Category Archives: RIP

Chasing the dragon for the last five years

Chasing the Dragon Illustration by artist Jessica Doyle yellow, blue, green

Today marks five years sobriety for me off of GHB.

I drew this dragon five months ago. I added the watercolour five days ago and the image just screamed chasing the dragon once the colours began popping it to life. It still needs more work mind you… Subconsciously, I still chase that illusive dragon when working, creating or even when alone thinking or researching. When what I’m working on, creating, thinking or researching climaxes, I certainly do, feel high and struggle to get to the end. I almost can’t contain myself at times and must run outside to smoke a cigarette and sadly, nicotine is the worst drug of all, as it doesn’t even make you high.

I silently research drugs, their uses and legalities. I consider it a hobby and when I feel the need to use a substance that most certainly will cause me angst, I read back in my journals about the gruesome detox and agony I suffered through for months when sobering up from GHB.

It’s not a pleasant experience to break out in painful large blisters and pimples all over your back, arms and legs and to lose feeling in your extremities and watch your fingers and toes go blue from slowed blood circulation as you reduce your dose of GHB slowly and by half each day for one week at home. It’s not human to recoil into an infantile state regressing to points in one life while awake or asleep when bad things happened only to have to vividly relive them again and again until you aged and moved onwards to the next abuse or trauma.

Process of chasing the dragon illustration by artist Jessica Doyle winsor and Newton watercolour blue green

And I certainly don’t miss the need to dose every half hour at times and the need to overdose just to sleep for two hours at a time or the constant fear of knowing that I would die from sudden withdrawal without GHB running through my system if my drug dealer ran out of it or I forgot my bottle at home after leaving the house for that day. I would return home for the bottle. Always. You hit a certain point with GHB addiction where there is no turning back to just recreational use. Missing a dose can send you into convulsions. Missing a dose can stop your heart from beating. Missing a dose can take your breath away forever. While taking too much can make you fall asleep and go into a coma.

I do miss the first five months of the addiction; the time when everything was wonderful, my brain worked properly and life seemed easier even if it was only a charade.

And most of all, I DO NOT REGRET taking GHB or becoming addicted to it as there were times when it, was perfect.

Over the years people have said to me why not take a Xanax or a Valium to calm down. Are you kidding me? Really, offering a sedative to someone who was addicted to them for two full years (albeit the illegal kind) is like offering a recovered heroin addict a T1 or an alcoholic a just a small shot of whiskey.

Studio of artist Jessica Doyle showing chasing the dragon illustration paint watercolour acrylic

So, chasing the dragon is akin to being amongst the living.

Chasing the dragon is a work in progress. Thus far the mediums used are Faber Castell Pitt Artist Pens and Winsor and Newton watercolour on Arches watercolour paper. It measures 8×10 inches (20,3cm by 25,4cm). And I do not ever smoke inside. My household is a strict non-smoking and scent free home.

The programs offered by addiction treatment centers are designed to help treat addiction to any kind of illicit drug.

At 09:10 Eastern Standard Time my Grandmother, Edith Keary, Died

Grammie and Me

Up until last Friday she had been living on her own. I miss her to pieces right now. We often joked about life, about love and about religion. She had a beautiful aura surrounding her everyday.

Oh, she could make me smile.

This is she and I in the photographs. They were taken by my mother in July of 2007. The one below I snapped on boxing day, 2007. She is so beautiful.

Grammie - RIP - December 25, 1904 to February 2, 2008

I remember being nine years old and staying overnight at her home. The next day we awoke and decided to go shopping. Grammie asked if I wanted to get my ears pierced. I said “Yes!”. We went together to the beauty salon and I winced as the esthetician stuck my first ear then the other, piercing them with little topaz gems embedded in gold studs. I was ecstatic.

I held my grandmothers hand last night while stroking her face and hair.

I love you Grammie.
xo
Jessica

Edith Keary – Age 93
Born – December 25, 1914
Died – February 02, 2008

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RIP – post of early 2007

Why do things disapear. You type, you type, you type. Close the window. Realize you didn’t hit command “S”. Gone. Where does that text actually go in WordPress? Why if you don’t save the post, it does not automatically save it, if you happen to navigate away, arriving back to said page as the closings of tabs consume your fingerly fury. Form does not equal function for an artist using wordpress. When I write by hand I do not need to think of saving such. When written upon pixels, memory is but a mistake away.

rip_post_2007_jessicad.jpg

The lines are gone that once were written.

-REST IN PEACE-
post of early 2007

you arrose out of tears for fears
that seem somehow forgotton now
a mere semblance of your former self.