Tag Archives: add

I don’t know how it happened…

…and I don’t know if I like it…

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where what you knew for over 20 years; two decades folks have rapidly evolved into another routine… one that wakes and puts you to sleep at different hours than that which you were accustomed to both physically and mentally?

Creatively, is it zapping, draining and most nauseating.

Productively, it is good, yet subliminally I feel as though there is something missing.

This is what a change of season feels like to someone with ADHD. It is foreign, intriguing and almost unbearable to a most exciting degree, albeit most familiar and strange yet illuminating.

I mourn the loss of my late night routines. 2010 marked a year of major inner change and that change for me was adjusting to a daytime schedule that I didn’t ask for. It just happened. It. really. did.

I deliberately don’t tell many people that I’m on a day schedule so that I have my mornings, uninterrupted and all to myself.

…so don’t tell anyone…

PS – January, February and March of 2011 are looking to be most sublime by the current forecasts. And to help keep track of the days of week and months of the year in 2011, calendars are listed in my Etsy Shop and soon to be listed on my own domain.

The Physical Withdrawal VS the Mental Withdrawal

There are no words to describe how I’m feeling these last few days. The physical withdrawal from nicotine was easy. The mental withdrawal is not so easy.

I’m feeling drawn to use substitutes and am not eating enough. Oddly when most people quit smoking they begin eating more. I’m the opposite. I try to control something, e.v.e.r.y.thing…

The first few days I had this low grade anxiety which was tolerable. It’s turned into a massive tight chested fight for my dignity. My concentration is nil. Nada! I really don’t know where to turn. My ADD is rearing it’s ugly head badly and I’m depressed and anxious and tired of reading that it will pass and to do something else instead. I’m sleeping more than I’m awake right now.

And I never did seek treatment after being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This diagnosis was the final one as the GAD, PTSD, Addiction and OCD are all but symptoms of ADD in adult women. How’s that for a mouthful. And most of us aren’t diagnosed until our mid-thirties.

I have an appointment to see a councilor (not free) on Friday and I’m going to make an appointment with my family doc (free) and call West (not free) to get my medical files sent (not free) here.

And really, this struggle is ongoing for me. Most days are good but the last few months have been hard. And yes, I did buy a house but it’s a rent to own agreement. I’m not rich folks… my income is small. I just go without and I don’t know anymore what the reason is that I quit smoking. I regret it because it’s turned all the little molehills into mountains within my mind.

I’ve re-read that book “Easy Way to Quit Smoking” 5 times? It is super easy to quit but not for someone with Mental Health issues.

I feel like my brain is missing it’s jolt. ZAPP… now you can concentrate for an hour uninterrupted. Go be a productive human being Ms. Jessica Doyle.

I must be one of the few people who actually loves to smoke. Frack!

How do you clean your mind?

I began, a few moments ago, thinking about how I wished I could remove my brain, throw it in the wash with detergent and later dry it outside on the line in the crisp autumn air.

I can’t literally do that though and that fact irks me especially after a day like today.

I am only able to wash my skin if dirty, exercise if fat and eat if hungry. The mind is different and yes, every one of those things affects the mind indirectly but they cannot immediately rid it of dirt.

This got me thinking about drugs and how I crave them during moments of high stress. Yes, moments, for the urge can pass to instantaneously fix the sleepiness, stupidness or inattentiveness. On days like today though the moments turned into hours and the 15 minute break worked for about 15 minutes upon my return to working. I know, I know there will be days like these.

I wish I had that little bottle on days like these. I wish I had my magic potion. I wish I could sip it into oblivion and be unaware of my own existence, only conscious of other’s insistence.

Today I found two pennies.