sense that it is very very difficult to organize my thoughts coherantly and get them out. Maybe the paxil has relaxed me to a point where nothing matters anymore physically. Without physically acting on my mentally engineered ideas, how the hell am I to lose weight, write, paint…
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29 Questions Answered

If you continually ask yourself questions will you ever decide? Probably not. The act of making a decision or the lack there of is at the heart of anxiety and ADHD. Today I’ll present you some answers to questions I asked in my previous post. The questions could be asked by anyone to anyone else. They are not relevant to me alone. You may relate to the question or the answer and possibly agree or disagree to either.

I placed italicized numbers beside each answer as the 29 questions are answered in no particular order. They all however form one complete idea.

Ok, if you have a website do you want to place advertising on it? (1.)Google Adsence and (2.)Amazon seem two likely choices to choose for potential ad revenue. They are both well established advertising programs on the web. I’ve not setup Amazon on Jessica Doyle however I have implemented Adsence. Like with food I’ll try them once and possibly twice and give them each a little time to simmer. And while the ads simmer (11.)RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication. and it needs to be fed a feed.

There are over 800 free (3.)themes available for WordPress to download. I have settled on using fauna. It’s flexible width, customizable and supports (7.)widgets; something I was looking for. I’ve yet to master the art of tagging with (12.)Ulimate Tag Warrior 3 (UTW3). I’m a novice at best. Tagging increases hits to your website through select words describing your content. Check out Technorati if you looking to search using tags.

I do not wish to (20.)work 9 to 5. I hope to (6.)make money through this website. I will ask you this; Say I set up a sort of (23.)raffle for artwork. Say this piece of artwork is valued at $100 and through Paypal, setup specifically to accept donations towards the piece of artwork that in the end would become tickets. Each ticket would be $5 and if you wanted five tickets it would be a donation of $25 dollars giving you five chances to win rather than one. As soon as the goal of the set price of artwork is met I will draw a ticket i.e. Once 20 tickets at $5 a piece are sold I would draw a name or email address randomly and mail your prize to you once you confirm your address through email verification. This would give everyone a chance to own original artwork. (18,19.)Through self publishing books of drawings and poetry my work will be available en mass in the near future through LuLu. I’ll also provide (25.)free downloads of my work in my gallery.

How much (5.)money do I hope to make… enough to cover my bills and living expenses. I’ve never grossed more than 25K a year. Most years it was much less. I manage as do most artists. At this point in time I put in five to ten hours per day every day, on this site through researching, writing and producing content. That is, in essence, working full time. You the viewer are reading and looking; in essence, consuming a product. The product is my site. (4.)As everyone living in the world today can attest, we as human beings need income to survive.

By staying true to one self an [tag]idea[/tag] becomes reality. By trying to (8.)please others one can lose contact with whom they really are. This is not to say that pleasing people is bad. (9.)It is however dangerous if you are not being true to yourself. By sharing who you really are with others in genuine honesty. Artists have a task and that task is to create. Artists draw from their own personal experience. Their senses take it in and your senses get aroused. Without artists there would be no culture. Everyone can relate in some way to at least one artists work, everyone. [It] can stir emotions long forgotten, take you to places you didn’t know existed or have never experienced. (16.)Art is the end result of a beginning.

I am 1.618 as are you. [It] is a number that the natural world seems to follow extensively. It is the Golden Mean. Click the Wiki for a brief quickie on what (17.)1.618 means. I (21.)understand this number… (22.)do you?

Ten happens to be the first number to have two digits that if added together equal one. We are all (10.)connected by the soles of our feet. Just think; you are standing on a tiled kitchen floor which is connected to the carpet going out into the hallway of the apartment complex you live in. This carpet leads to every other door within the building to every other human standing or sitting on their tiled kitchen floors. This carpet goes all the way down the stairs to the front exit where it connects to the stairs which connect to the sidewalk where many other feet are cycling, walking or running around on.

This sidewalk connects other structures together and also borders the street. There are humans in cars driving foot on petal connected to metal connected to the car and hence the street. The streets connect to other roadways leading to highways where other humans are stopping and going using there feet pushin’ petal to the metal! (14.)So yeah I’ve got a footprint (15.)connected to yours, which is connected to the rest, belonging to this world.

(24.)CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Jessica entered into this particular session half way through. Each session contains eight classes. How many sessions did Jessica attend? Next session begins this Friday and she will be attending all eight classes.

I hate to love. I love to hate. (26,27.)These two emotions rule all other emotions felt by human beings. They are the embellishment of the human soul.

Do I need your approval? (28.)No, would be the short answer. Change the word from “need” to “want” and ask the same question. Do I want your approval? Simply by changing what you need to what you want can have a huge impact on your decision making process. You may be surprised at how different your answers become. I’d love to have your approval but not your permission.

Lucky question number 13 is left to last with number 29. (13.)Is Valium good or bad? (29.)Are drugs good or bad? It’s not a question of good or bad, it is a choice; the choice to do or not to do. Whatever you do, it is your choice. Whether the choice is illegal or legal, it is your choice.

We each have been born with the ability to choose and choosing may mean walking the road less traveled for inspiration using our own two feet for support.