Category Archives: angry

Last night I went out and used copious amounts of illegal drugs

And today I am paying for it, needing to dose every half hour or so, so as to not go into remission and suffer through withdrawal.

It’s awful. I thought I’d be OK going to that party last night where I knew there would be GHB. Someone asked me if I wanted a shot and I said no then another person asked me again and I said no again. I should have just left that party. I should have just walked home. Then another person asked saying “Oh, Jessica, it’ll be OK” proceeding to explain that he was addicted to and now only takes it when he’s around other people. I caved, and said yes thinking it would be OK just this once.

And just like that…

…I’m completely addicted to GHB again.

I’d be a FOOL to even try that drug again with 1679 days sober off that stinking drug.

Complications in life rant balanced out with some positive notes and drawings

It began a few weeks ago as simply a feeling of being tired and overwhelmed. Then it progressed into exhaustion and not being able to keep up with myself or rather do all the things I wanted no needed to do. After a week or so a slight sore throat developed and that too went away but the tiredness remained.

Usually a day or two before a sickness takes a real hold of me I tend to get this adrenaline rush and feel so physically awesome running around and do so much in such a short period of time like today is the last day that I’ll ever be alive and everything I ever wanted to do must be done now! Sadly, deep down inside on that day I know that I’m going to crash pretty hard and boy the crash has been long winded this time around.
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An open letter to Media Temple

Dear MediaTemple,

Today is Day 5 of server outages, latency in load times, ftp problems, time outs and 403 and 404 errors. You have been excellent with updating both the status blog with the *issues aforementioned that are affecting Cluster 4 Segment 1 which is where my blog is hosted with you and in updating my private support ticket right from the beginning. And you were very kind with that offer you DM’ed me on Twitter, however I’m reluctant to accept it as this downtime has made me feel threatened to continue hosting with you… to be honest.

I’m not a bandwidth hog nor do I even use your email services and the latter being a choice I’m glad I made as your email services seem to be most affected with these most recent outages. But what if… I needed email? I am paying for that service right?

Two days ago when I thought cluster 4 Segment 1 got the green light I began working and updated my WordPress blogging software to 2.9.1 to keep my blog secure and lost all the text based widgets from my sidebar. I’ve never had an issue with updating WordPress before and have never lost any sidebar widgets during an update until two days ago. It looks like I don’t buy handmade, have an Etsy shop or belong to 9rules with the middle one being the most important as that little art shop supports me financially and was the most clicked on image on this blog.

My hosting is set to expire with you in a couple of weeks. And sadly, I don’t know what to do because I’m not a tech person but an artist who simply enjoys creating content and sharing that content with her readers. If I can’t share I’m not happy and neither are my readers.

I’m feeling angry, sad and disillusioned about you. I’m not sure how to proceed.

Perhaps you could place my logo on the front page of mediatemple.net, alongside your coprorate clientele and show how much you appreciate my business and let your future clients see the human side of MT. You can grab my logo (which under normal circumstances is **located in my sidebar) right here within this post. How about that! And maybe you could place two other business logos chosen from the affected Cluster 4 Segment 1 and put them up there to.

You could even go so far as to begin getting to know your smaller business clientele who in reality are the backbone of your company on a monthly basis by interviewing a few of us and publishing that interview to your blog. Get to know us and help us grow and in turn you’ll grow to because we’ll need bigger services from you :)

Because at the moment we little one’s are talking on twitter and we don’t seem to be too happy.

I’m a business owner and deal with the same things you are dealing with right now. Do the right thing MT.

Thank you for reading.

sincerely,
Jessica Doyle

*issues have been occurring during the last year, however this one has gone into record breaking overtime
**please read paragraph 3

Dear Apple Computer

I purchased a new 24″ iMac 2.93Ghz, 600GB Hard Drive from you on September 4th, 2009 for $2,149.00 CAD plus an additional $199 CAD for extended insurance coverage. I love my new computer and have loved using apple computers since 1993, when I first used a Quadra in art college.

Here is where the love stops.

I see today that you announce a new-better-faster 27″ iMac 3.06Ghz 1 TERABYTE hard drive priced at $1799.00 CAD that includes a standard wireless keyboard and mouse.

I began crying this evening because this is the third time that I have purchased a new computer from you and this is the third time in 10 years that within 2 months of my purchase you release a new version at a cheaper price point with much more bling and I am not compensated for being ripped off.

The first time I bought a Graphite iMac DV Special Edition 13GB hard drive in the summer of 1999 which was quickly outdated with a new iMac.

The second time I bought a 15″ Titanium Powerbook 60 GB hard drive 1GHZ G4 OS10.3.9 that didn’t come pre-installed with an airport card which I had to buy in January of 2004. The version you released immediately after that had OS10.4, more power and had the airport card pre-installed.

And now you’ve gone and done it again by releasing a new iMac. Seriously Apple, I’m upset and not feeling the love right now. I could use that extra $350 to heat my home this winter and the extra screen space and power and extra hard drive space to create and store pretty illustrations and graphics on. To top it all off, I can’t even use my Firewire 400 external hard drive or my Adobe Creative Suite with my new iMac because it only accepts a Firewire 800 cord and CS1 is incompatible with Snow Leopard.

I’m not impressed, and wish I could stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. You could have told me to wait another month and half before making my purchase. That would have been the honest thing to do.

Three time’s a charm eh?

Power Pus Puss

Twelve year old Missy Two Shoes was viciously attacked last weekend. She is none to happy about losing the ability to blink her right eye after receiving a direct puncture wound to the head between her right side ear and eye.

cat-puncture-wound

The carnage ensued on the backyard deck. I heard the mishap and ran to the rescue of my kitty cat. MEOW! I clapped my hands in fright and screamed in delight when the multi-coloured striped feline assailant fled from sight! Poor Missy Two Shoes would not let me come near, content to perch wide eyed atop of the railing. Now, let me tell you this…

I phoned my Mom and Dad to see about borrowing a car and they drove down as they live but a few blocks away. I comforted Missy while Mom spoke on the phone leaving my number with the answering service for the next *on call vet to return our call. I then noticed the mountains of ghastly fluff all over the deck and sadly it was mostly poor Missy Two Shoes’ grey fur. She wasn’t blinking her right eyelid but her third eyelid sure was. I carried her inside to inspect the rest of her body.

She suffered major scratching to her belly and side and a few other minor dispersed scratches.

The vet called back shortly; saying to wash the wounds with warm soapy water and trim any fur from around it to avoid infection and to bring her in on Tuesday as it was a long weekend here in New Brunswick. I could have brought her in that night however her wounds were not life threatening and she was eating, drinking and purring albeit not quite herself.

I washed her wounds and the puncture began bleeding just, a little bit. The next day the puncture wound had scabbed over and beneath the scab a good sized boil had formed. I washed the wound again gently removing the scab to drain the puss and boy did it ooze olive green!

At the vet on Tuesday afternoon he checked her over, gave her a shot of slow release antibiotics and fed her some minuscule little white pills to aid in repairing the nerve damage above her eye. He said she looked good weighing in at 14lbs! She’s a big kitty! I always find it funny that Missy will not walk into her carrier without being tricked into it. And then at the vet when you take her out she damn well wants back in that carrier immediately.

Power Pus!

The Ball is under control - cat drawing illustration by Jessica Doyle

During the last week I’ve been cleaning that scabbed over for the second time wound all the while watching the furless bump grow into a small grape, and being unable to remove the scab to drain it without hurting her, I just left it in place until it would come off on it’s own.

Well, last night, I sat her on the kitchen table to clean the wound and lightly touched the scab and it blew off into outerspace followed by a green brownish slime landing plop on the floor. Power Pus! I cried “OMG your brains are leaking out of your head!” She sat unable to move, mesmerized likely by the stench of the goo trailing down the side of her furry face. I said “Don’t you run away!” Hoping her amazement would last another 5 seconds until I raced back to her from the sink with a damp cloth to clean her and then the floor up.

Was she ever angry as the realization set in that her brains blew out all over and down the right side of her face. I was thankful she couldn’t blink that right eye for a mere moment as goo was hanging on to her eyelashes. Then the blood came. I didn’t even squeeze or scratch it… it just oozed on it’s own. She wiggled away from me running upstairs to the bedrooms. I ran behind her hoping she’d enter my room and not one of the rental bedrooms, with another wet cloth in hand.

The Happy Ending

cat-laying-stairs

She is beginning to move her eyelid (now that pressure is gone) and the wound, albeit bald and covered in dried blood has not turned into another pustule. She’s a happy kitty!

* living in a smaller city means there is no 24 hour drop-in vet clinic

The cat illustration entitled The Ball is Under Controlwas created by me and is available in my art shop

The Physical Withdrawal VS the Mental Withdrawal

There are no words to describe how I’m feeling these last few days. The physical withdrawal from nicotine was easy. The mental withdrawal is not so easy.

I’m feeling drawn to use substitutes and am not eating enough. Oddly when most people quit smoking they begin eating more. I’m the opposite. I try to control something, e.v.e.r.y.thing…

The first few days I had this low grade anxiety which was tolerable. It’s turned into a massive tight chested fight for my dignity. My concentration is nil. Nada! I really don’t know where to turn. My ADD is rearing it’s ugly head badly and I’m depressed and anxious and tired of reading that it will pass and to do something else instead. I’m sleeping more than I’m awake right now.

And I never did seek treatment after being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This diagnosis was the final one as the GAD, PTSD, Addiction and OCD are all but symptoms of ADD in adult women. How’s that for a mouthful. And most of us aren’t diagnosed until our mid-thirties.

I have an appointment to see a councilor (not free) on Friday and I’m going to make an appointment with my family doc (free) and call West (not free) to get my medical files sent (not free) here.

And really, this struggle is ongoing for me. Most days are good but the last few months have been hard. And yes, I did buy a house but it’s a rent to own agreement. I’m not rich folks… my income is small. I just go without and I don’t know anymore what the reason is that I quit smoking. I regret it because it’s turned all the little molehills into mountains within my mind.

I’ve re-read that book “Easy Way to Quit Smoking” 5 times? It is super easy to quit but not for someone with Mental Health issues.

I feel like my brain is missing it’s jolt. ZAPP… now you can concentrate for an hour uninterrupted. Go be a productive human being Ms. Jessica Doyle.

I must be one of the few people who actually loves to smoke. Frack!

Secret #5 – Stop Smoking

Twenty years have come and gone since I picked up my first cigarette and smoked it. I like it you know.
the taste the feel, the way it filled my lungs and how it circled upwards twirling into the air once exhaled. It has always visually entranced me…

About three years ago I stopped smoking indoors. Yes, the amount I smoked decreased somewhat but that’s not the fucking point. And yes,
I’m somewhat grumpy
somewhat heaving
somewhat lazy and mourning
and saying good bye to a companion whose been by my side
for two
decades

The fallacy of smoking is that it’s wonderful for a person like me who moves from one extreme to another… the harder it is to do something the more I’ll find a way to continue doing it
braving sub-zero temperatures…

72 hours ago I put out my last cigarette.

And for all you Etsy sellers and yes this is on my mind you demonizing little forum writers… not all smokers, smoke inside and not all smokers touch their artwork with smokey hands. I am/was diligent with washing my hands and keeping myself clean.

And maybe I’m lashing out right now. It’s been so quiet. All I want to do is cry but all that does is make me sad and want to curl up into a little ball and sleep. My focus sucks. My creative energy has all but gone into the fog that’s rolling in from the bay outside. My chest feels heavy and I know it’s only because for once I’m getting adequate amounts of oxygen into my lungs. But you know what I want that vile cigarette.

I bought a house this week! Happy! but here I am crying like a baby about a cigarette. Why today is it bugging me so much!

I quit in 1997 for 13 months after my appendix ruptured and was literally rotting inside me. I had morphine to cope with withdrawal so smoking didn’t really matter when I could pump drugs directly into my blood stream.

I quit in 2003 for 19 months using Zyban. Mmm what to say about that except Zyban mentally can mess with your psyche pretty bad. Be for-warned.

I quit for 2 days in 2006. On the third day the DEA raided my office in Vancouver, BC, Canada. Yeah, so I relapsed and began smoking again. Fuck that I said. I want my crutch and I want it now. Those men have rifles pointed at me and there arresting my friends.

so here we are in 2009.
72 hours into quitting and I’m honestly fine.
Are you reading between those lines?
I read a book called “Allen Carr’s EASY way to quit smoking”.
I think it slightly hypnotized me. Needless to say I’m damn lonely right now.
NOT one of my closest girlfriends is a non-smoker.
THEY ALL SMOKE! 90% of the females aged 25 to 45 where I live, smoke.
And guess what!
The men don’t unless they are aged 45 to 65.
WTF?

I’ll tell you though… physical withdrawal from nicotine is NOTHING! It’s a wee little blip in time. It can’t even kill you.

It’s nothing compared to the wee seizures, bone chilling shaking extremities, skin eruptions, low blood pressure, hallucinations and psychosis from GHB withdrawal that can actually kill you dead.

Brain. Fingers. Emotion. Computer?

I feel so sad right now. My emotions have run away with the circus.

My family is away. A very close friend, whom I love, is leaving tomorrow and I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself. And words do not express how frustrating it is that my computer is so freaking slow.

No, the computer is not to slow; my brain and fingers are just too fast for this computer.

My fingers type key commands ever so quickly these days that the mac wheel just keeps turning, turning turning… all the while Photoshop, iPhoto, Firefox, Illustrator, inDesign and umteen other pieces of software refuse to do their job at the speed I need to them to do it in and continue processing processing processing. I don’t even know where to find the key commands in the menus anymore. I learn them, remember them and move on to the next one because it’s efficient.

When you’ve been using a mac since 1994 you become adept at making it work to capacity all the while being very efficient at operating three or more programs at once to get the job done, socialize and be productive.

Well, capacity was reached about TWO years ago!

Can I just freak out and not be calm for one minute.

RARWWWWWWWWWWW!

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10…

And to top it all off most of the online software that would make my job easier is not supported by OSX 10.3.9 which is what I run on a Titanium G4 Laptop from 2003.

Rant done.
Thank you for listening.