I began, a few moments ago, thinking about how I wished I could remove my brain, throw it in the wash with detergent and later dry it outside on the line in the crisp autumn air.
I can’t literally do that though and that fact irks me especially after a day like today.
I am only able to wash my skin if dirty, exercise if fat and eat if hungry. The mind is different and yes, every one of those things affects the mind indirectly but they cannot immediately rid it of dirt.
This got me thinking about drugs and how I crave them during moments of high stress. Yes, moments, for the urge can pass to instantaneously fix the sleepiness, stupidness or inattentiveness. On days like today though the moments turned into hours and the 15 minute break worked for about 15 minutes upon my return to working. I know, I know there will be days like these.
I wish I had that little bottle on days like these. I wish I had my magic potion. I wish I could sip it into oblivion and be unaware of my own existence, only conscious of other’s insistence.
Today I found two pennies.
I think about this person saying these things to another person.
“She is fabulous!
She is an artist”
tell me more”
Tonight it dawned on me. It rose up beyond the clouds into perception;
I think about people and what they think of me
much of the time.
what I am thinking?
I think about those people saying things to other people when in fact, I am thinking about saying things to other people about themselves.
Blasted! How does one begin a post such as this?
Well, you begin by saying “I will return on September 01, 2007 to write and create on this Blog.”
I’ve been asking myself many questions as of late pertaining to life, blogging, love, family, work and creativity, and where it is that I want to be within all of those things. I am there now existing in one form or other in all of them. The shape appears draped with cloth, hazy and just out of reach; when today that is just not so.
I have been thinking much on the Law of Attraction. I have been thinking much on how integral it is for a human being to be part of something, regardless of what it is that she chooses and wants to be part of.
I’ve begun thinking how a maniquin is only a maniquin and not a human being with emotion, unless you animate it and make it your own.
I bid you all adieu tonight. I’ll see you around and be by to say hi on all your own respective *sites.
I honestly love you my online friends. *muah*
*blog didn’t rhyme
Fog surrounds every fiber of Saint John this night. The city is quiet. Only the street lights are visible a block away. I look out the deck doors to the trees illuminated by one particular street light; they say nothing yet tell me so much.
I was born and raised here. My mind was elsewhere. It didn’t find solace. Does it now? The fog is soothing, quiet and forbids quick movement except in stealth mode perhaps.
I stare in disbelief at the remnants of Vancouver, arriving in boxes daily that I shipped through Canada Post a week ago there. Every one must be carefully sorted outside, rebagged for laundering or placed in the deep freezer for two weeks to rid them of potential stowaway bed bugs. Those last couple of weeks living in Vancouver opened my eyes to real social issues facing the poorer citizens of the city. During the Moving BACK-EAST Sale neighbors came up to wish me well and say I was lucky to be able to leave and get away before it gets worse. Aquilini Investments has no right being a landlord. The city handed them $10 million dollars to prep the skydome for 2010. These people can afford to buy a bottle of wine for $12K yet they can’t or won’t pay to properly de-infest their rental properties of bugs. UPDATE – no stowaway bed bugs were found
I think about my friends living in that building, a few of whom are covered from head to toe with itchy bites, rashes and scabs all because the whole building has not been treated all at once. One apartment at a time. This really only pushes the bugs into another of the 59 dwellings.
Fog is filling me up. This is good I suppose. I want to jump. Something doesn’t feel right with the world. Then again it could just be me. Then again, now is the time to make a change for better and live my life the best way I can. Time to squeeze the water out of that sponge letting the bad evaporate and the good distill.
My family is kind. It’s good getting to know them all over again. I was never estranged but developed different ideas than they did about living or so I thought I had. I’m discovering we have much in common and that is inspiring. On a humorous note, I can diagnose every last one of them with some form of anxiety, attention deficit or obsessive disorder. We Easterners are dysfunctional. It’s GREAT!
I’ve lost and let go of an awful lot over these past months. The grieving process feels genuinely honest amidst this coastal fog. The many years of heartache, struggle and shame seem to melt away when you really have the time to rest your head on a clean comfy bed.
…by saying that these days are crystal clear and in a semi-holding patterns. Faces are ingrained to memory as is the place, apartment and it’s things. What would you keep? What would you sell? I sold my desk. It stood first and was purchased 3 days ago. IKEA has decent resale value in Vancouver. Something to take note of if you ever move here and then need leave is that you can sell them.
All my fabric items I’m going to launder however this is proving next to impossible and I believe I will bag most of it up and donate it, only if they can wash it first. Women’s shelters need clothes.
As the days pass I want to take less and less with me. I am choosing memories and practicality for anything that isn’t a tool, to bring or ship East.
I went to visit Junko 4 nights ago. She said it best, “You need to get away from overwhelming apartment”.
I’ve really had to numb out external stimuli this last week. Concentrating is proving unreliable. Meer mutters of scrolling by hand or keyboard as of late mainly on paper. There are people here I couldn’t care less to see. There are people whom I’d love to stow away to travel with me.
And on a political note please vote anything other than for the conservative party at any upcoming Canadian elections.
Finding order in chaos is easing frustration.
Saying “NO” and staying relatively private about “why?” when asked.
The reasons are many.
Went to first appointment for ADD. I feel weird and somber.
I fly out late this month.
I’m outside most days in the garden weeding, pruning and doing.
Today’s urgencies often mean nothing tomorrow.
(an emergency or a screaming hype might not be important in the long run)
- Belonging is akin to feeling held, feeling at peace with whom one is, just as one is.
- Exhaustion stems from the urgency to be. Is this similar to traffic?
- Twisting onwards, upwards the drain yield beginning.
- Half of everything is missing and half of nothing is real.
- Endurance is only evident to the one going through it. True or false? No walking the line either.
- When nothing makes sense in a person’s environment that is not urgent; it is chosen. Therefore, one needs adapt or trek.
- We are only as free as the society we live in.
During the month of May
I go to be tested for
On a waiting list for 18 months.
This is a long time.
I got the call:
Whaaaaaaaaaa?” went I.
To be living in a friendly bug environment. That is, bugs that drink human blood for a living are not welcome. This brings thoughts of returning to a vegetarian diet with dairy products and fish diet.
Go to orientation at Gallery Gachet.
MailArt continues. New MailArt to send and pics of what has been sent and since arrived.
Blog about design. GULP the fear. I will be shedding fur on this. Take the fracking word “expert” off of my resume. Dammit. Old habits die hard. Think abote dat. Writing down expert is what I learned to do. Notice past tense.
Ask questions when uncertain before whirlwinds ensue!
Purchase missing/lost mini-dv camera parts so I can snap pretty pictures. It is not possible to scan my garden. What would the neighbors think? Agfa hovers above my garden. A bright white lightâ€¦ mania ensues. Google knows.
Find my memory. Joking.
This is funny.
Kitchen table and no chairs.
Drafting table and no drafting table chair.
Two love seats and no coffee table.
Officially announce that I joined the experiment.
I am now a Scientologist. That is a joke to. I can identify with being Catholic as I was raised such, and have that guilt that many people whisper of. Is that what I believe. I believe in people, ideas and common ground. Public ground? Does belief hurt?
Be kind to the unknown.
Plant tomatoes and other warmer weather lovers.
Revisit the idea of routine.
Right the wrongs and be.
Strive to do what you write and say what you believe.