Tag Archives: hope

The timing is off and someday soon it will turn on

handpainted wooden beads by artist jessica doyle

In life we either get it right or we don’t as there really isn’t an in between nether world that we can climb into when things aren’t going the way we want them to. However, I tend to crawl into that purgatorial space when the creative bug hits and begin drawing the creatures that float around in it, in an attempt to make sense of what was, what is and what could be or write, right here, on the blog.

And it isn’t that things are going bad right now, they are however at a stand still of sorts and testing the limits with the timing being off and locating the on switch seems to be out of reach and dangling in front of my fingertips. I have to laugh at that because what else am I to do when it comes to men?

I decided to put my online dating profile to rest a couple of weeks ago and haven’t logged in since. I’d much rather meet a man in real life and talk with them face to face as between both Facebook and Plenty of Fish the men I’ve met through those sites are not what they make themselves out to be.

There was the man who after five or six painful dates simply couldn’t say more than “Well, uh”, “What do you want to do?”, “I’ll have whatever you are having” or “Whatever you want to watch is good with me”. Conversation was extremely painful and the thumb rubbing and clenched jaw and darting eyes and feel sorry for me look on his face at all times made me want to silently scream. I’m sorry, but always agreeing with me on everything is a complete turn-off. He was not man enough for me. But this next guy was too much man… Continue reading

Win $5000 worth of original art by giving a donation of $10

UPDATE – Please see this blog post for the results.

I’ve been thinking about how to make my original art available to everyone, while still earning a fair living wage while doing so.

In order for this to work, a minimum of 500 donations must be received by April 15th, 2011. This amount will cover the cost of the original art, the subsequent shipping and Paypal fees related to said art. To enter, simply donate $10.00 CAD via the Paypal Donate Button located at the bottom of this post. You can donate more than once. Each donation received will be entered into the draw for one of five originals created by me. You could win more than once. Continue reading

Life is good. Don’t give up.

vintage coupon from the 1940's

What would a person succumb to if they lost their ability to create or it was forcefully taken away during times of joy, sadness, anger, anxiety, illness or struggle? Most people have developed coping routines, whether they are conscious of them or not, that they do automatically during emotional periods of their lives.

But we only celebrate the joyful and not the sad or desolate times. I’m not saying that we should celebrate the sad or angry times but perhaps by stepping back we’ll realize that those times will pass and they’ll in turn incubate a new time for you.

Over the last few months I slipped into a darkness. I tend to write more during darker times with much of the words being hidden away behind the scenes as WordPress post drafts. I stop drawing… completely stopped drawing. The last time I picked up a pen to draw or doodle with was six weeks ago which spelled a beginning or rather crunch time when decisions must be made in order to find the clarity and love one so desperately needs.

I shut myself in. I barely spoke to anyone. Yes, I did the daily tasks reading and answering emails to the best of my ability and yes, there were happy hours and moments of what felt like normalcy. And in the end those happy times turned sour for days again quite quickly. And yes, people got angry at me online and offline ’cause I didn’t respond quickly enough or with enough fervor. I am one person, not a multi-national corporation and while I do my best to be prompt, it won’t always happen.

I finished my taxes during the last six weeks. I began the task of applying for an art creation grant that I hope to finish and submit later this week. I rented one room in my home only to find out on Facebook that he moved out, without giving notice, and only after he read my last blog post, while I was away in Fredericton having my computer repaired for five days. No hard feelings on either of our parts part. That’s the beauty of choice. A personal blog for me is simply a form of creative expression… a diary… a way to work through life and share ideas and I have no control over what another person decides to do after reading.

I could barely cry during the last six weeks or laugh for that matter. I danced numb and around to music in the studio during the last six weeks. I paced. I watched movies. I talked a lot to anyone, namely my parents, the postal clerks, the cat and two close friends who would listen in real life and also to people online too. I repeated myself a lot while talking. I lost the feeling and sense of touch in my hands and all over my body and feet during the last six weeks and it only returned last Sunday while in Fredericton. My eyes grew puffy and I had to drop dead on the bed to nap even after 10 hours sleep. I never slept soundly and awoke with a start each morning grinding teeth. I applied for a job and went on an interview and was offered that job last week.

I went into hiding for six weeks. I came out of hiding one night and attended the gallery hop only to become more confused after talking to two awesome but drunk doctors that night and being told it was wrong of my docs out West to withhold treatment for ADHD. I didn’t get a chance to say that I moved back east two weeks after getting that diagnosis. And I talked in the backroom with the wife of a gallery owner who has hypothryoidism away from the incessant noise of the gallery and it was the most memorable peaceful time of the whole night. We understood each other and it was good.

And I realized over the last six weeks that there isn’t too many people in real life who “get” me or maybe I just don’t “get” them. And that’s OK. No hard feelings.

I pondered selling my car and have made the decision to sell it after the brakes are fixed. And I couldn’t be more happy to begin walking and taking the bus when needed again for socializing is good when you work and live alone. And while having a car is convenient I can’t justify the cost or alienation from society that I feel when driving.

Over the last six weeks I’ve lost hope in modern politics, farming and energy and long for peaceful, organic and renewable ways of living. I loathe fast paced life and am slowing things down and surrounding myself in joy, simple and exciting things.

We all deserve joy and pleasure after darkness. We all deserve a decent living wage for a weeks work. We all deserve the freedom to speak our mind without fear of what others will say or do when what you speak of, is not threatening, hateful or harmful to a specific person. We all deserve to live with open minded people if we choose too. We all deserve choice and that is where it’s OK to agree to disagree. We all deserve to make our homes what we want them to be. We all deserve friends and family. We all have a right to all of these things and I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose my ability to feel at peace in my own home or place of work because people think I shouldn’t be so damned open and shut online. If people were really so black and white we’d all be from the 1950′s and starring with Beaver Cleaver.

Really, we are just human beings attempting to live in a world that’s becoming more crowded, more fast-paced, more race to the bottom, more segregated, more polluted, more poor, more wasteful and for what? Only to die in 50 to 100 years? Really if you can’t see beyond your own lifespan into a brighter future and work to create a loving memorable environment for yourself in your community then what do you have, but nothing.

Life is good. Don’t give up!

And thank you all for reading, for the thoughtful emails and comments. They brighten my day, everyday.

The Perfect Baking Powder three colour printed coupon form the early 1900′s was put out by the Canada Spice and Specialty Mills which were located in Saint John, NB, Canada and listed for sale in my vintage shop. I’m also loving the change of pace with working on my hobby! Life is perfect!

There’s what you are on one hand (Limited Editon Print – no.1 – The Waitress Series)

This is the beginning of an ongoing collaborative project between myself, Jessica Doyle and writer, Christopher DeWan. I will be releasing a new limited edition print every few weeks until “The Waitress” is fully illustrated. There will be between 18 and 24 illustrations when the project is completed. Do collect them all!

This is the first illustration in The Waitress series.

  • Paper Size – 12 by 12 inches
  • Professionally printed with archival Epson inks on Epson fine art paper
  • Print is dated, numbered, signed and titled
  • Will arrive with a certificate of authenticity
  • Edition of 100 only

The Waitress by Christopher DeWan

There’s what you are, on the one hand; and on the other, there’s what you think you can be.

No, let me put that another way: there is what you are, essentially, in your heart—the sum of all your capabilities; and on the other hand, there’s the smaller set of what you’ve realized to date. There is You the Greater and You the Lesser. You whole, and you fractured.

Some people believe that you, the “real” you, is the lesser one—the tally of what you’ve achieved. “What do you do?,” we ask each other at parties. “I’m a salesman,” we answer, deftly swapping a verb of action with a verb of being.

Other people believe that you, the “real” you, is that farther-away idea: “I’m a waitress and an actress, but I also want to direct.”

You smirk when she tells you this. “She’s a dreamer,” you think. “She’s a cliché.” (And these things, too, might be a part of who she “really” is.) But clichés are lazy shortcuts, a rubber-stamp version of the truth: the outline is correct and familiar, but the details are missing. The details are the essence. The details are the differentiators. In the mind of this waitress, what she wants to do is more significant than what she is doing. To know her is to know that she wants to direct. To know her is to know that she is a bundle of potentialities, and to know which potentialities.

[When robots can bring us coffee at restaurants, then we’ll all be free to act and direct.]

[When we fall in love, is it not with a person’s wants and with their potentialities?]

It is our dream that distinguishes us—the dream, and the degree to which we are willing to chase it: the degree to which we believe we are not the man sitting in the desk chair at the office, day after day after day. No. Rather, we are the brilliant burst of light, looming just on the other side of the horizon. We eagerly, lovingly chase ourselves, to find ourselves.

Christopher resides in Los Angeles, CA, United States. He can be found writing short stories on the TheUrbanSherpa. The Waitress was first published here on Christopher’s blog and has been reproduced within this blog post with permission.

This gorgeous print can be purchased in my Art Shop on Etsy and on my personal digital download e-commerce site, . Enjoy!

Someday soon the word WAR will only be known to humans as the title of a nursery rhyme

chickens - nursery rhyme about war - illustration

And so it goes…

War

One day, not too long ago
Wars raged around the world
against oppression, against drugs and against the freedom of expression
Dictators, deceitful governments and corporations ruled the world
They devastated ecosystems and annihilated whole segments of citizens and animals
in the name of power and monetary wealth

In late 2008 social networks gained mainstream traction
and the world for the first time in history could talk, organize and protest together
The battle was vicious and bloody in many sectors of the world
Power shifted rapidly
Censored information demanded to be free
Governments could not keep up with the demands of the people
and the last of the corrupt regimes and organizations were toppled on December 21, 2012

The newly formed democracies declared world peace
The Army traded in their guns
and joined forces with the Police
to lessen hostility
and spread compassion and truth for the people to the people

Social networks flourished
and with the aid of advanced browser integrated online language translators
allowed for the first time in history, humans to realize how precious, unique, vulnerable and the same, we all are.

We were no longer afraid.

The illustration began as a drawing for a client but soon took on a life of it’s own as I’m no longer accepting custom work. Fine art prints of this illustration will be available soon. I’ve been unable to decide if it’s done or not so it remains taped to a masonite board.

artist jessica doyle's studio - painting table - art supplies

If you haven’t been following the recent events unfolding in Egypt, you should be! I’ve been regularly updating my personal Facebook page and Twitter with information on the protests that I find online.

Some great resources:

After letting it go you begin to see the solutions

It’s always funny after sleeping on it for one night how one’s problems begin to appear much smaller with the solutions to those problems becoming more apparent.

I spent the afternoon today digging out of yet another massive Maritime snow storm. I feel relieved after shovelling that 60 inch drift from the side walkway so that the house can be accessed easily again. Wind combined with snow do create mountains and valleys outside during a storm. The front walkway on the other hand had no snow on it at all, while the back deck had about 12 inches that needed to be removed. The car was clear while the driveway was half covered.

This is akin to how a brain can react to life conditions presented to it too. Continue reading

No smoking is healthy or is it?

no smoking sign, art, illustration, healthy, print, poster

My mind has begun to play tricks on me. My mind can get pretty sick at times. The loneliness and social withdrawal keep me stuck in this infinite loop of stopping and starting only to stop and start once again.

I need to ask your permission to write freely on this blog for a while indefinitely without being judged or being harassed for being an addict. I began this blog almost five years ago in search of an escape from addiction and the mental afflictions that seem to envelope the core of my soul only to have it turn into a tame, almost socially acceptable version of myself. I am far from socially acceptable in societies eyes… my eyes. Continue reading

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism yesterday or why I’m really not that crazy after all

And I’ve never felt more panicked in my life. All the other medical diagnoses I’ve had over the years never made me feel more vulnerable than this one and perhaps it’s because I didn’t even see it coming or suspect it or request that I be tested for it.

I went into the doctor for my regular yearly pap smear back in late October and also requested that my iron and B12 levels be checked. He suggested a full blood work up and checked about 20 things.

My brain is so full of questions as I try to discern what caused this…
Is it the soy I ate?
Is it the wine I drank?
Is it the walnuts I ate?
Do I even have ADHD and could it have been hypothyroidism all along?
Is it the constant stress?
Is it all the PCB’s in everything?
Is it age?
Is it the amalgam fillings in my teeth?
Is it the fluoride in the water?
Is it hereditary or genetic?
Is it the Pepsi?

Or is it that women are like honey bees and we are sensitive to all these things and no one cause can ever be pinpointed as it is the bio-accumulative effect of all things. Continue reading