Tag Archives: Health

Coming out to play or how an introvert fails to thrive

jessica doyle self portrait

If you are a creative person you likely have many drafts or unfinished pieces of work in various stages of completion laying around your studio or stored on the computer.

In early November, 2011 I began entering a burnout from working online and from life in general. And by mid-January 2012 my health had completely failed and I was hospitalized for seven days. It’s only now that I’m coming out of it (publicly) so to speak.

What’s sad, is that I knew it was happening all of last year but didn’t know how to stop it or where to go for help or how to financially afford treatment by taking time off of working as I have no health insurance or employment insurance. I wrote the following on November 7th, 2011, the night before my 38th birthday, and never published it here on the blog.

What exactly does it mean when you hit burnout or rather when you succumb to not be able to creatively think or do anything else other than change who you are.

And when you are introverted, adjusting to extroversion is almost painful at a cellular level. To an introvert, extroversion feels like being tickled everywhere for an extended period of time and forced to exert and use one’s senses in life in an outward fashion that others can see, taste, smell, watch or feel immediately.

An introvert on the other hand basically sponges all that external sensory stimuli, balls it up, swallows it, mentally digests it and assimilates it all into the brain for use in original and unique regurgitation onto paper, instrument or dialogue that extroverts absorb in the form of entertainment.

The above few paragraphs are by no means a finished thought but they do summarize how fast my fragile boundaries were eroding. I was utterly overwhelmed most, if not, all of last year. Only those people closest to me knew the extent of what I was trying to deal with if they even knew at all. I didn’t share too much here on the blog… I don’t think I knew how to. Yes, my failing thyroid is playing a part in all of this and yes I’m keeping up with the blood tests and adjustments in medication again.

And what finally prompted me to sign into this blog and break the silence and actually write today was perhaps the most awful therapy appointment I’ve ever had the pleasure of sitting through yesterday. And it wasn’t that it was awful per-say, it was just unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before… and I’m going to submit myself to it all over again next week. Haha.

A few weeks ago my Mom gave me a camera to use, that she had won at work, as she already had a camera of her own. It’s a Canon Powershot SD 3500 IS, 14.1MP. I’ve begun playing with it. I snapped the pic above in the upstairs bathroom.

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism yesterday or why I’m really not that crazy after all

And I’ve never felt more panicked in my life. All the other medical diagnoses I’ve had over the years never made me feel more vulnerable than this one and perhaps it’s because I didn’t even see it coming or suspect it or request that I be tested for it.

I went into the doctor for my regular yearly pap smear back in late October and also requested that my iron and B12 levels be checked. He suggested a full blood work up and checked about 20 things.

My brain is so full of questions as I try to discern what caused this…
Is it the soy I ate?
Is it the wine I drank?
Is it the walnuts I ate?
Do I even have ADHD and could it have been hypothyroidism all along?
Is it the constant stress?
Is it all the PCB’s in everything?
Is it age?
Is it the amalgam fillings in my teeth?
Is it the fluoride in the water?
Is it hereditary or genetic?
Is it the Pepsi?

Or is it that women are like honey bees and we are sensitive to all these things and no one cause can ever be pinpointed as it is the bio-accumulative effect of all things. Continue reading

Chasing the Dragon Illustration

chasing the dragon, illustration, winsor and newton watercolour, original, jessica doyle, addiction, sobriety, psychedelic

We chase dragons all our lives whether we are conscious of it or not…

This illustration holds more significance to me than perhaps any other drawing I’ve rendered over the last few years. Maybe I shouldn’t sell it It signifies the turning point in one’s life where one must move forward and discontinue past follies and experience regardless of how difficult the emotions welling up inside may be. It can mean leaving jobs, changing where one lives or even ending relationships and being financially poor and emotionally destitute until the change happens. Continue reading

Secret #6 – Sharing a day in the life

The guilt arrives in waves. For many this guilt is something you may never experience. It could be something you experience daily.

It’s a form of anxiety associated with earning money. That’s the only way I can describe this; that knowledge that one is beginning to earn more than poverty level income and entering into the middle class dream.

I mean, I’ve never had to deal with earning much money by Canadian standards or budgeting in larger amounts each month.

All I want to say is dream, then think of that dream and make it a reality. This dream has to do with money and making money in a way that is healthy, self gratifying and brings happiness or emotion into the world; a contribution.
Continue reading

I am I will I shouda coulda and ALWAYS read the fine ART print within posts when it is about WORDPRESS

UPDATE

WE CAN LINK to our ETSY SHOPS from within POSTS!!!! YAY!!!
Thank you Toni

Yes, with the change of seasons comes a change in health. It seems I get struck first by the 24 hour vomit flu and now the going on 96 hour sinus, sore throat, congestion cough cold headache kill me super bug illness. To top it off I have a beautiful blasted cold sore growing on my lower left lip again.

In other news, I’ve purchased an archival printer. Let the bells ring out and the angels sing!

Glicée Prints are available in my Art Shop as of today! More will come as the healthier days commence.

You can get to my art shop in one of ONLY two ways from this blog as WordPress.com has rules about linking to paying sites such as an art shop. You can click on over to my about page or you can click the link found in the upper left navigation menu.

And for the record I don’t only blog because I have an Art Shop. I blog because I love it. It’s another medium for me to bend at whim. To quote what I wrote in 2006 over at the Blog Herald:

Blogging is like opening up a new pack of crayons at age six. It is an artist’s medium; as Letraset is to Mac, hand journaling is to blogging. This new form of journaling; recording information in real time, has struck a chord with me. The sound of tapping keys makes me happy. I have been creating for nearly 30 years but have not shared much of what I have created, learned, understood and for that matter not understood with anyone save for friends and family. This medium grants me a way to create anew and recreate my past artistic endeavors.

And it still does today!

I do wish I could link to my art shop from within posts every now and then here on WordPress… please?…

…and without fear of being banished!

I am sick.
I will get better.
I shoulda taken echinacea.
I coulda
but
I
didn’t.

NEW archival printer on my desk!

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It was brown. It stunk. And it hurt.

01.jpg

I began feeling noxious around 3PM yesterday. I began throwing up around 4PM. Around 6PM I peed out my ass. Whatever hit me has since left me quite violently over the last 24 hours. The fever started around midnight last night. It broke sometime this morning.

I’m weak. I am tired. I managed to eat some chicken soup and jello today and keep it down.

Vomiting is not fun unless you are on mushrooms.

A long long time ago I ate some psychedelic mushrooms. I then ate some cherries. I then puked red and fusia kaleidoscopic swirling entities into the toilet where I heaved as much as I laughed and was mesmerized that such beautiful red hued colors could come up and out of my stomach hence beginning to dance themselves into fractals within the crystal clear water of the toilet.

Last night was not like that. It was brown. It stunk. And it hurt.

Image credit – “I Did Not Know” by Jessica Doyle, available in her Etsy Art Shop.

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I Quit My Job RANT

I quit my job last Saturday giving the store manager one week’s written notice as a courtesy per New Brunswick labor laws. My last day will be this coming Saturday.

I feel thwarted of success there. This will be my only vent, rant and annoying post regarding this decision. I am fully aware that my writing negatively only perpetuates any negativity surrounding my aura. We all need to let go of it somehow for without doing so will surely lead us down that lonely road of past coping skills and delusions.

There is no truth in staying somewhere when you are not happy. No happiness in trudging through the motions with no reward. And certainly no reward earning one dollar over minimum wage with 17 years arts related experience.

I feel the calm of solitude ebb around me and it feels soft and nice, not fearful and anxious. Surprisingly, this afterthought, well may it last beyond tomorrow.

When you work at a job there are things that make it feel worthwhile, worth getting up in the morning to go to work for. A happy customer is always nice, especially one that has been wowed by a molding you chose to frame their painting in. Another is knowing you do a good job and actually enjoy doing custom picture framing. Another is having great co-workers to work with. But none of these things mean anything when you are not rewarded financially for your efforts put forth and will only be given another 29¢ per hour at your year end review, if that.

I’ve been rewarded in many ways at my job. One being that I get to scrub public toilets every night that I am scheduled to work. And only custom picture framers get to scrub the john. We are a special lot of picture framers you see. Another is not being able to eat my lunch at lunch time because there are too many customers and only one custom picture framer. There is a difference between choosing to not eat lunch because you are not hungry and customers asking why your hands are shaking.

Do you know what it is like to be doing backbreaking labour unpacking box after dirty box from China stocking shelves upon endless shelves? …and then throwing the cardboard into a cardboard compactor that smells like rotting vomit.

This store will hire a person to mop and POLISH the floors but not the toilets and sinks. They tell you, you need to earn your hours to work in the frame shop but then they tell you to stop production at 8:00 and go and scrub the toilets until 9:00. How is scrubbing toilets earning valuable time custom picture framing time? Fuck.

They have the audacity to schedule you from 9:00 to 5:00. Great. That is fine. I have always believed in a full days work. Honestly. You get an unpaid half hour lunch and one paid five minute break when scheduled to work that shift. But then they schedule you from 9:00 to 5:30 and you get another break on top of the lunch and initial break. I always had a hard time with this one. It’s like schedule me the extra half hour you twit! A worker is much more productive when she can step away from her work every two to three hours.

I threw up twice at work last Thursday and continued to work. I had been going to work feeling sick to my stomach for weeks, months? I couldn’t keep up with what was expected of me. Each week a new task, a new paperwork assignment, a new toilet to be cleaned was being added to my task list of things to do. My wage was not being increased to meet these new demands even though I was required to do “it” all in the same amount of time.

You know, close to THIRTY or more employees have quit working where I work since mid-December. The store itself employs thirty people. I have been through six managers, four of which were the Store manager.

I asked for a raise three times only to be met with “Well, we would all be living a better life wouldn’t we if we all made a little more money.” Fuck. More than a raise I wanted a standard schedule. A reliable schedule where I knew the days and hours I was expected to be at work. I can be scheduled to work anytime between 9AM to 9PM, seven days per week. All I wanted was a set three or four days that I was scheduled to work. I didn’t even care if it was night shift or day shift. Just the same god damn shifts week in week out so I could plan my life accordingly.

I am good at what I do. I proved it. I won the framing contest. I sold close to $200 an hour during the contest week. When you finally realize that regardless of how hard you work, good you are at what you do and how happy your customers are at the end of the day you still need to pay your bills.

And I’m worth more than minimum wage.

When I was hired I was not told I would be cleaning toilets nor was I told I would be cleaning the staffroom, stocking shelves or throwing away ungodly amounts of recyclable material. Janitors earn more than minimum wage where I live. I have a skilled trade. Sadly 10 years ago when I emplyed at this same trade I earned only $1.25 less than what I am earning where I work now. I don’t understand it and I’m done beating my head against a brick wall trying to make sense of corporate garbage.

My last day to work is this coming Saturday. Tomorrow I will write about the positive. Yes, my friends there is a positive to working where I have worked and it will be written and saved in pixels for generations to read!

Muahahahahahahaha

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An update on the metallic taste in my mouth

It has since returned ever so slowly until peaking this evening at work.

The day it disappeared I had gargled with listerine and then switched to using another toothpaste the following day. I’m beginning to suspect it isn’t the toothpaste at all but something else.

Most of December I suffered from very bad headaches between my eyes. They went away but were replaced with this awful metallic soapy taste in my mouth. I wonder if the two symptoms are associated.

I googled heavy metal poisoning. I think I may have found the culprit. I must make an appointment to see a dentist or my doctor to get blood tests done. I can’t even breath in without it tasting like I’m breathing in refreshing metallic flavored air. And I do have mercury based fillings in my mouth from years ago.

I am growing tired and I don’t have health insurance to have fillings removed and replaced with a safer alternative.

I find their list of symptoms somewhat disturbing. They make me wonder if I was ever fucked up to begin with, with anxiety or just poisoned with environmental contaminants.

Could it be a copper imbalance?

Have any of you ever had a soapy metallic taste in your mouth? And if you did what did you do to get rid of it please?