Tag Archives: honesty

Be unique and wondrous at all times – drawing

drawing inside fabriano quadrato artist journal by jessica doyle

Ideally we’d all be unique and wondrous at all times. This, however, would be difficult to achieve and maintain.

As children we were so. But, as we grew into adulthood we were taught to let go of this wonder and form into lines one after the other as we proceeded to checkout. While we are unique, we are more the same than we really want to admit. It is only through actions that we render each other indifferent perhaps.

detail of drawing inside fabriano quadrato artist journal by jessica doyle

Maybe it comes down to being honest with what makes you tick with those you love, admire and trust.

The drawing above was created using Prismacolor Verithin coloured pencils and Faber Castell Pitt Artist Pens inside a Fabriano Quadrato Artist Journal.

Want to support the artist who wrote this post? Go and buy some snazzy wall swag directly from her.

Finding passion without becoming addicted or why six years on it’s not any easier

2012 calendar desktop monsters handmade aliens pretty whimsical etsy

I wrote this blog post earlier this year in May but hadn’t published it. This seems to be a common occurrence as I write a lot but don’t publish them. And with 95 blog post drafts sitting anxiously I thought well, now is the time to edit and publish. Anyhow, I recently celebrated six years sobriety of off hard drugs on August 26th so while perusing the drafts I re-read this one and thought it appropriate to share with you.

For the last six years I’ve been searching for something that doesn’t exist. A something that perhaps exists in everyday life but doesn’t exist in the nether regions of one’s psyche. One can never return to the past nor can they return to the future.

While I may think of chemical drugs almost everyday I know that if I consume them it would spell the death of me as I’d fall so far down the rabbit hole that I would not return as the drug means more to me than life itself and more than everyone and everything else in this world. I knew this, and understood this, when cleaning up from addiction in 2005.

And I miss the freedom of living in a larger urban center and of being free to not wear a bra and being free to not look like the rest of the population surrounding me. While it seems tuff at times to live in a small town… yes, Saint John is a small town even though it is officially declared a city… it is still a small town by modern standards; and a very conservative small town at that. And to see fashions that were in style in Vancouver in 2007 rearing there head here right now is mind boggling as it’s nuts to think that it takes four to five years for fashions to make their way from West to East.

I was talking with my cousin a few days ago who is four years older than I. We are both relatively single and do not have children. We are also both self employed and creative although her creativity is a hobby while mine is my main source of income.

I can remember at age 12 or 13 visiting with her and her showing me the many drawings that she drew and being inspired by them. I don’t know if you know that Rochelle. But I’ll never forget the amazing ink drawings you rendered as a teenager and how you told me to keep drawing even when I didn’t feel like it while we stood in your bedroom. I’m fortunate to have had people in my life who inspired me creatively at a very early and tender age.

As I near middle age now, I wonder if this is how it’s supposed to be. While I don’t enjoy being single, I do long for savageness and wild abandon. I miss it to be honest. I feel repressed here in Saint John and while I have sex on very rare occasions, I do miss the damn connection that comes when you finally meet the right person. I’m sick and tired of dating. And this isn’t to say that I’m looking to lay just anybody. I’m not addicted to sex but I am human and I hunger for physical contact but MUCH more than that I want a life long commitment with someone.

I may never have children and that is not okay. So six years on it’s not any easier. And that is the truth people about addiction. It never goes away, but you can use it to your advantage and work with it, molding it into inspiration to continue living and striving for the life you want.

Handmade by me 2012 Desk and Wall Calendars are listed and ready to ship in the art shop now. Pictured above are the 12 months from the desk calendar.

The good in becoming vulnerable

How do you deal with unwanted attention or attention that perhaps you didn’t expect to get from something you wrote, said, posted, tweeted, shared or facebooked for the sheer fun of it; basically because you could, because it’s your personal space to share and create on.

Getting sick and feeling awful certainly puts one’s life into perspective. It has a way of making you take stock of where you are, where you were and most importantly where you want to be once you do begin to feel better.

Do you count your blessings? Do you make yourself vulnerable to new friendships, new business initiatives or even romantic relationships or do you avoid them out of fear? Do you take risks or do you always walk on the damn line like everyone else and fit into the mold that society markets to you?

Something snapped inside in March after travelling to Fredericton. I haven’t been quite the same since. And that could be due to the Synthroid beginning to work and stabilize the hypothyroidism. Or, it could be that in being honest with and surrounding myself with people who inspire, share, challenge and grow with me rather than work against or hold me back, I’m growing as a person again. And this doesn’t mean that we agree all of the time… in fact it’s quite the opposite… it just means that we like each other and like the dreams we talk of. That Waitress Story is more important than ever.

I applied for a creation grant in early April. It was rejected three weeks ago.

I signed with an artist representative a few months back. I ended that relationship quite abruptly a few weeks ago after learning that all was not what it seemed to be.

I also turned down a part-time College level teaching job earlier this year after realizing during the uber-complicated negotiation process that we were not a good fit after all.

I am dating and realizing more and more what it is that I’m looking for and it’s not so simple or black and white as what is written on this list as many men seem to think from the sheer amount of emails I’ve received from them about it. Look, I don’t date men that I meet online anymore, well maybe…

All it really takes in life is a genuine smile and an outreached arm to dance. Actions speak much louder than words and it’s those actions that make a person back away or grab on and enjoy the ride.

Really, life is that simple and if you are not experiencing that then you must do everything you can and get off of that straight line and enjoy the bumps along the way.

Today I’m grateful for family and friends who while being kind and gentle are challenging me to break out of the shell that I slid into sometime last year.

Photo Credits: Andrew of Park Imagery

  1. Me and my beautiful friend of 20 years, Vikki (Fredericton, NB, Canada)
  2. Me and Vikki again (Fredericton, NB, Canada)
  3. Me hoola hopping with 50lbs of homemade hoops (Quispamsis, NB, Canada)
  4. Doing my best to keep those hoops spinning (Quispamsis, NB, Canada)
  5. My good friend Anne hooping (Quispamsis, NB, Canada)
  6. My good friend and roommate Andrew, hooping! (Quispamsis, NB, Canada)
  7. Harrison’s Dad, me and Harrison (Cambridge Narrows, NB, Canada)

Artist Tip #25 – About the real price of things

So, today I read an article on the CBC about the surging Loonie. It’s now worth $1.05!

This is incredible, as growing up Canadian meant our dollar was always worth much less than the American Greenback. And even as recently as 2007 I was earning $1.25 CAD on every $1.00 USD when I transferred it from Paypal into my bank account. Those days are long gone and gone with them is the ability to price items for sale similarly to what my American friends and artists are pricing their items at.

Supplies and shipping costs are more expensive in Canada than what they are in the USA. And with the shipping and duty charges ordering supplies from the USA in the smaller amounts that I need, isn’t worth it at times. I do try to support both Canadian and US based businesses as possible when purchasing supplies and do scour the internet to be able to do so without decreasing the quality of my items. In fact, from whence I opened my shop in late 2007 to now I’ve actually increased substantially the quality of both the materials and packaging used on all the products I produce. That is what creates value. Continue reading

Dear Apple Computer

I purchased a new 24″ iMac 2.93Ghz, 600GB Hard Drive from you on September 4th, 2009 for $2,149.00 CAD plus an additional $199 CAD for extended insurance coverage. I love my new computer and have loved using apple computers since 1993, when I first used a Quadra in art college.

Here is where the love stops.

I see today that you announce a new-better-faster 27″ iMac 3.06Ghz 1 TERABYTE hard drive priced at $1799.00 CAD that includes a standard wireless keyboard and mouse.

I began crying this evening because this is the third time that I have purchased a new computer from you and this is the third time in 10 years that within 2 months of my purchase you release a new version at a cheaper price point with much more bling and I am not compensated for being ripped off.

The first time I bought a Graphite iMac DV Special Edition 13GB hard drive in the summer of 1999 which was quickly outdated with a new iMac.

The second time I bought a 15″ Titanium Powerbook 60 GB hard drive 1GHZ G4 OS10.3.9 that didn’t come pre-installed with an airport card which I had to buy in January of 2004. The version you released immediately after that had OS10.4, more power and had the airport card pre-installed.

And now you’ve gone and done it again by releasing a new iMac. Seriously Apple, I’m upset and not feeling the love right now. I could use that extra $350 to heat my home this winter and the extra screen space and power and extra hard drive space to create and store pretty illustrations and graphics on. To top it all off, I can’t even use my Firewire 400 external hard drive or my Adobe Creative Suite with my new iMac because it only accepts a Firewire 800 cord and CS1 is incompatible with Snow Leopard.

I’m not impressed, and wish I could stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. You could have told me to wait another month and half before making my purchase. That would have been the honest thing to do.

Three time’s a charm eh?

In the walking one finds solace from the haunting past

Thanks range for the spark to write this.

I attended a public elementary school where corporal punishment was practiced. Boys and girls were segregated in the playground each having to play on opposing sides of the school. In Grade three this practice was abolished. Corporal punishment remained all six years I was a student there.

In grade three when I was ALLOWED to play with boys, we girls and boys were very confused. Off school property we had no problems with this.

In the mornings we had to say the Lord’s prayer. Anyone who wasn’t of Christian faith had to leave the room. I didn’t like it.

This is what I remember in Saint john, New Brunswick, Canada from a couple of decades ago. There may have been rules or policies in place about the lord’s prayer that I, as a 5 to 11 year old were not aware of, but the memories of hearing the strap waft down that single corridor from the principals office and watching the boys play on the better side of the school playground still echo firmly in my mind.

Not all was bad at that elementary school. Three of those six years I was taught by fabulous teachers whom ignited the imagination and nourished the creative side.

But this post is about corporal punishment. Continue reading

Updating this blog to reflect

I am currently updating my blog to reflect my values, interests and passions. The Blogs I Read list on the front page sidebar are Blogs and sites I read regularly; meaning I read them sometimes once or more per day or I read them once a week, a month… (usually multiple posts at a time this way) and I read them because I am inspired by the Bloggers who create there. If you enjoy what you read here consider visiting them too.

On the links page, I list the Blogs I Read again. Below them are Blogrolling links; linking this Blog to other Blogs that I have something in common with. We share a love of gardening. We share being Canadian. We are artists. We are female. I will continue to ad them because it is cool to see a Blogroll that shares a common interest with this blog. These Blogrolls are human edited. There is enough overlap of bloggers and readers to a certain Blogroll to ween out dead links and spam. Bloggers linking together this way gives you another approach to searching the Blogosphere naturally. Currently I only am linked through the, I am Canadian Blogroll.

I have installed Snap Preview on this Blog – jessicadoyle.ca. Any link you hover above, you will see a preview of it, before you click out. This service is impressive. This service is free for Bloggers to use. It gives Internet users the ability to choose before clicking out. Snap Preview does not load if you happen to mouse over a link quickly but randomly (for me anyways), there is a tiny delay in load time. This is good for us. Only if you hover for a little larger smidgen of Internet-attention-span time will the preview begin to load.

Expect these links and Blogrolling links to be adjusted as my interests in the Blogosphere change. If you find your link removed please understand that it is in no way an attack on you personally. More than likely, I like to read your blog still, but need to calm the appearance of this Blog for my readers.

I am learning to adapt to using an RSS reader. You’ll probably find that I am subscribed to your blog instead. I am also learning about bookmarks using Delicious. I may install a delicious bookmarks link here.

This is part of my Blog housecleaning. I have strong interests in honesty, art creation and collaboration along with great creative writers. My offline and my online life co-exist. I am an artist. When things become unmanageable in either, one must stop, look inside herself and begin anew learning from both the good and not so good experiences that previously occurred. As with my deck garden I am clearing away debris from both my household and blog.

I am feeling well today. I am looking forward to learning again. February is just around the corner. May it be a month of honest reflection, sanctuary and sharing.

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Adapted from Anonymous – Do you respond or react?

My comments after the story.

I walked with a friend to the newstand the other night and he baught a paper, thanking the newsie politely. The newsie didn’t even achnowledge it.

“A sullen fellow isn’t he?” I commented.

“Oh he’s that way every night,” shrugged my friend.

“Then why do you continue to be so polite to him?” I asked.

“Why not?” inquired my friend. “why should I let HIM decide how I’m going to act?”

As I thougt about this incident later, it occurred to me that the important word was “act”. My friend responds toward people; most of us REACT toward them.

He has a sense of inner balance which is lacking in most of us; he knows who he is, what he stands for, and how he should behave. He refuses to return rudeness for rdueness because he would no longer be in command of his own conduct.

Nobody is unhappier than the constant REACTOR. Their sense of self is not rooted inside themselves where it belongs, but in the world outside them. They allow outside influences to control them, and they, in turn, lose control.

REACTING may give them a feeling of satisfaction, but it is false because it does not last and it does not come from self-approval. Criticism depresses them more than it should because it confirms their own secretly shaky opinion of themselves. Snubs hurt them and the merest suspicion of unpopularity in any quarter rouses them to bitterness.

Peace of mind cannot be achieved until we become the master of our own actions and attitudes. To let another determine whether we shall be rude or gracious, elated or depressed, is to relinquish control over our own personalities. Utimately, our personalities are all we possess. The only true possession is self possession.

I recieved this story while in treatment for addiction and mental health concerns. This season has been as joyous as it is difficult for me. Decisions are damn hard to make. Speaking my mind is even harder. Being completely honest with myself has become a burden; all of which are directly influencing my choices – reactions. Addiction is as real to me at this moment in time as it was one year ago and a year before that… It’s getting harder to say no. I’ve given in to myself twice. I have used twice. When is not important. Just the shame I feel in using and wanting more. I did not use GHB. I used Extasy.

The one choice that saved me this evening is love for myself and hope that the next choice I make will be for love of myself again, nothing else, nothing less.

Being honest with myself is the first step.