Tag Archives: humor

A New Brunswick Diary

Dear Diary,

Aug 12 - Moved to our new home in New Brunswick. It is so beautiful here. The northern woods are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow. I love it here.

Oct 14 - New Brunswick is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned colors – shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the country and saw some deer. They are so graceful…certainly they are the most beautiful animal on earth. I really love it here.

Nov 11 - Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. What a beautiful place.

Dec 12 - Snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard! We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we got to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place – I love New Brunswick.

Dec 14 - More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. It’s so great here.

Dec19 - More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plow.

Dec 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I have blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the corner and waits until I’m done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!

Dec 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on that son‐of‐a‐bitch who drives that snow plow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the road to melt the bloody ice?

Dec 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for 3 days – except for shoveling the driveway after that snow plow goes through. Can’t go anywhere – the cars stuck in a mountain of the white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10” of this crap again tonight. Do you know how many shovels of snow 10″ is?

Dec 28 - The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34” of that white shit this time. At this rate, it won’t melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway. I broke my last shovel over his bloody head.

Jan 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of my car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed all of them last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all the fucking salt they put all over the road?

May 10 - Moved to Georgia. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God‐forsaken province of NEW BRUNSWICK.

author unknown…

My Dad handed this joke to me last night, typed on three worn sheets of paper. After reading it I couldn’t help but publish it to the blog! Haha! I did find many other adaptations of this joke that take place in other northern US and Canadian locals but could not find the original author of this joke. The photo above is the front of my house… enough said…

Hand painting Christmas balls or is it really about sex?

Each year, well almost every year I sit down and paint Christmas balls for gift giving as I finally did finish setting up that area in the living room to paint at earlier this week. I needed an area that could remain creatively messy. Thus far I’ve painted four Christmas balls and sadly have run out of Varathane to top coat them with. I’ll need to make a run to the hardware store this weekend. Yes, I use hardwood floor varnish on any piece that I paint with acrylic.

I think painting is like riding a bike. You really don’t forget how to do it but it does take about four balls to get back into the groove of making those itsy bitsy paint strokes. I use Kroma Artist Quality Acrylic made on Granville Island in Vancouver and you can only buy it there to. It’s a wonderful milky acrylic and heavily pigmented for a brilliant colour and a smooth finish.

These are some finished balls I’ve painted from years gone by that I’ve kept for myself. I think I’ve painted close to 150 different balls that family and friends now have and decorate their trees with.

And this just made me laugh to much not to post this here on the blog!

If you’d like to add me as a friend on facebook. Feel free to do so! It gets quite lively over there at times! Haha!

Absinthe 99 or playing with the green fairy that was 2004

In 2004 during an intensive year of college in British Columbia we were asked to illustrate a poster in an older illustrative style with hand drawn letters. Absinthe 99 is the result of that assignment.

That year of college was one of the most brutal and rewarding times of my life. I had applied and was later accepted into an advanced multi media program at Langara College. I took 21 courses in one 12 month period including advanced typography, history of design and colour theory. By the end of that year I was addicted to GHB (sedatives). Add to that, my boyfriend was manic, and suffering through immense panic attacks and depressive episodes and unable to work, let alone feed himself until later that same year… it was all I could do to cope with the situation I found myself in. If anything, the strict regimen of college that year heightened and brought to the surface my inward disorder with the world around me. In 2007 I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and a few underlying learning disabilities.

I believe all those people who succumb to addiction have their reasons and people it really does not happen overnight. It begins innocently enough when one can’t get out of a predicament and that predicament then folds in on itself evolving into a monster! And truth be told I’ve never drank absinthe… someday maybe… I also hold the belief that once an addict you are not always going to be an addict. I do believe to get better you must live a more holistic lifestyle. And for some, that does mean remaining sober indefinitely. Addiction is simply a way of showing us there is a problem that needs to be dealt with or you will die.

Maybe, it’s the reading of 2012 by Daniel Pinchbeck that is reawakening those memories and you know what? I’m glad because now they seem fresh and perhaps today I can make sense of them as my mind is clear, and life is good. For too long I discounted those experiences as trivial and felt bad that I had traveled into the depths of my soul using substances (other than sedatives) to enlighten and open up channels that did exist in reality when I was a child. And I sometimes think, that Attention Deficit Disorder is a result of those perceptions being systematically taught out of us by society.

This year, as I settle into my home I’m finding memories are surfacing of those years; many good and some pretty awful ones to. I’m simply accepting them for what they are and digging out the artwork that was created during that time, for in it holds the key to moving on, letting go and growing once more.

I created 11 by 14 inch prints of this illustration and they are available on HangsaLittleLeft… my darker art shop… muahahahahaha!

Etsy Elves in Indonesia are Helping Me Package this Christmas

Yesterday this email from Christopher Dewan of The Urban Sherpa arrived. He had found me about a week ago via Gawker Artists and proceeded to add me as a friend on Facebook and I in turn added him.

He bought Do You Love Me from the shop yesterday. I emailed him saying thank you and that his order would be packaged today and mailed out to him on Wednesday.

He responded:

Oh, hi! For some reason, I guess I didn’t expect that order would go straight to you. I guess I figured, I don’t know, you had “people” for that — a great big art warehouse in Indonesia, or Etsy elves; and then you’d just get a big fat monthly check in the mail from them. Or something. I guess I’m naive…

Well, I work in a studio that up until very recently doubled as my bedroom. My helpers are two cats named Missy Two Shoes and Cat McGandy.

I print, cut, assemble, create and package everything for sale in my shop while the cats meow Silent Night and frollick to Jingle Bell Rock.

Thanks Christopher for making me laugh!

Christopher’s email made me think of Knife Gun Pen’s poem, The Four Hundred Hour Workweek and then of Chartreuse’s blog post, The Laymans guide to the End of the World Part One.

I like being small.
:)

Bloody nose or why I was in a fight yesterday…

…with dust.

Upon waking my nose ran away and my eyes cried as I climbed out of bed at 8:30AM and trotted for the bathroom. I grabbed a tissue and began blowing blood. My poor sinuses went through hell yesterday while I was at Value Village; a local second hand chain perusing then trying on clothing.

In the midst of pulling a grey cardigan over my head my eyes swelled, nose began leaking water and my throat began to close. I began sneezing uncontrollably, unable to catch my breath. It was the worst allergy attack I suffered through in a long time. I climbed out of the sweater put my own clothing back on, left the fitting room and handed the culprit to Lisa. We walked to check-out and I paid for that damn sweater because it was the only that fit out of the 20 I tried on. The woman ringing me through told me they allow patrons to bring their pets in! Geebus! It’s not so much dogs and cats that freak me out but dust, chemical detergents, pollens and scents.

Add to that I started my period and was already cramping more than normal. I told Lisa I’ll see you outside as her and Gillian were still shopping and pushed the doors open and prayed I had more kleenex in my purse. The sneezing dissipated as did the whole body shaking while I breathed in fresh air. I knew a simple laundering of that grey sweater would clear up any allergen in it.

They dropped me off at home and I ingested a half of a pink tablet of diphenhydramine-hydrochloride. I felt a bit better but could not breath through my nose and my stomach was bloating something awful.

Over the last 6 weeks I have ingested more allergy meds than I care to count and they are simply not working.

I cooked supper for Lisa and Gillian who were making their way back into town for a birthday party we were attending. We ate, shared a coupe of glasses of wine and I stayed home and went to bed with a hot pack on my belly.

The three of us went for breakfast today then out to their place. They have four dogs. I went absolutely berzerk. I love animals. BUT after a reaction like I had yesterday have to be careful and didn’t have antihistamine with me. They had some and offered me one. A Reactine. I was always leary of taking non-drowsy allergy meds due to the fact that they make me bounce.

I took it on the way out the door when they were driving me home and I CAN BREATH through my nose for the first time in 6 weeks!

I feel like a human being right now. I took it at 2:00PM and it’s going on 9:00PM and I CAN BREATH. My sinuses are open and I almost cried hallelujah an hour ago because I have been feeling shitty for weeks.

Allergies make you feel anxious and scared to do things you would normally do. I think my gut, period, intestines etc have been feeling crappy due to the fact that I was a walking ticking time bomb waiting to explode and boy did it happen at Value Village yesterday.

My new best friend is Reactine.

Photo credit – my new grey sweater on my light grey duvet cover