Tag Archives: Addiction

After letting it go you begin to see the solutions

It’s always funny after sleeping on it for one night how one’s problems begin to appear much smaller with the solutions to those problems becoming more apparent.

I spent the afternoon today digging out of yet another massive Maritime snow storm. I feel relieved after shovelling that 60 inch drift from the side walkway so that the house can be accessed easily again. Wind combined with snow do create mountains and valleys outside during a storm. The front walkway on the other hand had no snow on it at all, while the back deck had about 12 inches that needed to be removed. The car was clear while the driveway was half covered.

This is akin to how a brain can react to life conditions presented to it too. Continue reading

No smoking is healthy or is it?

no smoking sign, art, illustration, healthy, print, poster

My mind has begun to play tricks on me. My mind can get pretty sick at times. The loneliness and social withdrawal keep me stuck in this infinite loop of stopping and starting only to stop and start once again.

I need to ask your permission to write freely on this blog for a while indefinitely without being judged or being harassed for being an addict. I began this blog almost five years ago in search of an escape from addiction and the mental afflictions that seem to envelope the core of my soul only to have it turn into a tame, almost socially acceptable version of myself. I am far from socially acceptable in societies eyes… my eyes. Continue reading

Chasing the Dragon Illustration

chasing the dragon, illustration, winsor and newton watercolour, original, jessica doyle, addiction, sobriety, psychedelic

We chase dragons all our lives whether we are conscious of it or not…

This illustration holds more significance to me than perhaps any other drawing I’ve rendered over the last few years. Maybe I shouldn’t sell it It signifies the turning point in one’s life where one must move forward and discontinue past follies and experience regardless of how difficult the emotions welling up inside may be. It can mean leaving jobs, changing where one lives or even ending relationships and being financially poor and emotionally destitute until the change happens. Continue reading

Chasing the dragon for the last five years

Chasing the Dragon Illustration by artist Jessica Doyle yellow, blue, green

Today marks five years sobriety for me off of GHB.

I drew this dragon five months ago. I added the watercolour five days ago and the image just screamed chasing the dragon once the colours began popping it to life. It still needs more work mind you… Subconsciously, I still chase that illusive dragon when working, creating or even when alone thinking or researching. When what I’m working on, creating, thinking or researching climaxes, I certainly do, feel high and struggle to get to the end. I almost can’t contain myself at times and must run outside to smoke a cigarette and sadly, nicotine is the worst drug of all, as it doesn’t even make you high.

I silently research drugs, their uses and legalities. I consider it a hobby and when I feel the need to use a substance that most certainly will cause me angst, I read back in my journals about the gruesome detox and agony I suffered through for months when sobering up from GHB.

It’s not a pleasant experience to break out in painful large blisters and pimples all over your back, arms and legs and to lose feeling in your extremities and watch your fingers and toes go blue from slowed blood circulation as you reduce your dose of GHB slowly and by half each day for one week at home. It’s not human to recoil into an infantile state regressing to points in one life while awake or asleep when bad things happened only to have to vividly relive them again and again until you aged and moved onwards to the next abuse or trauma.

Process of chasing the dragon illustration by artist Jessica Doyle winsor and Newton watercolour blue green

And I certainly don’t miss the need to dose every half hour at times and the need to overdose just to sleep for two hours at a time or the constant fear of knowing that I would die from sudden withdrawal without GHB running through my system if my drug dealer ran out of it or I forgot my bottle at home after leaving the house for that day. I would return home for the bottle. Always. You hit a certain point with GHB addiction where there is no turning back to just recreational use. Missing a dose can send you into convulsions. Missing a dose can stop your heart from beating. Missing a dose can take your breath away forever. While taking too much can make you fall asleep and go into a coma.

I do miss the first five months of the addiction; the time when everything was wonderful, my brain worked properly and life seemed easier even if it was only a charade.

And most of all, I DO NOT REGRET taking GHB or becoming addicted to it as there were times when it, was perfect.

Over the years people have said to me why not take a Xanax or a Valium to calm down. Are you kidding me? Really, offering a sedative to someone who was addicted to them for two full years (albeit the illegal kind) is like offering a recovered heroin addict a T1 or an alcoholic a just a small shot of whiskey.

Studio of artist Jessica Doyle showing chasing the dragon illustration paint watercolour acrylic

So, chasing the dragon is akin to being amongst the living.

Chasing the dragon is a work in progress. Thus far the mediums used are Faber Castell Pitt Artist Pens and Winsor and Newton watercolour on Arches watercolour paper. It measures 8×10 inches (20,3cm by 25,4cm). And I do not ever smoke inside. My household is a strict non-smoking and scent free home.

The programs offered by addiction treatment centers are designed to help treat addiction to any kind of illicit drug.

Video Interview with Elastic Lab – Working the 9 to 5 job was killing me

Last Fall, I was contacted by videographer Frank Sheppard of Elastic Lab to do an interview for their Culture of Content Creation Series. The interview is live now! Go watch it! or watch it below.

Working the 9 to 5 job was killing me from Elastic Lab on Vimeo.

From the site:

In today’s world of social media, digital voices rant and rave, ruminate on their experiences, give life to the world’s causes, bring fame to the worthy, bring shame to the unworthy, denounce dishonesty and evil, and preach a million variations on truth. But while the voices are loud, the social media movement is, for the most part, a faceless movement. Conversations, discussions, relationships, business partnerships, and friendships exist where face-to-face encounters do not. Such is the nature of the Internet, and why this project, The Culture of Content Creation, was launched.

My segment is entitled Working the 9 to 5 job was killing me. I talk about how I how and why I began blogging and how it lead me to what I do today.

I’m honored to be a part of this project. Hope you all enjoy the interview.

And thank you Frank for contacting me to do this!

UPDATE – Thank you to Julie Morey who pointed out in the comments that I could embed this video into my blog from Vimeo! 😀 And to see pictures of my studio please visit this blog post.

Last night I went out and used copious amounts of illegal drugs

And today I am paying for it, needing to dose every half hour or so, so as to not go into remission and suffer through withdrawal.

It’s awful. I thought I’d be OK going to that party last night where I knew there would be GHB. Someone asked me if I wanted a shot and I said no then another person asked me again and I said no again. I should have just left that party. I should have just walked home. Then another person asked saying “Oh, Jessica, it’ll be OK” proceeding to explain that he was addicted to and now only takes it when he’s around other people. I caved, and said yes thinking it would be OK just this once.

And just like that…

…I’m completely addicted to GHB again.

I’d be a FOOL to even try that drug again with 1679 days sober off that stinking drug.

Three personal blog reader emails to share with you

Just over four years have passed since I first began blogging on March 6th, 2006. In essence I have a Bachelor of Blogging. And people are writing to me with their stories, gratitude and sometimes just to say hi.

I thought I’d share a few emails with you that I’ve received over the last few weeks from readers of this blog. They have been reproduced with permission and names changed if requested. All moved me in their own way and even brought me to tears… This is why I blog. This is what inspires me. Continue reading

Etsy feels like an addiction

And I should know because I am an addict.

Four and half years ago when I was being treated for GHB addiction my doctor asked me what I planned to do for money. At the time I was just discovering the beauty of blogging and all the possibilities that it held: a way to share my ideas, artwork, meet and converse with like-minded people and perhaps earn an income. I had already made the decision to never venture back into the applied arts world of graphic design and was looking for a more holistic way to live that in turn complimented my ideals and would allow for personal growth but more importantly, live as an artist.

The doctor asked how much time do you spend online? Continue reading