Tag Archives: Anxiety

Secret #6 – Sharing a day in the life

The guilt arrives in waves. For many this guilt is something you may never experience. It could be something you experience daily.

It’s a form of anxiety associated with earning money. That’s the only way I can describe this; that knowledge that one is beginning to earn more than poverty level income and entering into the middle class dream.

I mean, I’ve never had to deal with earning much money by Canadian standards or budgeting in larger amounts each month.

All I want to say is dream, then think of that dream and make it a reality. This dream has to do with money and making money in a way that is healthy, self gratifying and brings happiness or emotion into the world; a contribution.
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Feeling Disconnected – New Ink Drawing

We all feel disconnected from ourselves and even with the world that surrounds us during moments of sorrow, loss or simply because we are overwhelmed. Know this though, you are not alone with those feelings of anxiety or hopelessness as we all from time to time do feel this way.

Take comfort in knowing that every emotion and feeling that you experience will pass, evolving into yet another that in turn to, will adapt and ever change again.

We are human; and that IS what connects us all.

I created prints of this ink drawing today, for sale on HangsaLittleLeft.

RELAX!

… is what I tell myself these days, many days, perhaps too many to count.

meandfriend

Seems to me that when shit hits the fan it does hit all at once.

All I can do is remain calm and carry on as I am not at liberty to discuss what is going on. Not yet anyways! I have a secret… good secret and some crazy ones to.

And for those of you in the know… no, I did not relapse. Haha!

Yes, this is a short blog post. And yes, that is me and a close friend of 30 years wearing pink feather boas at a stagette party (bachelorette party) we attended on Friday night. What fun we all had!

Photographer credit – Shyanne McGrath (not shown who is another long time friend of 30 years!)

3 Ways to Positively Change You

1. Don’t visit the Etsy forums. EVER. period.

These days the Etsy forums resemble a mad hatters tea party on acid except everyone is serving nastiness and it’s become non-positive in every way shape and form. I can’t weed out the negative anymore. They can and will suck your creative spirit dry. As of today I will no longer peruse them. Good Bye!

2. Don’t sign up for Plenty of Fish.

I signed up last year. Then after three weeks of idiots never logged back in until two weeks ago. The idiocy has begun anew with a vengeance. To deter the idiots I made my profile mean (brutally honest). The idiots multiplied. How is this possible that such a small community as Saint John, New Brunswick is so full of rednecks! Moments ago I deactivated my account.

3. Don’t overexpose yourself to noise and crowds.

I love all the people in my life. Don’t get me wrong on this. My social life has been increasing more than I can handle both online and offline. Clubs. Parties. Weddings. Get-togethers. Family Gatherings. Drunk people. Loud Music. POF. Etsy forums. My creativity has seriously wained as a consequence. Thus, it is time to hibernate picking up and using flickr, blog and pen. I need some down time. Really. Badly. I sleep with ear plugs and my cat. I like it quiet just like that.

Just by doing those three things listed above I am adjusting my aura. To much socializing and not enough time alone to re-energize will make me sick. I learned while in treatment for anxiety and addiction that I am an introvert which simply means I need much more alone time and one on one time in small groups than 90% of the rest of the world who are extroverted and need people time all the time to re-energize.

This fact is good. This realization, that I am on the road to an unhealthy lifestyle makes me smile. Haha! Because I realize it and have pinpointed the three main sources of my anxiety. Now, I put it into practice by focusing on the good things.

I feel normal. As most normal people know when enough is enough. Much of my life I didn’t know what was enough or what was lacking. To “know” this empowers me to move into action creating masterpieces for your walls!

Life is an ebb and flow of ideas, choice and change.

In eight days I will be sober of GHB for three years. How about that!

Image credit – Aura, Acrylic painting on 2 by 2 foot board by me, Jessica Doyle. Both the original painting and prints are available in my art shop.

Female Hysteria – Aids that Every Woman Appreciates

Hysteria

Engrossed with hysteria I walked into my councilling session today. I traveled emotionally; climbing mountains reaching the peak only to leap off descending to the valley below. How is it possible for a person to cry, leave their body, and smile within a five minute time frame, all the while not knowing how she traveled from one emotional state to another.

I’m OK. It feels odd to actually state “I’m OK.” I neither understand nor remember the triggers of such outbursts. They come unbidden, uncontrolled and inadvertently end, leaving me to digest the days progression.

My councilor is a beautiful, wise and generous person. She knows my secrets. Are they secrets though? For her yes, I would say indeed they are secrets kept in confidence. For me, shedding secrets strengthens my being. I don’t need to hide. When I hide who I am I fill with fear which leads to anxiety which turns into the inability to make decisions leading to eventual hysteria. That word hysteria I looked up in the wiki simply because I have been feeling hysterical lately. They state:

Hysteria is a diagnostic label applied to a state of mind, one of unmanageable fear or emotional excesses. The fear is often centered on a body part, most often on an imagined problem with that body part (disease is a common complaint). People who are “hysterical” often lose self-control due to the overwhelming fear.

Damn they are good! And Damn I’m good for picking the proper word this evening to describe my consciousness. To take it a step farther I then looked up female hysteria. Having known some background on the subject through reading and discussion with others I believe that Damn, it is all too real today, for perhaps many women in some shape or form. Without release through orgasm everything just builds and builds and builds and then you are essentially a hysterical woman. What would you know that in the earlier part of the century Doctors were rubbing the clitoris of women sometimes for hours to bring on an orgasm, in effect relieving the Hysteria. This practice was a sanctioned medical procedure which lead to the popular invention of the electric vibrator. To my surprise the Sears, Roebuck and Company catalog from 1918 features a whole page devoted to:

sears robuck - aids that every woman appreciates - public domain image

As the years progressed Female Hysteria vanished as a medical diagnosis.

Today different manifestations of hysteria are recognized amongst other things, schizophrenia, conversion disorder and anxiety attacks.

Note the term anxiety attacks. That one hit home. Today I spoke with my councilor about the lack of sex in my relationship with my boyfriend. She mentioned that sex is actually a good way to relieve anxiety and depression. I thought on this and tucked it away in the back of my head ’til later this evening after Eric went to bed. Low and behold that theory holds true! One always hears about how men masturbate once or more times a day; women, you know, could benefit from this practice too!

Side note: Today my talk with my councilor wasn’t just about sex. Sex was all but a small part of it. Sexuality and the need to be able to express desire and pleasure freely has been difficult for me since I sobered up 10 months ago. Tonight, for the first time in a long time I felt secure in expressing these thoughts and ideas that I have been repressing. There is no shame in writing and/or expressing your femininity openly. Thank you Councilor A. I welcome feedback and discussion on this. Cheers!

Image credits
1. Hysteria – Jessica Doyle – 2006 – Ink on Paper
2. Aids That Every Woman Appreciates – Sears, Roebuck and Company catalog, 1918 – This image is Public Domain

For vintage and antique items visit my vintage shop and to buy art or paper goods to decorate your home with do peruse my fine art shop or download and print your own beautiful art from HandmadeCloud.

The End of Mania

When you believe something so strongly no matter what it may be; it is bound by mind to exist. Recently my dreams have become so deviant, encompassing so many areas of past, present and future times that they come into my conscious reality of day to day life. Have you ever woken up screaming? Last week this happen three times. My eyes opened wide, my mouth opened sending a shrilling shriek into the air as I sat up. I had known I was dreaming and knew I begun screaming in the dreams. What was uncommon about them was, they were not per-say nightmares. I learned today that they are called night terrors from the nurse at Daytox.

I’m not sure how many of you think about death. Not so much suicide but death itself. What happens? Why? How will you be remembered if at all? Could anything have been done to prevent your death? Death crosses my mind every day. There has not been a day in recent memory where it has not entered, existed for a brief moment or more and then exited my mind. This has been common to me for over 20 years.

Everyone says you are the adult – you make the decision. But what would you do if somewhere along the way you lost the ability to choose? The simple choice to take a shower for instance can take me up to a week to make.

I’m going to present to you, two lists. One list is of words and phrases people have said, written or used to describe me and some that happened to me. In the list that follows I’ll present another group of words that people have said, written or used to describe me and some that happened to me.

FIRST list

creative, full of energy, beautiful, soft, I love you, sincere, sensitive, you are an angel, daughter, lover, sexy, seductive, good, open-minded, multitasker, smart, pretty, nice, smile, blue eyes, indigo child, empathetic, sympathetic, artist, alive, hoola hooper, gardener, love of animals, delicate, dancer, full of energy, never stops, always listens, day dreamer, crazy, ambitious, original, can laugh at problems, find solutions, dream, hyperactive, surreal, snoookles, older sister, leader, commented on, adored, loved, drugs, a lot, loves life, expansion of the mind, inebriation, intoxication, addiction, searching, answers, guiding, teaching, learning, crying, soft, tears, happy, over achiever, seductive, ideas, hope, music, E, GHB, pepsi, gentle, fuck me, stamina, pornography, confident, floating above cities, hovering among willows, why, three, writer, emotion creator, film maker, art director, graphic designer, picture framer, mat cutter, colour, typography, poet, excellent memory, attention to detail, walking, woods, ocean, beach, forever, wife, girlfiend

SECOND list

mistake, hate, ambivalent, relentless, effort, mangled thought patterns, Generalized anxiety disorder, ADD, ADHD, obsessive, compulsive, hair puller, skin picker, you’re the devil, trichotilomania, tendency, day dreams, lost, kicked, hit, beat up, rape, loner, nerd, are you a boy, anorexic, boy you’ve put on weight, fuck you, throttle, 24 hour, partier, workaholic, smoker, pot, cigarettes, MDMA, GHB, dumb, failure, thoughts are dumb and crazy, incoherent, belligerent, angry, sad, depression, loss, death, cut, scratch, pick, eat, don’t eat, drunk, she’s blacked out, arrogant, overdose, confused, reject, low, rumors, girls hate, pornography, catholic, bad, quiet child, abruptive, shut up, be quiet, evaporate, go away, leave me alone, throw up, pass out, die, kicking, men, force, woman farce, suffering in silence, too long, how old are you, why, sex, three, stop, bad, memory, hyper, pepsi, pain, gut hurts, chrohn’s, addict, overstimulated, hate advertising, never, divorce, unsure, can’t decide

Tomorrow I go see the doctor at Daytox. I spoke up today in the grey of Vancouver day to address all these words of mine to the nurse and councilor. There are two many eggs in my damn basket right now. I’m so grateful to everyone who has helped me over the past 6 months. The professional list is long. And in their lies the mania.

Over the past 6 months I have seen:

Addictions Doctor
Councilor A
Councilor B
Family Doctor
Psychiatrist
Nurse A
Nurse B
Councilors C, D and E

I travel to three different locations to see these people, attend their groups and get therapy. Only three times have any of them communicated with one another about what is going on with me. I’m not getting a clear answer. So now tomorrow I am going to Doctor C who is at location one. Then I go to See councilor A at location two in a few days. I then go see councilor C the day after that who at the recommendation of Councilor D and Nurse B will get all parties involved to plan out a new treatment plan. A couple of days after that I go see the Family Doctor at location three whom hopefully will have heard from Councilor C from location one. Councilor B is gone for while right now and that’s why I have councilor C. And there is supposed to be a new location added to the list. Location number four where I will meet ‘specialist’ psychiatrist. OMG!

FUCK. LOL. and good night! Something Councilor D said to me is “You do always have a way to laugh about your problems” You know in the end that is true. It makes me happy. But when I’m not laughing I’m dieing.

Any comments would be welcome!!! Is anyone out there in a similar situation?