Category Archives: GHB

The Medicine of Duck Duck Goose

So thank you everyone for the kind words and for sharing your hypothyroidism stories here on the blog, on Google Buzz and in email with me. The hardest part in all of this is accepting it and thus moving forward with changes I must make to my daily routines and eating habits.

I have many questions and concerns that seem to be unanswered at the moment or are answered in a way that brings up more questions or the answers just haven’t sunk in, yet.

Can I take a pro-biotic with Synthroid in the morning as it’s to be taken on an empty stomach and first thing in the morning too? I take two 10,000,000 billion active cells capsules that contain both acidopholus and bifidus. This has kept Chron’s disease in remission for 14 years and I do not want to stop taking it as it works.

And what about Calcium? I was taking 500mg of calcium carbonate/citrate w/ vitamin D daily and used to take it first thing in the morning too at the recommendation of my family doctor in Vancouver, due to a family history of early onset osteoporosis. When do I take this supplement if I can’t take it with Synthroid? Is it safe to take it at all while on Synthroid? Do I take it before I go to bed instead? Is that safe? Continue reading

Chasing the dragon for the last five years

Chasing the Dragon Illustration by artist Jessica Doyle yellow, blue, green

Today marks five years sobriety for me off of GHB.

I drew this dragon five months ago. I added the watercolour five days ago and the image just screamed chasing the dragon once the colours began popping it to life. It still needs more work mind you… Subconsciously, I still chase that illusive dragon when working, creating or even when alone thinking or researching. When what I’m working on, creating, thinking or researching climaxes, I certainly do, feel high and struggle to get to the end. I almost can’t contain myself at times and must run outside to smoke a cigarette and sadly, nicotine is the worst drug of all, as it doesn’t even make you high.

I silently research drugs, their uses and legalities. I consider it a hobby and when I feel the need to use a substance that most certainly will cause me angst, I read back in my journals about the gruesome detox and agony I suffered through for months when sobering up from GHB.

It’s not a pleasant experience to break out in painful large blisters and pimples all over your back, arms and legs and to lose feeling in your extremities and watch your fingers and toes go blue from slowed blood circulation as you reduce your dose of GHB slowly and by half each day for one week at home. It’s not human to recoil into an infantile state regressing to points in one life while awake or asleep when bad things happened only to have to vividly relive them again and again until you aged and moved onwards to the next abuse or trauma.

Process of chasing the dragon illustration by artist Jessica Doyle winsor and Newton watercolour blue green

And I certainly don’t miss the need to dose every half hour at times and the need to overdose just to sleep for two hours at a time or the constant fear of knowing that I would die from sudden withdrawal without GHB running through my system if my drug dealer ran out of it or I forgot my bottle at home after leaving the house for that day. I would return home for the bottle. Always. You hit a certain point with GHB addiction where there is no turning back to just recreational use. Missing a dose can send you into convulsions. Missing a dose can stop your heart from beating. Missing a dose can take your breath away forever. While taking too much can make you fall asleep and go into a coma.

I do miss the first five months of the addiction; the time when everything was wonderful, my brain worked properly and life seemed easier even if it was only a charade.

And most of all, I DO NOT REGRET taking GHB or becoming addicted to it as there were times when it, was perfect.

Over the years people have said to me why not take a Xanax or a Valium to calm down. Are you kidding me? Really, offering a sedative to someone who was addicted to them for two full years (albeit the illegal kind) is like offering a recovered heroin addict a T1 or an alcoholic a just a small shot of whiskey.

Studio of artist Jessica Doyle showing chasing the dragon illustration paint watercolour acrylic

So, chasing the dragon is akin to being amongst the living.

Chasing the dragon is a work in progress. Thus far the mediums used are Faber Castell Pitt Artist Pens and Winsor and Newton watercolour on Arches watercolour paper. It measures 8×10 inches (20,3cm by 25,4cm). And I do not ever smoke inside. My household is a strict non-smoking and scent free home.

The programs offered by addiction treatment centers are designed to help treat addiction to any kind of illicit drug.

The end of innocence or why we grow potatoes

Many anniversaries precariously show their face to me during this time of year when summer begins to end and everything alive turns crunchy beneath your feet as it withers and dies.

What am I trying to say? August 26, 2009 passed just as any other day yet it did mark four years sobriety and it was nine years ago that day that I moved out and left my ex-husband. September 5, 2009 still looms in the near future and with it comes the painful memory of my appendix rotting and doctors telling me there was no sign of Crohn’s and that it was just a bad case of gangrenous appendicitis. Right! Three weeks later in 1997 I was having 11 inches of bowel removed and weighed a ghastly 98 pounds. Sorry, but you doctors at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Halifax should never have sent me home to Fredericton. I wasn’t even eating solid food eight days post-op after you silly doctors cut and stapled my abdomen crooked.

If I had remained a wife, September 5th, would’ve marked my eleventh wedding anniversary.

Today… today…
I, saw him again
Today
Today…

So what do you do when memories cloud your judgment? I turned inwards and let it ride and grew some purple skinned potatoes with my mom.

3 Ways to Positively Change You

1. Don’t visit the Etsy forums. EVER. period.

These days the Etsy forums resemble a mad hatters tea party on acid except everyone is serving nastiness and it’s become non-positive in every way shape and form. I can’t weed out the negative anymore. They can and will suck your creative spirit dry. As of today I will no longer peruse them. Good Bye!

2. Don’t sign up for Plenty of Fish.

I signed up last year. Then after three weeks of idiots never logged back in until two weeks ago. The idiocy has begun anew with a vengeance. To deter the idiots I made my profile mean (brutally honest). The idiots multiplied. How is this possible that such a small community as Saint John, New Brunswick is so full of rednecks! Moments ago I deactivated my account.

3. Don’t overexpose yourself to noise and crowds.

I love all the people in my life. Don’t get me wrong on this. My social life has been increasing more than I can handle both online and offline. Clubs. Parties. Weddings. Get-togethers. Family Gatherings. Drunk people. Loud Music. POF. Etsy forums. My creativity has seriously wained as a consequence. Thus, it is time to hibernate picking up and using flickr, blog and pen. I need some down time. Really. Badly. I sleep with ear plugs and my cat. I like it quiet just like that.

Just by doing those three things listed above I am adjusting my aura. To much socializing and not enough time alone to re-energize will make me sick. I learned while in treatment for anxiety and addiction that I am an introvert which simply means I need much more alone time and one on one time in small groups than 90% of the rest of the world who are extroverted and need people time all the time to re-energize.

This fact is good. This realization, that I am on the road to an unhealthy lifestyle makes me smile. Haha! Because I realize it and have pinpointed the three main sources of my anxiety. Now, I put it into practice by focusing on the good things.

I feel normal. As most normal people know when enough is enough. Much of my life I didn’t know what was enough or what was lacking. To “know” this empowers me to move into action creating masterpieces for your walls!

Life is an ebb and flow of ideas, choice and change.

In eight days I will be sober of GHB for three years. How about that!

Image credit – Aura, Acrylic painting on 2 by 2 foot board by me, Jessica Doyle. Both the original painting and prints are available in my art shop.

967 days later…

Memories accumulate over time interlacing overlapping each other causing fog to form at the base of one’s understanding. We see people in passing who at one time understood us; perhaps even loved us and whom we used to love to. They dwell between the nether regions of our souls; a place dark perhaps distraught from years of neglect and solitude.

When you see what it really is
that is what you’ll “get”
Got it?

I don’t know why I saw her tonight. I don’t know why she was there dancing. I couldn’t understand the memories that surged yet understood why and how they became.

We ingested copious amounts of drugs together. We partied days at a time. Not hours. Nor evenings. Days. 72 hours? 3 days turned into weeks for me. Months. Years. Passed.

It broke tonight. The craving for intoxication. Annihilation. Emptiness. I saw her and all that was is. All that will be was forgotten.

Nine hundred and sixty seven days later I remain sober of GHB.

Fuck, the last two weeks became stupendously hard for me and I don’t know why. It was all I could do but work, draw, write, sleep, not sleep, be, not be, freak silently while the cravings raced over me, through me and around me. How can this be? How!!! Talking to someone here in this freaking city is irrelevant. People here in this small town have no clue. NONE.

So, I will talk to you. You who will not judge, nor react. You who will accept. You the unknown, the present tense of life.

It melted away tonight. As quickly as it hit, two weeks later it melted, evaporated. It’s been a long long time since I’ve craved like this. Maybe the longest it has ever lasted since I quit. The whole of the month of April, 2008 has nearly strangled me with… the words just don’t exist to continue writing right now.

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How do you clean your mind?

I began, a few moments ago, thinking about how I wished I could remove my brain, throw it in the wash with detergent and later dry it outside on the line in the crisp autumn air.

I can’t literally do that though and that fact irks me especially after a day like today.

I am only able to wash my skin if dirty, exercise if fat and eat if hungry. The mind is different and yes, every one of those things affects the mind indirectly but they cannot immediately rid it of dirt.

This got me thinking about drugs and how I crave them during moments of high stress. Yes, moments, for the urge can pass to instantaneously fix the sleepiness, stupidness or inattentiveness. On days like today though the moments turned into hours and the 15 minute break worked for about 15 minutes upon my return to working. I know, I know there will be days like these.

I wish I had that little bottle on days like these. I wish I had my magic potion. I wish I could sip it into oblivion and be unaware of my own existence, only conscious of other’s insistence.

Today I found two pennies.

How to misuse G by Seth Godin

On Blog Catalog whilst peeking around I read How do you create links to your blog?. I had to read it.

Andy Beard mentions subscribership and Rich links to:

In more general terms, I think I would lean to Seth Godin’s take on it: http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2007/05/how_to_misuse_g.html

I click the link and read about Google, not GHB. Google. Google Analytics. GA not GHB.

You got me by surprise. Dammit. :)

How to misuse *G:
-begin using G.

*G – slang word for GHB and now it seems Google addicts are adopting…

Mindfulness and reaction time

I want to control my own mind.

Think about that sentence.

Before the addiction there was anxiety. The addiction came after. What does this mean? I am nearing 18 months of sobriety from GHB addiction. Is this important to write out; to meander upon and discuss with oneself? Thinking it out does NOT work for me. I need to be executing. After reading (edit – I’ll add the links for this after I eat supper)

At 19 months an addiction lost feels like this:

It feels like a close realistic dream. I remember that person. I think about her. It seems real beyond conscious recognition. I have been fighting this lately. When things become good. fear evades and scrambles the viewfinder. I am that person and not that person. The past to present only through memory. It’s all in the mind you know. And it really is. The pulls-sets up for speeding up your emotions. Heightening reaction. Is this how normal people feel? Are your emotions that strong? I am dead serious. Because I cannot remember being this insane; an insanity of the brain. A stain that just won’t wash out.

To combat addiction do this

I have begun actively exercising. The weather is warm. Walking is good.

I walked 10K this past weekend. Sun was-soo good.

I fit into my clothes again without purchasing new clothes to compensate for my weight gain during last year. Goal achieved. Guesstimated savings – 200 per month. I don’t remember when the last time was that I purchased clothing from a retailer of new apparel.

At 29 I began only purchasing new clothing that was wear proof, that is; would last a longer amount of time and not fall apart at the seams or have any buttons fall off during the first year of ownership. I like clothing. You can purchase clothing that outlives trend, reaching classic style.

I, am my mind.
You, are your mind.
My mind to your mind.

mindfulness?

or

mind-melding?

Weird things happen to addicts. Even weirder things happen to normal people so it seems.

Reflection upon those things won’t kill you either. I nearly killed myself using GHB. I wanted to kill the person I became. Addiction isn’t pretty and it isn’t fun. Getting there was damn fun. Once there in the midst of it all you’ll say good bye to your whole life and become the drug you sought after all. The drug isn’t you. But you can be the drug. I used drugs or alcohol for 18 years because it worked. It worked so damn well I became it. Damn that makes me angry. I don’t know who that person is and she recorded it as I do today. It is really the only way to come to a conclusion of any kind pertaining to one’s psyche and two, self.

To be a human being, is to be one.