Tag Archives: decision

An x-ray and a brainscan could help

alchemysymbolpureSM.jpgI have been pondering the term addiction in how it relates to my pschy and life. It has been a while since I wrote of such. It has been many days, weeks even monthes since my last cap of GHB. The 26 of August will mark that one year has passed since I chose to live. This fact causes me to ponder am I better or worse off for that matter, could I be masking still what is inside that needs to be discussed or even just left in the dark to receed into the unknown human landscape we call forgotten memories?

It does not feel like it was yesterday to me. It does not feel like it was me, who experienced the disease of addiction. That holds true for Chron’s disease; was it me laying in a hospital bed talking to death everyday? Do people catch, get or develop a disease to communicate with the other side unknowingly, for that matter could we conciously choose to get sick? Do we choose to get better? Is better being alive and not ill? I am alive. I am not addicted to GHB anymore. But is it better? Is it better knowing that when you are sick you got attention or that when one is sick you know how to get attention? Or is illness and disease a symtom of life not death. Could it be that when we are sick we communicate life. Everything we do in life is to avoid death.

Think about that: Everything we do in life is to avoid death.

What if we accepted death to live. Continue reading

Addiction Hurts Just Like Any Other Disease

Birds on wires

There are times when we need to go back to remember how we arrived to, today. Tonight I traveled back to a night that I lived through. On Friday, August 19, 2005 I had written a very convoluted email to my employer essentially giving notice that I quit. That evening turned into night.

Early that Saturday morning I wrote:

3AM Saturday morning

Go play a game he says. But what game do I play. The game of writing comes to mind. I don’t like feeling anxiety and I don’t particularly like the feeling of my heart pounding so hard that it’s going to come out of my chest.

I don’t want to work for blank blank. Maybe he and Eric are right. I should be on meds. Fuck that. I will be ok.

I am having the worst hot flash right now. My feet have been frozen for days and sweating and cold.

However I have had extreme moments of clarity. So clear about where I am and dreams of what I want to do…

I went on to write:

Living with shame, self doubt and anxiety on a daily basis is, in fact slowly killing me.
…inside I’m a thirteen year old girl unable to say no to her mother.

…continuing later with:

When one takes a drug to cope with reality one does not see what is real. Only when one is honest with oneself can one see. Why does clarity come at 3AM in the morning? What causes things to just make since? How is it possible. How is it possible to quit one’s job during an anxiety attack?

On Sunday August 21, 2005 I wrote:

Early morning on day two, 9:15

Yesterday was my first day to regulate my use of G. I was up to taking perhaps 40 caps a day. And I don’t want to die. I want to live to see gorgeous mornings like today. I feel warmth of sun beams caressing my buttocks to feet. I’m clad in a huge white cotton sweater and 3/4 length black stretch pants.

At this time yesterday I was pacing in the apartment and took 4 maybe 10 caps of G unable to shut my mind down nor to accept the many racing thoughts in it. At 12:30 I awoke on the futon somewhat calm knowing I was lucky to be alive. My heart had been beating so fast that night I had begged for death watching myself from afar.

Eric arose at 1:30 and I tried to put on a brave face. I had brushed the dog, and broke down and told him the truth.

When you are addicted… I’m at a loss for words right now. The memory of that weekend has been present in my mind lately. Maybe the weather is stirring it up? Maybe it is because those dates are drawing near? I guess those three days will forever be remembered by me. I think a part of me died that weekend. It makes me so sad, because I can’t comprehend how I got there, in the first place. If it, were not for Eric helping me those first two nights and days of self detoxing at home I would not be here right now. The above are brief entries I wrote in haste during those days. They do not even begin to describe the physical and mental anguish I felt while beginning to taper off G. I knew, and Eric knew if I cut cold turkey I could die from the detox so tapering was the only option. I would not leave my home. I could not eat nor could I sleep. My skin broke out in a hundred pimples and began crawling with sensitivity. All my senses hurt.

I am so sorry Eric that you had to see me that way. I love you.

On Monday morning we went to the doctor for help. I have a journal entry for that day also, which in time I may read and then post. I hope this gives people some insight that addiction is real and that it hurts just like any other disease. And like any other disease you need time to heal, time to remember and then be in the present.

*The painting at the top I painted for Eric a few weeks later in mid September 2005.

Painting competition questions, answers & clicking submit.

Last night nearly at the stroke of midnight I clicked submit on http://rbc.com after completing the hour long online submission form to their annual Painting Competition. The RBC Painting Competition is the largest of it’s kind for emerging artists living in [tag]Canada[/tag]. They have a total prize payout of $55 000 Canadian; $25 000 first prize and two honorable mentions of $15 000 a piece. Between June 14 and 16 they will be calling anyone with whom they are considering for the 15 finalists.

Continue reading

Decision

In Search Of

Over the next couple of weeks I’ll being creating much of the background design for my site. Having been sidetracked and thus overwhelmed by the immensity of this task, I have decided by far, I Jessica Doyle am not a master programmer nor coder. I understand the basics, like in arythmatic that 1+1=2. The weight has lifted! I have decided to barter or subcontract any and/or all programming/coding I cannot resolve myself within a reasonable amount of time in hopes of creating a network between said person or company. Perhaps in return they will barter or subcontract work to me. Currently I am in negotiation with a company. I’ll keep you all posted.

I’m also on the hunt for a Fine Art Representative to sell or license my art and illustration to galleries, greeting card or stock illustration companies to name a few.

With all that said. This is what I’m good at!
• Colour & Typography
• Painting, Drawing & Illustration by hand or digitally
• Writing
• Filmmaking & editing
• Print or Package Design including magazines, biz cards, brochures
• Design Consultation
• Creative & Art Direction
• Image restoration, cropping & colour correction for web or print design

…and this is what I’ll be doing over the next month.
UPDATE (OCT – 2007) “This” will be ongoing for the rest of my life.

• Design website (www.jessicadoyle.ca) in Photoshop
• Implement Google Adsense, Amazon Books, Affiliates, RSS’s into the website design
• Pick an image viewer to integrate into WordPress (Coppermine, Zenphoto or WPG2)
• Make sure film footage can be uploaded in the programming part
• Have said website coded into a theme for WordPress along with any needed plugins & upgrades
• Upload visual, written & moving stimuli
• Begin contacting galleries, potential employers & advertisers
• Create, write, design & film in peace
• Barter or subcontract extensive programming & coding (i.e PHP, Java, etc…)
• Begin search for rep

*The above vector illustration was rendered in Adobe Illustrator by Jessica Doyle.

:)

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