When you haven’t written in so long it’s easier to keep on not writing. But, in the back of your mind, the words and letters keep churning and jumbling up and into empty space until you get them written down in a tangible form. While I have been drawing pictures, it’s the words that weren’t making sense to me and therefore I did not write.
These last six months have been nothing but life changing. I haven’t found God or anything like that but I have found the courage to live more honestly and to trust in those people whom, let me, into their lives. You can’t help but wonder how you could have lived the way you did for such a long time repeating gesture after gesture after ever after.
There is solace in repetitive movement and even in the the state of inaction… the ticks, the drinks, the inhalations, the thoughts, the running, the drawing, the writing, the eating, the frantic screaming, it all soothes anxiety and mends the hearts of troubled souls irregardless of how temporary or destructive in nature this self-soothing may be. We can only go on circling for so long in a state of chaos before spinning out.
So, last night I made some chunky orange lemon marmelade from scratch. That sums up my everything.
AND FYI… Handmade 2013 desk and wall calendars are listed for sale in the shop.
The Marmelade recipe I adapted from the Mad Scientist and home Cooking. Also, I used an extra amount or orange peelings that I have been freezing over the last few months. If you are going to make marmalade DO USE certified organic citrus fruit as the peelings are not sprayed or died.
So I’ve learned something.
I went to Kauai to find answers, not really even knowing what my questions were, but feeling like there was something I was missing that I needed to find. Or maybe I needed to be found. One of those. I don’t know.
I wait for answers too often. If I want something to happen, I assume things are simply going to work out, eventually. Someone or something will swoop in with neon signs and arrows showing me every step of the way.
But clearly, for awhile now, I’ve been unhappy. I’ve felt unsettled and awkward, almost like I was intentionally avoiding something. And for the first few days in Kauai, I wasn’t settled either. I was thrilled to be there, of course, but I felt a little like I was phoning it in. The truth was, I was starting to panic. What if I didn’t find answers here? WHAT IF THERE WERE NO ANSWERS?! Gack. Continue reading
Someone said this to me once as he was picking up a piece of food from the ground, he had but dropped a moment earlier. I had to laugh. I laughed.
God made dirt, so dirt won’t hurt.
He believed this. He did not get hurt from eating the dirty piece of food from the ground on the trail we were hiking on.
I have been asking myself many questions as of late. Do the questions ever stop? Sometimes they do. I have had a long held belief that I am not worthy of making money. Where this belief came from I cannot remember. All I know is this, I need money to survive in this world. It is a dog eat dog world out there. A woman said “I deserve to make a living financially.”
So does the five second rule exist? Maybe you believe in the 10 second rule? Maybe you believe in the 3 second, pick-the-food up and wash it rule?