It began a few weeks ago as simply a feeling of being tired and overwhelmed. Then it progressed into exhaustion and not being able to keep up with myself or rather do all the things I wanted no needed to do. After a week or so a slight sore throat developed and that too went away but the tiredness remained.
Usually a day or two before a sickness takes a real hold of me I tend to get this adrenaline rush and feel so physically awesome running around and do so much in such a short period of time like today is the last day that I’ll ever be alive and everything I ever wanted to do must be done now! Sadly, deep down inside on that day I know that I’m going to crash pretty hard and boy the crash has been long winded this time around.
More than ever we as human beings need more peace and tranquility in our lives. This isn’t to say that excitement and even struggle are not a part of it, yet there comes a time when we must move on and change our lives for the better, even when it hurts.
I feel optimistic that the hard work I’m doing will create a more fulfilling life both spiritually and financially. For too long I relied on a second income and help from a spouse only to leave one and be left by the other. I guess that evens me out. And I do hope to meet the right person someday as it does get lonely.
Very recently, I broke up with man whom I’d been dating on and off for close to eight years when we were both single. I fell in love with him. And after talking with a close friend the other night who suggested that maybe I was lusting after and not loving this man; did I realize the first to be true. She to, in turn is going through an extended break-up and I’m so grateful to have her to talk to for where I live there isn’t many single women in their 30’s who don’t have kids, to talk to or single men that I click with for that matter.
So, I’m releasing hope into the world today.
And you may remember the original drawing of Hope in pastel hues of pink, blue and green…
I played with this drawing quite a bit in Adobe Photoshop to get her to a beautiful yellow ocher colour. I’m pleased with how she turned out. Hope is a limited Edition. There will ONLY be 40 printed. You can get her in the shop.
Mispec beach is located moments outside the city line on the Bay of Fundy. It is a frightfully cold salt water haven where pale ghostly Saint Johner’s go to swim, lay on the sand and sweat. As the end of summer approaches I thought I’d never make it to the beach as the fog and rain were heavy here most days. Saturday, I was there with a man named Andrew and his two boys.
It’s funny how children enter your life unexpectedly. First, my brother who is dating a woman (they are practically married now) who has three little girls aged three, six and nine; all blond and all very cute and intelligent. They were here this evening bringing my mom her 59th birthday gifts. I took them out in the backyard and we began picking carrots, wax beans and potatoes. Then we moved on to flower petals and fresh lavender while I explained to them how to make pot purri with it when they arrived back home. A few of my friends have children to, with whom I’ve been seeing more of lately and it’s not so bad. What the heck what I so scared of!
I was on a date that day at the beach with the man with two kids. I had panicked a few days earlier calling my brother “What do I do?!!!”, “His kids… Ahhhhhh”. My brother laughed and being the calm man that he is, says “Jessica, they are a package deal. Meet them sooner than later and decide from there.”
Andrew picked me up… two boys in the back seat aged six and eight. I sat in the car, buckled up and we were on our way.
And it comes down to this… I don’t have children of my own. After two long-term relationships ending and no children as a result I think I had begun to wonder whether it was possible to meet a man who wants children that I was attracted to. I don’t know where I’m going with this and maybe he is even reading this but this is my blog and my creative outlet for thought, idea and experimentation and he will understand because I write or I will go madly insane! I’m not saying Andrew is the one but he certainly is nice and sexy and stuff…hmmm and one never knows 😉
This last month I’ve been around more kids than I have in the last five years. Really! And they are all under the age of ten who are bursting bubbles of energy and new inspiration.
Life can get bland pretty quick when all you do is repetitive mundane tasks while walking a straight line without veering off that path. I went on two dates last week with two different men. It happens all at once when you least expect it to. One man I will not see again as it brought me straight back to feeling empty, uncomfortable and wanting to use drugs to cope.
Andrew on the other hand, I hope to see again real soon…