Indignity can stem from not doing the things you want to do. You begin taking on someone else’s creation when you are not whom you are. Really, don’t you think that when you are feeling out of sorts and not choosing to be who you are then don’t you think it’s rather unbecoming of your personage you portray to the world. Why lie about who you are?

From time to time we all wonder why; that is, why we are the way we are. I have. I combat this thinking by doing.

I’m battling just that by creating art digitally rather than by traditional means by way of paper, paint and ink. I’ve been delving into photoshop breaking new ground, mixing up what I was taught long long ago in college. It feels very good to do what they said not to do.

Have you ever done that? Felt giddiness overtake you when you… fuck I just added giddYness to Google dictionary while trying to spell check it. Now, every time I spell check giddiness with a Y it will be spelled correctly. For that matter I won’t even know that I spelled it wrong for the little red dotted line that shows up underneath a word that needs to be spell checked won’t exist on giddyness anymore.

The thought of writing anonymously crosses my mind more than once every day. There is a an energetic side to me that needs to purge by way of words things often left better unsaid. Although, over the last couple of years I have had people write saying thank you for being so open and saying the things I could not say.

And I think… I haven’t said everything, all those things I want to say. Time will tell when they will be said.

I picked up the book 2012 on Friday and have begun reading.

I felt a kinship immediately Daniel Pinchbeck. However, my taught feminine psyche holds back and does not release this other side of me that I had found. Perhaps when need be, we do realize our authentic selves only through death. Up to that point we practice life. Beyond that point is after life. They call it death.

When my grandmother died she had said to my mom in the hospital that she was ready to go to heaven. I don’t believe in heaven. I believe in an after life. She was also talking her long dead husband and son saying she was on her way.

Words I’ve been pondering:

sex, love, family, success, money, life, death, orgasm, paint, fabricating, production, penis, indignity, trust, relationship, single, one, two, three, ignorance, bliss and lust

There is a ……………… part of me that still questions the validity my own digital art. I don’t know why or where I picked up the notion that manipulating a drawing of one’s own on a future date by means of computer from it’s original traditional creation on paper is wrong.

I.really.need.to.let.that.go.

Poof!