Why do things disapear. You type, you type, you type. Close the window. Realize you didn’t hit command “S”. Gone. Where does that text actually go in WordPress? Why if you don’t save the post, it does not automatically save it, if you happen to navigate away, arriving back to said page as the closings of tabs consume your fingerly fury. Form does not equal function for an artist using wordpress. When I write by hand I do not need to think of saving such. When written upon pixels, memory is but a mistake away.
The lines are gone that once were written.
-REST IN PEACE-
post of early 2007
you arrose out of tears for fears
that seem somehow forgotton now
a mere semblance of your former self.
The paragraph below describes my feelings today, and rather well I might say. Bridgett Walther must be reading my mind. In the least she is one heluva(n) astrologer.
For November 9: At first blush this morning, you might feel a bit woozy or out of your league. That blurry feeling passes pretty quickly. In fact, by mid morning, you’re back in the saddle and ready to declare yourself the new sheriff in town. Although that declaration might be a touch premature, your growing feelings of confidence are absolutely justified. You’re beginning to experience the glimmer of coming into your own power and worth. And just think: it’s only going to get better during the next couple weeks!
Yesterday was a lot of fun. I never had so many people come by to say hi on my site before. Thank you all for the Birthday wishes.
As busy as I was online I was busy offline yesterday. My family called to wish me the best on the phone for an hour. A few friends came by on and off throughout the day to say Happy Birthday and bringing with them some cheer. My email inbox had some interesting e-greetings in it that made me laugh. And sadly… Eric and I were too pooped and fell asleep before we had a chance to…
On another note seeing as I am an adult of 33 years of age now. The other day I noticed over on girlspoke the other day an 18+ sign. I clicked it and was greeted with some terms and conditions. I am strongly leaning towards adding an 18+ sign to this site as well.
I am an adult. This site is written by an adult. Therefore it is an adult site.
I am woman. Hear me
ROAR! write! 😉
I am open to discussion about this 18+ rating. What are your thoughts on the manner? Do you feel it is necessary or for that matter legally needed?
The odd thing is, one does not truly appreciate how anxious one was before it peaks. It literally orgasms. Tears are shed. Pacing ensues. One wonders if one will die. Momentarily. Ya laugh. ha ha, only to cry again. ah ah. Physically moving breaks the attack.
What if the attack began a few weeks earlier. What if it built in strength herding ideas, vehimiently gathering stimuli. What if it lasts an average two weeks out of every month. What if one doesn’t care that it lasts two weeks. The upside of anger is this exactly.
Eric was home all last week from work with a pretty serious case of pink eye. It is rather hilarious to see a man of six foot two be unable to do the simplest things such as drive or watch TV. He is addicted to TV. From Monday to Wednesday he was unable to open his eye for longer than a few seconds. When I went over to turn the noise and image machine off he would whine out from underneath his hideout of pillows and blankets “leave it ONNNNNN!”. I said but you are not watching it. He replied he was listening to it. Good God. lol.
My last weigh in at the doctor was a whopping ???lbs. Woot to me eh? So who and what can I blame my 32 year old bodies shape on? Paxil, Pepsi and a creative mind’s favorite word, procastination. At this moment in time I want to say I would still like to be a part of the diet, however I am not going to set a goal. I am just going to live and let living be my guide.
Doing things to fast causes me to backtrack into the recesses of my mind. I began this diet very fast and very furiously. I was in hyper mode. LOL. Anxiety was ruling my daily activities rather than doing I was thinking and re-thinking myself into oblivion. I took a break from posting to The Diet and would like to resume posting to it today and hopefully in the least, write bi-weekly updates.
I have been active but not as physically active as I was before. My mind has changed from that of an anxiety ridden mind to that of a I can’t keep up with my ideas now mind. The paxil has done a good job of controlling my anxiety. I miss though anxious moments of thought that would drive me to create with all those ideas I have. My brain works pretty good. Lot’s of ideas. Procastination has become a way of life over the last couple of monthes in the sense that it is very very difficult to organize my thoughts coherantly and get them out. Maybe the paxil has relaxed me to a point where nothing matters anymore physically. Without physically acting on my mentally engineered ideas, how the hell am I to lose weight, write, paint…
September 2001. High on weekends.
Homeless so to speak.
I ran away
I stumbled. hesitated. fractured into too many pieces.
unable to contain them all – but one got away.
I’m still looking for that piece
images, flashes, deformities and laughless.
It was a movie I thought.
I was watching a movie and I thought briefly that I was in a movie watching this movie of two towers blowing up. falling down.
I’m in a starngers house.
His sister calls from LA
We realize we are watching NY
This time of year is so beautiful. All things alive are growing and reaching their full potential. It is a time of memory, maybe from the year before or earlier. My hands are dirty as I write tonight. Dirty with sugestion and afterthought in not acting on forthought. It is becoming clear how all things we do as human beings or experience during our lifetimes could be considered common. Can something in a bottle actually aid in the process of discovery and self realization? Not the illegal kind but of the prescribed kind.
It is kind of like reaching a plateau. One walks the circumpherence, looks out and down. As to not looking up one could guess that he is on top. He is on top. Why would he want to descend down. Why is down considered bad? What makes the top better? Even his heartrate could be ascending wildly then down, down down. It bounces upwards again. One can see this if represented on a graph; a live graph. But he can hear it. Beat. ba. beat. ba. beat. Are heart beats similar to mankinds own desire?
Sometimes couldn’t it be possible that it is not a pointy graph. I think it should have more curves. An ocean’s tide; the waves… None of these things stop abruptly. It is not one point travelling fuck. It is a rythmical not a cacophany of life.
cough. ca ca cough
Why are you doing this? Being an artist is not unlike any other job or carreer path one chooses or is drawn to . Being financially secure and able to pay your rent or student loan debt is what many of us are faced with regardless of your trade or background. To be able to purchase necessities such as food, shelter, supplies for your trade and formost continue to create; utilizing your skills, talent and education to further understand human nature, technology, compassion and emotion culminates into what could be something that others find useful or needed or simply put, can add to and learn from also.