Category Archives: Family

Addiction Hurts Just Like Any Other Disease

Birds on wires

There are times when we need to go back to remember how we arrived to, today. Tonight I traveled back to a night that I lived through. On Friday, August 19, 2005 I had written a very convoluted email to my employer essentially giving notice that I quit. That evening turned into night.

Early that Saturday morning I wrote:

3AM Saturday morning

Go play a game he says. But what game do I play. The game of writing comes to mind. I don’t like feeling anxiety and I don’t particularly like the feeling of my heart pounding so hard that it’s going to come out of my chest.

I don’t want to work for blank blank. Maybe he and Eric are right. I should be on meds. Fuck that. I will be ok.

I am having the worst hot flash right now. My feet have been frozen for days and sweating and cold.

However I have had extreme moments of clarity. So clear about where I am and dreams of what I want to do…

I went on to write:

Living with shame, self doubt and anxiety on a daily basis is, in fact slowly killing me.
…inside I’m a thirteen year old girl unable to say no to her mother.

…continuing later with:

When one takes a drug to cope with reality one does not see what is real. Only when one is honest with oneself can one see. Why does clarity come at 3AM in the morning? What causes things to just make since? How is it possible. How is it possible to quit one’s job during an anxiety attack?

On Sunday August 21, 2005 I wrote:

Early morning on day two, 9:15

Yesterday was my first day to regulate my use of G. I was up to taking perhaps 40 caps a day. And I don’t want to die. I want to live to see gorgeous mornings like today. I feel warmth of sun beams caressing my buttocks to feet. I’m clad in a huge white cotton sweater and 3/4 length black stretch pants.

At this time yesterday I was pacing in the apartment and took 4 maybe 10 caps of G unable to shut my mind down nor to accept the many racing thoughts in it. At 12:30 I awoke on the futon somewhat calm knowing I was lucky to be alive. My heart had been beating so fast that night I had begged for death watching myself from afar.

Eric arose at 1:30 and I tried to put on a brave face. I had brushed the dog, and broke down and told him the truth.

When you are addicted… I’m at a loss for words right now. The memory of that weekend has been present in my mind lately. Maybe the weather is stirring it up? Maybe it is because those dates are drawing near? I guess those three days will forever be remembered by me. I think a part of me died that weekend. It makes me so sad, because I can’t comprehend how I got there, in the first place. If it, were not for Eric helping me those first two nights and days of self detoxing at home I would not be here right now. The above are brief entries I wrote in haste during those days. They do not even begin to describe the physical and mental anguish I felt while beginning to taper off G. I knew, and Eric knew if I cut cold turkey I could die from the detox so tapering was the only option. I would not leave my home. I could not eat nor could I sleep. My skin broke out in a hundred pimples and began crawling with sensitivity. All my senses hurt.

I am so sorry Eric that you had to see me that way. I love you.

On Monday morning we went to the doctor for help. I have a journal entry for that day also, which in time I may read and then post. I hope this gives people some insight that addiction is real and that it hurts just like any other disease. And like any other disease you need time to heal, time to remember and then be in the present.

*The painting at the top I painted for Eric a few weeks later in mid September 2005.

Replaced Memories

The clouds lay low on the city today. Their reach covering mountain peaks hundreds of feet climbing into the sky. No tears escape their misty home joining, falling to earth.

My ex-husband occupies my thoughts for brief intense seconds. A memory comes to light then turns a shade of grey. Many years we lived and studied together; almost a third of my life was spent with this man. My love for him is not spoken out loud but remains in memory. It is not possible for humans to turn love off or on. The feeling is always there… it fades over the years lessening in intensity because it is a memory and not part of our daily lives. That same holds true for the love of my grandfather (Papa) who passed away 20 years ago. Both these people I interacted with for an extended amount of time; years long. One is still physically living and the other has passed way but they both still live in my memory.

Love can however switch to another emotion instantly for some people I strongly believe. It is white one moment and black the next. When you receive news that a loved one is ill or has died your love for them instantly changes. You still love them, however the emotion of love could be infected with grief or anger and manifest itself physically through tears or rage. It is also possible for the memory of a such an event to physically cause a change in your mood and stature.

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and from Back East They Come

Eric, myself and my father at Saint John Regional Airport in Jan06 - arrivingMom, me and Dad leaving SJ - Jan06Dad and Eric with black eye - leaving Jan06

My folks and brother are coming to visit Eric and I in Vancouver, all the way from good ‘ole Saint John, New Brunswick. They’ll be flyin’ into Vancouver International Airport mid July. Here are some pictures of my family. Eric recieved a black eye and had damage to his other one by getting it scratched while we were visiting. Saint John is a small industrial city what can I say? It is still my hometown though.

Cans Spinach Baby

PopyePopeye the Sailorman sqeezed [tag]spinach[/tag] out of cans into his mouth swallowing the green processed goo. He had a Girlfriend named Olive Oyle and together they had a baby named Sweat Pea. Much of Popeye is Public Domain now.

It is rather odd that yesterday the words cans, spinach and baby could describe my day. Theses three words bring back fond memories of watching Robin Williams acting as Popeye and Shelly Duvall respectively as Olive Oyle in the 1980 Paramount Pictures and Walt Disney Production of Popeye. 26 years ago – Whoah. I watched it on TV so I must have seen it closer to 1986.

Cans
My friend Tomoko drove in from Port Kells to help me bring back four jumbo sized garbage bags of recyclables to the local redemption centre. Ninety percent of the content within these bags were cans of none other than my favourite soda pop, Pepsi. To make things worse the number of [tag]Pepsi[/tag] cans totaled 666. I am taking this as an omen to cut the Pepsi from my diet for good. All this addiction has done for me is add 30lbs to my body in three monthes. All in all I recieved $42.85 total by taking the cans and bottles back – not too bad.

Spinach
Spinach is good for you. As a child I believe I actually liked cooked spinach however to due fussiness or influence of popular culture I pretended I didn’t like it. Out on the deck Eric and I have planted spinach this year – we both love it cooked or uncooked and it’s grows like a weed even in a plastic container. Tomoko had also planted spinach in her garden. I had leftover from my planting and gave it to her.

We drove out to her house from East Vancouver and began working in her garden planting spinach and separating potted plants she had bought to put in the ground. How fun it is to get your hands and feet dirty! And what a treat to be outside of the city in the sun listening to nothing but tweeting birds, mooing cows and her dog barking at the goats, planting spinach.

Baby
What makes a [tag]baby[/tag] but sperm and an ovum. Tomoko is seven weeks [tag]pregnant[/tag]. I was like wow! I was wondering on the drive out why she was asking if I still plan not to take drugs and her telling me she had cut down on how much she smoked to only a few puffs a day. It didn’t kick in until she told me about the pregnancy.

This makes number two for new pregnancies in my circle. Just last week on Mothers Day Eric’s brother announced that his girlfriend is one month pregnant. I’m gonna be an auntie.

So this leaves me with a thought; can I concieve?

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Happy Easter

Here’s a blast from the past! I dug through my School Treasures scrap book and found a springtime drawing I drew that I happened to win first prize on. I was six years old and in grade one. Gotta love those bumblebees, flowers and butterflies!

Wishing you all a Happy easter bunny rabbit chicken laying egg jesus died born again holiday four day weekend party eating slautering turkey family friend chocalate time…

What ever this day means to you…

Cheers and have a good one!

Jessica xo

After Midnight

12 minutes after 12. Missy snores in her basket squeaking, her fuzzy little kitty paw hanging out. She is adorable.

Surprise

Dee last night messaged me – writing he had a surprise for me.

Tonight the surprise called and later walked through my apartment door. Lala’s in town and gone the saddened frown of not understanding the distance separating us spiritually. Sorries were said and hurts explained. I listened. My eyes glistened. I did not know then what I understand now.

I love you Dee and Lala!

This one’s for you! Created with 600 or so stills… and music composition by me also.

dream.mov

ps – it’s 5.5mb – be patient

Thirty

hot_sauce.png

My brother turns thirty today. He’s two and half years younger than I. I miss you Stephen.

I’ve been putting a box of ‘stuff’ together for him of toys that he used to play with as kid, I bought locally here in Vancouver – cap gun & caps, goo, slinky and marbles. Also found some incredibly hot sauces for when he BBQ’s at his new home. LOL. He loves hot sauce so let his tongue burn with every bite! Also threw in some drawings of mine, dishtowels, alphabet & number magnets, photo albums and floating candles with holder.

These are the two hot sauces I bought from the Gourmet Warehouse. May he have lots of burnin’ fun and a great B-day, although this gift will not get to him for another 10 days or so through Canada Post. He doesn’t have a Computer so he won’t see this but my mother will đŸ˜‰

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