Tag Archives: dreams

257 Days – Get out of here!

“Get out of here” Eric said to our friend just two hours ago. I had been in the shower and was changing in the bedroom when the those words were spoken. It’s now about quarter past midnight. Eric had picked him up and placed him outside our apartment door saying “Leave in three seconds or I will call the police.”

I’m a little shook up about what has transpired. John (not his real name) called one week ago asking if he could come and crash here for a bit. He showed up at the door with a six pack of beer wearing the same clothes he had been wearing for five days he told us. He was high and drunk. He had been fired from his job. He was talking in riddles only he understood. He had no where to go having left his parents place five days earlier, travelling into the city where he partied for five days. The night went ok. He came down and fell asleep on the couch. Eric and I retired also.

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If anything

Sometime in late January 2005 I wrote in my journal:

“so if anything
I have discovered
that I am breakable”

Even in the midst of full blown addiction one knows it can’t last forever; it evolves, fades away to memory or dies. I re-read my journal tonight written between September 2004 to January 2005. I never allowed myself to come up for air. Brief moments of clarity were shrouded in misery. I broke myself in two. I even know when the tear began. February 2004 to August 2005 may rest in peace now – I bid you adieu. For anyone trying to comprehend the “why” of addiction; only has to understand the human condition.

Anxious Poop

The human body never ceases to amaze me. It’s ability to adapt to environmental, physical or mental stimuli is worth congratulating ourselves about. My mind today upon waking from a using dream alerted me to run to the bathroom and poop for all my worth. With that said a using dream is common among recovering addicts for up to a year after they stopped abusing their substance of choice. I dreamt of using Crystal Methamphetamine, a drug I never used nor tried. This drug enters my subconcious when I’m in the midst of tapering down my Valium dosage. The past three tapers Meth as appeared in my dreams. I don’t dream of my drug of choice, GHB. I don’t particularly have cravings for either. It was just a dream, vivid, whimsical and full of sex. Many recovering addicts often report changes in their dream content and occurance, often waking up in cold sweats. I am not alone.

While in the bathroom I began wondering why do I have diarhea? This is not normal poop. Could it be the Norwalk Virus? OMG! it is! Breath. OK. It’s been going around Vancouver. Damn media. Go back to bed. I awoke again in the same dream and had to run to the bathroom. My gut is not feeling too well today. In search of relief I googled “poop”. And came up with this wonderful site called The Poop Report. It is not vulgar, nor is it disgusting. It’s rather cute and funny, informative and adminstered by a nurse. It is a G rated website with a twist.

Yesterday, during accupuncture I began to feel lightheaded. A familiar but distant memory of fainting and nausea crossed my mind as the accupuncturist was putting the final needles in place. My chest filled with sweat, while the colour drained from my face. I said to her “Ah, I’m feeling a little nauseated like I’m going to faint”. She pulled the two needles from my knees, I put my head down while she rubbed one pressure point on my left wrist. I began feeling better. My stomach was rumbling now. Perhaps the accupuncture stimulated my intestines? I closed my eyes for 45 minutes, pulled the needles out then waited for the benzo support group to start.

There were a lot of people in attendance at the benzo support group yesterday. We all shared our stories and symptoms of tapering. Common symtoms were, anxiety, tinnitus, dreams, jaw clenching, bad memories, waking and talking outloud from a dream, feeling scatter brained, innatentive, frustrated and this feeling like your face or eyeballs are just floating or falling. Many of us had just made a taper. There was lots to share.

Here’s a pic of me and Kate after group from last week.

Jessica and Kate

In hindsight, the messy poo could be related to the taper, Norwalk (’cause I have eaten shellfish), after period cleansing maybe (women will undersatnd this one – how your monthly cylcle affects your regularity or lack there of), eating too much tofu or maybe my body needed to purge or I need more fibre. Who knows. Worrying about the poo won’t make it go away. đŸ˜‰ If it lasts longer than four days then yes I’ll head to the doctor. Maybe it’s my Chron’s? hmmm. No. I’ll stop that thought right now – it’s been in remission since 1997 and I’m not in pain and have no fever.

Gotta love those using dreams causing anxious poo!