Category Archives: angry

Eleven Days After Qutting Smoking and how I tricked my brain to stay smoke free

Artist Jessica Doyle goes crazy while quitting smoking

Somewhere in between determination, heart palpitations, lethargy and giddiness I stopped smoking cigarettes eleven days ago. Oddly enough I feel more level headed than I’ve felt in a long time, albeit a sleepy time.

I slept 16 hours per day during the first three days of the quit and sporadically puffed on a Nicorette Inhaler and on a nicotine-free electronic cigarette. I also thought about bookmarking a national directory of treatment centers on my browser in case I needed further help quitting.

The constant dizziness from quitting didn’t subside until day four and it’s still lingering today. And I can’t beleive the manufacturers of the Nicorette inhaler want you to use 12 cartridges per day! I’ve been using one per day since my quit and puffing on an electronic cigarette five to six times per day. And now, eleven days in, I’m weaning off both the Nicorette and the e-cig.

I’m not really sure what prompted me to stop smoking on November 19th, and can’t really say why I feel good or how come I haven’t gone crazy or regressed back into smoking again. I guess when the time is right you just do it and say frack off to everyone and everything else that gets in your way of completing the task at hand.

There are numerous reasons this quit is sticking…

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The lure of online dating…

Artist Jessica Doyle

People seem to forget that on the other end of the email, convo, comment, message or blog, that there is a REAL human being with feelings. I’ve never encountered more asshattery since opening an account on a dating site in search of that special man.

I’ve been harassed, threatened and chased by men who don’t know their a$$ from their mouth. At one point one man had sent 40 emails in two days demanding to know my real name and where I live all the while professing his love for me stating that we are meant to be together and are soul mates. After a week of this from numerous men I finally located and learned to use the block button.

While, I have met a few nice men on the site who seem to be genuinely looking for a long term relationship I have yet to meet up with one of them in real life and I’m beginning to ask myself why? Continue reading

The 20 Year Reunion Part 1 – the fear of violence

About six months ago the anxiety surfaced after someone added me to a newly created Facebook group for the 1991 St. Malachy’s High School Graduating Class 20 Year Reunion. Fear ebbed through my body when it happened.

While high school was everything everybody always says it is, it’s not always what people see that is important but that of what people don’t know that comes to light and must be dealt with in an honest, empathetic and forgiving manner.

The first taste of physical violence I ever experienced as a female being targeted by a male was in grade three. A good female friend of mine, who is still a good friend of mine to this day, had a fight with me, well a fight as best as two nine year old girls can have at yelling and pulling each others hair on a front lawn. Kids fight. Good friends fight. BUT her older brother came out the front door. He was 13 years old and twice my size. He kicked me in the legs. He kicked me really hard and proceeded to harass and maim me all through elementary and middle school whenever he saw me walking on the sidewalk alone. He’d surround, throw rocks and worked very hard at intimidating me for years.

Violence from that day forward seemed to follow and engulf me. It wasn’t until I moved away from Saint John at age 19 that the violence that men cast on me ceased to exist which brings me to the 20 year reunion that I attended on Saturday night. Continue reading

Macbeth – The Witches Chant – illuminated manuscript page and the gruesome story behind the creation of this

Macbeth - the witches chant - william shakespeare - illuminated manuscript - fine art glicee print

During the mid-nineties I was an avid calligrapher. I created this piece at the age of 21 in late 1994. I had become fascinated with illuminated manuscripts such as the Book of Kells which is likely the most famous example of illumination. The Book of Kells is four gospels from the New Testament.

This page began as a class assignment. I remember being utterly amazed when we as a class at the New Brunswick College of Craft and Design travelled to the Harriett Irving Library at the University of New Brunswick in Fredericton to see first hand a fine reproduction of the Book of Kells. There were only 1,480 created from the original manuscript in the whole world. We had to wear white gloves while handling the book.

I also enjoyed reading stories by William Shakespeare and in particular, The Withes Chant from Macbeth. Continue reading

Fast and processed foods need to be taxed at the same rate that cigarettes are taxed in Canada

cut up cigarette - trying to quit smoking

I wish the Canadian government would begin taxing fast and processed foods as much as they tax cigarettes immediately. And don’t even try to argue with me by saying it’s food, and a necessity. It’s not food. It’s a manufactured multi-national addiction too, brought to you by multi-national corporate marketing and advertising jingles combined with scientifically proven perfect amounts of fat, sugar, genetically modified soy and salt to make you want to consume it, more and more and more.

Fast food is next on the list for outrageous taxes. The day of the $20.00 Happy Meal is coming quicker than you think to Canada. Continue reading

No smoking is healthy or is it?

no smoking sign, art, illustration, healthy, print, poster

My mind has begun to play tricks on me. My mind can get pretty sick at times. The loneliness and social withdrawal keep me stuck in this infinite loop of stopping and starting only to stop and start once again.

I need to ask your permission to write freely on this blog for a while indefinitely without being judged or being harassed for being an addict. I began this blog almost five years ago in search of an escape from addiction and the mental afflictions that seem to envelope the core of my soul only to have it turn into a tame, almost socially acceptable version of myself. I am far from socially acceptable in societies eyes… my eyes. Continue reading

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism yesterday or why I’m really not that crazy after all

And I’ve never felt more panicked in my life. All the other medical diagnoses I’ve had over the years never made me feel more vulnerable than this one and perhaps it’s because I didn’t even see it coming or suspect it or request that I be tested for it.

I went into the doctor for my regular yearly pap smear back in late October and also requested that my iron and B12 levels be checked. He suggested a full blood work up and checked about 20 things.

My brain is so full of questions as I try to discern what caused this…
Is it the soy I ate?
Is it the wine I drank?
Is it the walnuts I ate?
Do I even have ADHD and could it have been hypothyroidism all along?
Is it the constant stress?
Is it all the PCB’s in everything?
Is it age?
Is it the amalgam fillings in my teeth?
Is it the fluoride in the water?
Is it hereditary or genetic?
Is it the Pepsi?

Or is it that women are like honey bees and we are sensitive to all these things and no one cause can ever be pinpointed as it is the bio-accumulative effect of all things. Continue reading

On Your Customers Blowing Gaskets

Why does an issue have to reach epic proportions before a solution that was requested from the beginning and could have been implemented immediately when the problem first arose when the company or person who caused the problem was contacted?

It seems in this day and age the larger the company the more the problems and their customer service albeit great is not at times helpful.

I would never dream of trying to upsell a customer when they are frantically experiencing recurrent issues. I couldn’t imagine saying to Customer Bob after they wrote asking where their order was “Well, that happens sometimes, perhaps next time you should consider purchasing Express shipping. If you need any more help… just let me know.”

In this circumstance Customer Bob likely would have opened a claim with Paypal and perhaps began bad mouthing me on the internet about something that I have no control over which in this case is postal shipping times. Continue reading