Category Archives: female

For Female Bloggers

Blogging Chicks Blogroll imageI received an email over the weekend from Michelle. My email application of membership has been approved for the Blogging Chicks Blogroll. Yay for women who blog. If you are interested in joining this blogroll, go and visit The Blogging Chicks Blog. I’m looking forward to discovering more female authored blogs.

As I wrote in Updating My Blog to Reflect I have joined an all female Blogroll which can be found on my links page.

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The Baby Story – dog farts and sperm banks

…for *wagonized 😉 xo

There were two times during my life where I found myself wanting to have babies. The first time was during the year 1999. The year before all was to end. The year we were all taught technology was destined to fail; all digital clocks would turn to 01/01/00 reverting back to the year 1900. How could we have been such suckers.

Did you have a Y2K plan? I had a plan. Go up north and live on the family plot of land. Why not, throw a baby into the migration to. I had been married one year. I had survived death two and a half years before. I felt positive. I felt happy. I had been lied to. In the fall of that year, I found the Y2K rumours at their nastiest.

I look to pass blame on people for things that were my choice to make as an adult. It began at 12 and continues on today albeit much milder in form. Maybe it means I’m growing up.

I wanted to have a baby. I was clean, not smoking cigarettes, married, and was calm most of the year leading up to autumn and generally stable, happy, off the birth control pill and waiting. **Dude just wanted to see it fly in the air. OK. There goes some blame. Seriously, it caused anger back then. I wanted a baby. Then I realized this was not going happen. Other interests and desires seemed more attainable. I was running a business with a fellow NBCCD graduate. We were doing well. We had items for sale in boutiques up and down the Eastern Coast of North America.

I look upon this time in my life as a happy memory. I’m writin’ these words and it’s like bubbles of past floating instantly popping. A whole decade has passed. I began smoking. I began having sex with multiple partners. Consensual and great! You see, these times were not only good, they were as real as any other human experience we all could live through.

I wanted to have a baby last year. Then I realized this was not going to happen. Do I want a baby right now? Certainly – I would have to visit a sperm bank in Canada.
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Sitting on a pillow

Sitting on pillow listening to the world.

Drawn using a Pilot G-tec C4 pen onto acid free paper from my journal and photographed on deck.

I spent some time yesterday cleaning up the deck, sweeping the remnants of life into piles of debris. Twigs, dead flowers, cotten tie strings and leaves had found their way down to the deck for the winter. The remaining plants still in pots are hanging on as long as they can until the first frost causes them to wilt, then fall to ground or deck only to be swept away by wind or broom again.

Female Hysteria – Aids that Every Woman Appreciates

Hysteria

Engrossed with hysteria I walked into my councilling session today. I traveled emotionally; climbing mountains reaching the peak only to leap off descending to the valley below. How is it possible for a person to cry, leave their body, and smile within a five minute time frame, all the while not knowing how she traveled from one emotional state to another.

I’m OK. It feels odd to actually state “I’m OK.” I neither understand nor remember the triggers of such outbursts. They come unbidden, uncontrolled and inadvertently end, leaving me to digest the days progression.

My councilor is a beautiful, wise and generous person. She knows my secrets. Are they secrets though? For her yes, I would say indeed they are secrets kept in confidence. For me, shedding secrets strengthens my being. I don’t need to hide. When I hide who I am I fill with fear which leads to anxiety which turns into the inability to make decisions leading to eventual hysteria. That word hysteria I looked up in the wiki simply because I have been feeling hysterical lately. They state:

Hysteria is a diagnostic label applied to a state of mind, one of unmanageable fear or emotional excesses. The fear is often centered on a body part, most often on an imagined problem with that body part (disease is a common complaint). People who are “hysterical” often lose self-control due to the overwhelming fear.

Damn they are good! And Damn I’m good for picking the proper word this evening to describe my consciousness. To take it a step farther I then looked up female hysteria. Having known some background on the subject through reading and discussion with others I believe that Damn, it is all too real today, for perhaps many women in some shape or form. Without release through orgasm everything just builds and builds and builds and then you are essentially a hysterical woman. What would you know that in the earlier part of the century Doctors were rubbing the clitoris of women sometimes for hours to bring on an orgasm, in effect relieving the Hysteria. This practice was a sanctioned medical procedure which lead to the popular invention of the electric vibrator. To my surprise the Sears, Roebuck and Company catalog from 1918 features a whole page devoted to:

sears robuck - aids that every woman appreciates - public domain image

As the years progressed Female Hysteria vanished as a medical diagnosis.

Today different manifestations of hysteria are recognized amongst other things, schizophrenia, conversion disorder and anxiety attacks.

Note the term anxiety attacks. That one hit home. Today I spoke with my councilor about the lack of sex in my relationship with my boyfriend. She mentioned that sex is actually a good way to relieve anxiety and depression. I thought on this and tucked it away in the back of my head ’til later this evening after Eric went to bed. Low and behold that theory holds true! One always hears about how men masturbate once or more times a day; women, you know, could benefit from this practice too!

Side note: Today my talk with my councilor wasn’t just about sex. Sex was all but a small part of it. Sexuality and the need to be able to express desire and pleasure freely has been difficult for me since I sobered up 10 months ago. Tonight, for the first time in a long time I felt secure in expressing these thoughts and ideas that I have been repressing. There is no shame in writing and/or expressing your femininity openly. Thank you Councilor A. I welcome feedback and discussion on this. Cheers!

Image credits
1. Hysteria – Jessica Doyle – 2006 – Ink on Paper
2. Aids That Every Woman Appreciates – Sears, Roebuck and Company catalog, 1918 – This image is Public Domain

For vintage and antique items visit my vintage shop and to buy art or paper goods to decorate your home with do peruse my fine art shop or download and print your own beautiful art from HandmadeCloud.

Tomorrow’s Weight

I did it.

As many of you know I’ve been battling a sort of Pepsi addiction over the past few monthes. It has got to a point where I am drinking upwards of 12 plus cans a day. Today, however marks the first day I have not had any Pepsi. I have a feeling just cutting out the soda pop will have a positive effect on my waistline.

I joined a list of dieters this evening after getting back from my walk. Tomorrow I will be posting my weight, height, BMI and yes the dreaded measurements. What better way to lose weight than go public with it. Every week on Tuesday everyone involved will be posting their progress and tips on their respective websites. Even if you are not looking to lose weight but would like to support us please join the list. You can also read Colin D. Devroe’s original post on the Diet!

Good luck to everyone!

Menstruation, Period, Blood

In celebration of women’s monthly shades of red blood, seeping, flowing or leaking from yes, our vagina; are some thoughts, links and controversies for you to read.

For any of you who are using tampons please consider switching to a reusable pad or a menstral cup. I stopped using brand name tampons and pads about five years ago. To my surprise my monthly one to two week long yeast infections disapeared along with the unbearable dryness, pain and itchiness tampon use had done to me. Why in the world would human beings create such an awful bleached cotton/rayon tube shaped diaper sponge to shove up your vagina? Why would women choose to use this environmentally unfriendly toss away product that fits into your jeans pocket so the boys won’t know you have your period while in high school? Tampons dry you out. They absorb not just the blood but the good mucous, lining the walls of your vagina. Every time you insert one and then remove it you scrape the lining of your vagina irritating it. Tampons leak. They cause odour and could cause Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Why do feminine product commercials only show blue watery liquid being poured out of a glass onto a pad? I’ve never in my life experienced a period that has been chlorine blue and watery thin that came out of a glass cup or beaker. On the contrary it is thick, multi-coloured red goo, cream and bubble textured. What is yours like?

I use what is called a menstral cup (Keeper). It is a reusable soft menstral cup about the size of a plum used for up to 12 hours a day that has up to a ten year life expectancy. That means you take it out in the morning, emtpy it’s contents in the toilet, rinse and re-insert until the evening. I have not used a pad nor tampon in five years. I payed for it once. I’m not filling up the landfills monthly. I’m not in need of lubricants or yeast control meds. Above all, my vagina is happier. After every cycle you simply wash it with hot water and soap, rinse with water thoroughly, then mix one tablespoon of vinegar in one cup of water and place the keeper in it for a few hours. This disinfects it. Simple eh?

Please compare tampons and menstral cups. Check out the Museum of Menstruation & Women’s Health to see what women have used, experienced and been sold throughout the ages. The old advertisements will make you laugh and perhaps even shock you, but more seriously this site will make you think. Here are all the topics they cover!

In the 1930’s reusable was loosing it’s battle with disposable in the corporate/capitalist world. Why would someone build or create something that could last for 10 years when you could create something to be used for five to eight hours and then have to pay to have it replaced again and again? This philosophy does not just apply to tampon and pad manufacturing, it is relevant to most industries today; i.e. cars, clothing, diapers, razors, plasticware, furniture and technology based products. We live in a world of ever improving swiffers. What happened to just using a good ole mop?

Sober since August 26th, 2005.

This is me 11

Today is day 200. I’ve been clean of GHB for 200 days. I’m proud of that fact. I used once three weeks into my sobriety and re-committed again. I had two glasses of wine this past weekend on Saturday night and have re-committed again. I find myself hitting a tuff spot. It’s not that I want the G back but I find myself searching for something, anything to change or alter my state of mind. This feeling is familiar to me, 20 years familiar. Truth is, it feels like my life has been cycling in three or four year cycles. I’m in the down time right now. More than ever I know it’s crucial to keep going and focus. Focus being the elusive enlightenment I crave the most.

This is me 21

My ex-husband used to say, I would look for problems when there was none to be found, only happy in a tumultuous non-routine life. Today, f@#$! Am I searching for someone to blame… You betcha! Who in their right mind wants to blame themselves. I’ve been blaming myself most of my life! I don’t understand why it’s not ok to talk about addiction and/or mental disease. If sites like http://www.recovery.com talk about it all the time, why don’t we?

But who is saying it’s not OK? Is it you? Or is it me? Is it an ideal created by society? Such as what fashions are OK to wear and what ones are not?

I’m so tired of hiding the crazy side in me. It’s agonizing. I am so scared of what people will think? OMG! I have to let that go. I don’t even know who these people are. Are you one of the ones who will judge me because I’m crazy and like to wear orange pants on occasion? OK this is making me laugh. It’s been difficult to write by hand lately in my journal. I have this online journal now. I’ve been swaying back and forth, to and fro to write or not to write about what I want to write about online. Well – decision made.

This is me 3

This is the web space I payed for. Money. f@#$. See I’m censoring myself. For who?

Fuck I feel better. There.

On to business. There is this project I’ve been planning to undertake for the past two years perhaps, of typing into the computer all of my journal entries, so they are digitized. I will be able to edit them better that way. Who knows, maybe I’ll be the next James Fry. A Million Little Pieces, whether non-fiction or not, is only so, in the eyes of the beholder reading it. This book held my attention for five days until I finished reading it! He understands.

Another book I could not put down was “Addicted – notes from the belly of the beast”. It is a collection of short ‘true’ stories of writers lives and the addictions they have succumbed too, lived with, recovered from or are still dealing with.

The more one reads, reaches out, talks about the more one understand and accepts. Knowing I am not alone in my struggles and joy is inspirational.

Perhaps, drug use and the creative mind go hand in hand?